It’s been two years and I still can’t orgasm unless I think about my ex

This week’s diarist is hung up on her ex (Picture: Myles Goode) Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger. This week we hear from Savannah*, a single 25-year-old pharmacy worker who lives in Nigeria. She hasn’t had sex for two years and wants to break her dry spell, although she has a few requirements in order for that to happen. ‘I’d like my sex life to be more active, but I’m also interested in building a connection first,’ Savannah says. ‘Most guys want casual sex, and not something more in-depth.’ Savannah’s also Catholic, which is part of her reasoning for avoiding no-strings-attached sex, but she’s also worried about becoming emotionally attached in a purely sexual relationship, too. Ask Metro Use AI to go deeper into the stories you care about – powered by Metro and trusted publications. And her final caveat? ‘I’m very much against dating men with kids or partners, and most of the men in my current location are in this category,’ she adds. This makes things particularly tricky when Savannah’s type is men at are around a decade older than she is… Without further ado, here’s how she got on this week… The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work. Wednesday It’s July 1, and I’m having mixed feelings. I’m happy because it’s a new month, but sad because it’s my ex’s birthday. Ultimately, we split up because we had to go long distance, but I miss him. This time two years ago, we were at his mom’s house. She liked me, but I sensed some hesitation because we’re from different Nigerian tribes. Still, we had fun. We played games, visited a water park, and I remember the look on his face when I bought him a pair of sneakers. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the mind-blowing sex we had that day. I teased him when his mom was around, and he managed to control himself until she left. Then he practically tore my clothes off. We made love like rabbits for more than 45 minutes, then showered together and went to a wedding. Remembering it makes me wet, but at work, while attending to patients, I tried to smile through it. Part of me wants to wish him a ‘happy birthday’, but won’t it be weird? It’s crazy that I still miss him. Thursday Today I’m going on a date. I met Luca* at work and we talked a couple of times before he asked me out. He has a foreign number and is often away in France, where he lives part-time, but to be honest, he’s not really my type. We head to a restaurant near work for lunch since I’m not comfortable doing something at night with someone I don’t really know. To my surprise, I end up having a good time. I try a new wine, play arcade games, and then he gives me a kiss on the cheek. It feels weird because I haven’t kissed anyone since a brief situationship after my ex well over a year ago. Those make out sessions weren’t great, I remember his kisses being slobbery and his eyes staying open the whole time. Anyway, there may be a second date on the cards but it won’t turn into anything long-term because he’ll go back to France soon. It has made me realise I want to be in a relationship again, but I wonder if I’m ready for the sexual part. Friday I feel horny. It’s rare, except when I’m ovulating. Crazy enough, it always starts the same way: I remember a sex scene with my ex, I relive it and try to remember how it felt. Then, I think about calling him, realise it looks desperate, get annoyed that I’m not over him yet, then try to find another way to ‘scratch the itch’. Some months ago, I tried masturbating for the first time, but it was terrible — I was just so dry. Maybe I wasn’t doing it right. Growing up in a religious family meant it was a taboo to even think about it, much less do it. But, I was curious and desperate. It was one of those underwhelming experiences you think about and cringe. Since then, I’ve tried reading sex stories which I’m surprised are free. There’s this site I used called Sex Stories where they have genres like romance, older male/female, coercion, BDSM, lesbian, gay — you name it. They’ve helped to get me in the mood. I lay on my bed and try opening one story but my best friend calls and ruins the mood. I’ll try again tomorrow. Saturday I’ve been thinking about reading those stories all day. I can’t even concentrate well at work. What gets me off is the older male/female section. My ex was a decade older, and most guys I’ve liked were way older. I think I have a thing for 30+ men. I don’t think I can actually pinpoint a reason why, they just seem more mature and ready for something serious. I don’t do well with casual relationships, so I prefer more stable men. At home, laying on my bed, I pick an older teacher and student fantasy to read, and I start touching my breasts. They’ve always been very sensitive, and my ex knew how to bite them lightly. Gosh, he even found a way to bite both of them at once, while fingering me. Sex with him was really unpredictable, especially when he made me use my vibrator on myself while he watched. That always made me climax. I always ended up squirting all over the sheets. Gosh, I miss him. It didn’t take long after we broke up for me to realise I couldn’t climax if he wasn’t present. I think that’s what they call conditioning, but I’ve made peace with it. I’ll just have to find someone who can make me feel that way again. I’m soaked, just thinking about it. I think I like a mix of pleasure and pain. Luckily, I spend about an hour reading and touching myself before my body relaxes. Sunday I’m at church today, so I try not to think about sex too much. Although, for some weird reason, I always remember my sexcapades with my ex during the sermon. Because of this, I say a short prayer for the grace to remain sexually pure until I’m fully ready to commit again. I’m not a saint, but I’m not going to have sex with anyone just because I feel horny. Luca calls me and asks that we hang out at his place. Red flag! He probably wants sex. I don’t know why guys are like this. This is why I’m single: everyone wants to have sex before getting serious. It makes me wonder if I made the right decision in breaking up with my ex. But I do say no to hanging out a lot. Once it’s somewhere private or I just don’t like your face, I’m saying no. Sometimes, I even play the ‘mean b**ch’ face card so men leave me alone. Sometimes it works and other times, it doesn’t. That’s one thing I need to change, I’m not sure it’s doing me any good. Monday For the first time this week, I feel no need for sex. Sometimes, I think how easy it would be to just let myself have a situationship again. But I tried it once and he ended up falling in love with me. Then, he tried to make me feel guilty for something I clearly stated at the beginning. It’s not the first time it’s happened, and sometimes I wonder if I’m the problem. Why don’t I like them? Is it my body telling me something isn’t right? Either way, I don’t think a situationship is for me. More like this... Tuesday After I rejected Luca’s invitation to go to his place, he agreed to dinner tonight instead. I’m not a fan of going out to eat, but it’s what’s available. The downside is I’ll have to do my best to avoid any intimacy even though my feelings are still haywire. After dinner, we go to the cinema to see Alakija, a recently released movie. I’ve only been to the cinema once, so I was too scared to enjoy the movie properly. But we laugh and occassionally steal glances at each other. Once the movie is over, we sit outside the cinema to talk for a bit. He says he’s travelling home over the weekend, and isn’t sure when he’ll be back. I don’t respond because how would I start navigating a long distance relationship? Thankfully, he doesn’t ask me to be his girlfriend and we drive home. Deals of the Day Wuka launches the UK’s first period-proof swimwear for heavy flows Bridgerton fans are rushing to buy these new Netflix-inspired perfumes now £12 off The affordable summer wardrobe update you'll wear from rooftop drinks to beach holidays The £7.99 lip balm beauty fans love for glossy, hydrated lips just dropped four new shades This Keskine hydrogel mask could fix your summer skin Once again, another good night kiss on the cheek. I can tell he wants to kiss me, but he’s hesitant. Oh well, maybe this one will just fizzle out. Do you have a story you’d like to share? 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