My wife said I spent our Greek holiday staring at women – it’s caused a major rift

I’ve just returned from a holiday in Greece with my wife, and rather than fond memories and feeling rested, all I can think about is the big argument we had on the final night. My wife was in a huff after dinner and after much probing, she finally said there were “multiple” times when I was staring at other women. She says it’s not just a quick glance, or unfocused eyes, she says I stare. At the pool, at dinner, even at the airport. If I’m being honest, there probably have been times that my eyes have lingered for a bit too long. Obviously, that isn’t something I’m proud of, and now it’s something I’m trying to be more mindful of. But my wife and I have been married for nearly 18 years. Even on a nice holiday, there are going to be times that my eyes aren’t fixed on her all the time. It’s caused a major rift. She says it’s always bothered her but she never mentioned it because she didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. But it makes her feel unwanted, disrespected, embarrassed and ruins her night. Is this as big a deal as she’s making out? How should I navigate it? I am a bit mortified, but I’m a visual person and if there’s something interesting in the room, I’ll look at it! I’m only human! Shorts *** The first thing to say is, yes, I’d agree that most men are visual. That’s why things like porn addiction have gotten out of hand and it’s dangerously rewiring men’s brains. But the truth is, I would say you are skirting dangerously close to the edge, especially if you’re staring at other women in front of your wife with your jaw dropped like you have no control. Noticing other people may be a natural reflex but lingering gazing is hurtful, inappropriate and crosses boundaries. Put yourself in your wife’s shoes Slow down. Don’t jump at the chance to get out of trouble. That’s not helpful. I think it’s important to exercise some empathy and see where she is coming from. Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine if your wife were to leer at other men – doesn’t feel great, does it? She mentions it has always bothered her, so it’s clearly taken a lot for her to finally bring it up. So yes, it is a big deal. From everything your wife is saying, it seems like she needs to feel emotionally safe. She wants – and deserves – to feel cherished, loved and respected. As do you. It also might be more of an issue now because maybe your wife might be at an age where men don’t look at her as much as they used to. It’s very surprising how much grief it can bring when suddenly she might feel invisible, and that part of her life – of being noticed – is over. Really listen to what your wife is asking for Saying that your wife is in a “huff”, insinuating she has sabotaged your chance at “feeling rested” by telling you something that has hurt her, or saying – untruthfully – that she is asking you to “unnaturally fixate” on her is little boy language. You know your wife doesn’t want to be stared at by you – that’s not what she’s asking for. So don’t change the script and then make it seem like she’s asking for the unreasonable. She’s not. Take some accountability It could be that when you were a teenager, when you were with the lads, it was cool to stare at women and to comment. We’re not in that age anymore – now, it’s inappropriate whether you’re single or in an 18-year relationship. You don’t want to be a dirty old man or a creep. This is also about being respectful of others. I’m sure they don’t appreciate being stared at. I’d start by validating your wife’s feelings, and suggesting steps for future action. You can say something like: “I understand that you felt angry and upset, and if I were you, I might feel abandoned or unwanted – that’s not my intention. Sometimes I can be like a gormless puppy, and before I know it, I’ve been distracted. I need to learn to be here and now. It’s certainly time for me to nurture our relationship as we grow into the next chapter of our lives together.” Staring is a choice – choose differently Often, men check out young women. It could be the unfinished business of their youth, or they think desiring or wanting to be desired by young women might help them stave off their own ageing. But don’t pretend you’re helpless with this. One thing I tell all the men I work with, whether it’s because of wandering eyes, or distractions, or trying to fix their fears and fantasies, is: “As soon as you catch yourself lost in the space between your years, take a deep breath into your body and get present. “Take charge of your mind. Take charge of your face. Take charge of where you focus yourself. Take ownership of your urges, your libido, your energy. Take charge, rather than letting it take charge. Don’t be a victim to it.” How is your overall marriage health? Maybe use this situation as a catalyst to revisit where you are in your marriage. Minds, bodies, hearts – they all change. It might be a time to check in and ask each other what’s working for you, physically, emotionally, sexually, connection-wise. You talk about wanting fond memories, but what memories would you like to build? Where would you like to go? What would you like to do? Is it time for adventure and to be creative? Reassure her with descriptive praise After 18 years of marriage, it’s very normal for couples to not even see each other after a while because it’s so familiar. You might have stopped complimenting each other, so start making a conscious effort to do that again. Don’t just say she looks lovely – what about her looks lovely? Be specific and describe it, so your wife knows that she is getting your sincere attention. What are her love languages? If it is physical touch, speak in her language. Hold her hand and gently put your arm around her waist at dinner. Reassure her. That’s emotional intelligence.