The Best Thing I’ve Seen In The Ocarina Of Time Remake Is This New Guy In Castle Town

Sometimes you meet a video game character that is your kindred spirit, separated from you by the unbreakable walls of your TV screen and gigabytes of code. I, like many people today, am playing through the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time remake, and a lot of the prettied-up N64 game is familiar to me as someone who played the game for months straight in elementary school. But as I entered Castle Town, the jubilant town square, I met a man who is new to the remake, and I need him to teach me his ways. There’s a Dorito-shaped man in Ocarina of Time’s remade Castle Town who has no real name, but is known as the Bearded Guy of Castle Town. He is tall, imposing, and has a regal-as-fuck “face mane” that hangs down his face and onto his giant chest. Obviously, Nintendo knew they were making a new character for Zelda fans to thirst over like they do the Bombchu lady, but he is clearly catering toward a specific demographic of scruffy muscle gays. If I wasn’t already drawn in by his design, I locked in when he told me that his beard acts as a “beacon” that can locate other bearded men throughout all of Hyrule. Brother, what? The game uses this gag as a way to tell you about Talon, the owner of Lon Lon Ranch that you’ll meet later in the game, who also has a beard. It’s a silly way for the game to point you in the direction of a side objective, one that will lead to you acquiring a horse to help you get across Hyrule more quickly than on foot. However, I’m not even concerned about that. Why does my beard not give me the power to find other bearded men? Do you know how many places I’ve gone to in search of bearded men? Places I wouldn’t go to with a gun! Where’s this muscle gay firmware update? How long do I have to go to the gym before my beard gains wifi access and can directly connect to other bearded men without having to pay for a Scruff membership? Well, until I find that out, at least I got this incredible image for my future dating profiles: © Nintendo / Kotaku