Seven signs you’re in a divorce doom spiral, according to a couples therapist

Adultery, financial issues, and abuse all feel like fairly obvious reasons for a marriage split. But what about the subtle signs your relationship is heading south? Could they be more damaging in the long run? Research suggests that slow-burning issues can be just as catastrophic for a marriage. A 2017 study followed 355 married couples for up to 16 years, measuring marital tension through feelings such as irritation, resentment, tension, or frustration. The study found that rising tension – particularly reported by wives – compared to tension during the first year of marriage alone, was associated with a greater likelihood of divorce. Earlier research from 2002, which followed 79 couples over a 14-year period, found that couples who split earlier, on average around seven years in, displayed high conflict: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. But couples who split later showed a lack of warmth: less humour, less affection, and less genuine interest in each other, even in throwaway conversations about how their day had gone. Experts are labelling this phenomenon the divorce doom spiral. Shorts Lawyers find that divorce enquiries consistently spike in August and September as families return from summer holidays and children go back to school, and relationship problems that have been bubbling away for some time come to the fore. Therapist Zoe Clews says: “Most relationships don’t blow up overnight; they drift quietly. Through small, ordinary behaviours that feel normal enough to ignore but it’s actually causing attrition. By the time most couples realise how far things have slipped, they’re no longer trying to reconnect; they’re actually deciding whether to leave.” Here, a relationship therapist and a psychologist explain the signs your marriage may be in a divorce doom spiral, and what you can do about it. You’ve stopped having important conversations Clews says: “One of the first things I notice is couples stopping the conversations that actually matter. So not fighting about money, kids, or the future, but just not talking about them at all.” If finances stay vague, plans stay non-committal and big decisions get kicked to the kerb again and again. It may look calm, but it’s actually avoidance. As Clews explains: “When the important stuff repeatedly isn’t getting said, it can feel easier short-term (as all avoidance does), but really it’s just building slowly but definitely under the surface.” If you notice you’ve stopped talking about the big stuff in your relationship, it may be time to address why you’re avoiding these subjects. Repair attempts get ignored Healthy couples can argue lots, but what changes in a struggling relationship isn’t the frequency of conflict; it’s what happens after, according to Dr Saz Guscott, a psychologist and relationship therapist. “It could be that a joke that’s meant to de-escalate gets met with silence or an apology gets brushed off and the attempt to reconnect goes nowhere. When repair gets ignored or rejected, it can quickly build distance within the relationship,” says Guscott. Clews agrees that low-grade resentment can kill a relationship. “It’s the same issues, same arguments, but nothing changes. One person criticises, the other defends. Over time, that dynamic does more damage than open conflict ever could. Conflict itself isn’t the problem; the absence of repair is.” Subtle contempt is present Screaming matches are an obvious sign of trouble, but as Guscott says: “It’s not about shouting, but noticing eye rolls, sighing, a sarcastic tone when recounting something the other person did. Contempt is one of the most reliable predictors of relationship breakdown in the research literature, and it often is disguised as humour or exasperation, long before either partner would identify it as contempt.” You trigger each other easily Clews says jealousy, control, and hair-trigger reactivity such as checking your partner’s phone, constant questioning, and needing endless reassurance are often more subtle signs of trouble. “What I see is that a lot of it isn’t actually about the current relationship – it is old attachment stuff getting activated. When both people are running those patterns, the relationship turns into a loop of mutual triggering. Each person is reacting to a threat that isn’t fully here.” ‘I encourage couples to get curious about each other again, asking about the small, ordinary details of each other’s inner world,’ says Dr Saz Guscott Your values aren’t aligning Value misalignment is another quiet killer, according to Clews. “Couples commit without getting clear on the basics: money, kids, parenting, ambition, lifestyle, family boundaries, how conflict gets handled. These aren’t details you sort out later. When they’re off, one person ends up compromising more than they should, every single time.” An erosion of trust “Trust rarely dies in one dramatic betrayal; more often, it erodes through small dishonesty, secrecy, or coping behaviours – work, substances, whatever people use to escape,” says Clews. Once trust gets shaky, people stop being open and start protecting themselves, and then it becomes less a partnership and more of a strategy. You’ve become indifferent The clearest sign that things are doomed, according to Clews and Guscott, is emotional indifference: partners stop turning toward each other, they stop sharing, stop checking in, and they start living parallel emotional lives. “The internal voice shifts to, ‘What’s the point?’ or ‘They wouldn’t get it anyway.’ Indifference, not conflict, is often the last stage,” says Clews. What can you do to prevent a doom spiral becoming a split? What makes all of these behaviours dangerous, according to Clews, is how ordinary it can feel because it happens slowly: “People adapt. They minimise. They tell themselves this is just what long-term relationships are like, but in truth it isn’t, and it isn’t healthy. These patterns aren’t harmless quirks; they are red flags of early-stage breakdown in a relationship and they also don’t fix themselves, they accumulate.” While these patterns don’t mean separation is inevitable, their repetition can progressively weaken trust, goodwill, and the expectation that conflict will be resolved fairly. What should you do if your marriage is on the edge? Guscott says: “I encourage couples to get curious about each other again, asking about the small, ordinary details of each other’s inner world and actually listening to the answer. These patterns are learnt, which means they can be relearnt, and couples who make a habit of turning towards each other in the mundane moments, not just the big ones, give themselves a real chance of reversing the drift before it takes hold.” Relationship therapy can help, as long as both partners are willing to work on it. Some marriages can recover from entrenched conflict, while others may end more safely and respectfully. As Guscott says, therapy should clarify reality rather than prescribe reconciliation, as it’s not always a suitable option to stay together.