My Wife Was Invited to a Baby Shower. But What Was Handwritten on Her Invitation Is Unacceptable.

Dear Prudence The host is doubling down. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? July 28, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Deagreez/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, Several years ago, my wife attended a bridal shower for her cousin’s daughter. It was at a vineyard where you boarded a horse-drawn carriage and rode to the event center. One glass of wine, along with small sandwiches and other snacks (self-serve), was provided. Additional glasses (and bottles) of wine were available for purchase. My wife is not a wine drinker, so she had one glass. At the end of the shower, the mother of the bride (wife of my wife’s cousin) announced that “tips are appreciated for the hard-working help,” and a tip jar was set out on a table as you left the event center. Then another tip jar was brought out and sat by the exit for the carriage when they got back to the parking area. My wife, not planning on purchasing anything or expecting to spend any money, had no cash on her. Plus, we would not have expected a wedding shower to have a “tipping” expectation, as everything is usually paid for. No table service was provided, as you would go up to the wine bar to purchase another glass if you so choose. Last week, we received a baby shower invitation at the same location. This time, the invitation had a handwritten note on the bottom reminding us that “Tips are VERY MUCH appreciated.” We don’t know if my wife was the only one who got this note or if all the invitations did. When our daughters had bridal/baby showers, we would never think to have additional costs for the guests to pay (other than the gift and cost of travel) for attending. My wife would love to attend to see family, but this expectation of tips, which we feel should be covered by the host, is making her think twice. Not necessarily the cost, but the principle of it. What do you think? —Tipping At What We Think Is a Non-Tipping Event Dear Tipping, My first reaction to the tip jar is the same as yours. It’s tacky and maybe a bit cheap to charge guests for anything without advance warning, especially for something that the host normally covers. I don’t think the amount your wife drank or didn’t drink has anything to do with it, for what it’s worth. If I were in her situation, I would have asked if it would be possible to Venmo a few dollars to someone who was carrying cash, while privately thinking the request was a little ridiculous. And then I would use that feeling to help inform whether I wanted to attend the next event. Even though your wife didn’t pay, she can do something similar. The etiquette of a tip jar (along with the possibly targeted handwritten note!) is definitely reasonable to take into account when deciding whether to go to the baby shower. But the biggest factor (say, at least 85 percent of the decision) should be her relationship with her cousin’s daughter. If this woman is someone she is close to and really cares about, that will outweigh whatever manners-related missteps the mom, who I assume is organizing the events, has made. (I realize that the old-school rule is that a person related to the bride should not host an event that involves the expectations of gifts, but that’s outdated and I don’t care about it.) The guest of honor is blameless here. And I know your wife wouldn’t want to miss any special events for someone she deeply loves over a misguided request for some extra cash. If she’s really someone who budgets down to the penny, she could always subtract whatever tip she gives from the cost of her baby shower gift. If the former bride and her mom are extended family members with whom she’s not particularly close and doesn’t plan to be in the future, it’s perfectly OK to decide that the way the shower was handled didn’t feel good to her and she’ll pass on the next event and all demands for extra money. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I recently met my friend “Stanley’s” new girlfriend, “Jewels.” It came up in conversation that another friend of mine, “Ethan,” is her ex. Jewels seemed distressed and said Ethan cheated on her. I brought it up with Ethan later, and he denied it. I’ve known Ethan a lot longer than I’ve known Jewels, so I initially decided to believe him. Here’s where it gets iffy. Stanley told Jewels I was still hanging out with Ethan. Jewels worriedly asked me if I had told Ethan she was in town (I hadn’t) and then advised me to never be alone with him. That’s not the sort of thing you say casually, and I don’t like the implication. I know from a bad roommate experience that people can lie about being assaulted to get revenge, but that same personal history could be clouding my judgment. Everyone seems sincere—what’s my next move? —Who’s Lying? Dear Who’s Lying, You’re ultimately going to have to go with your gut on this one. But not without more data. Ask Jewels to elaborate. She’s made a pretty serious suggestion about Ethan’s violence, and I would hope that she would be willing to explain what she means. If you don’t have plans to see her soon, text her and ask to speak to her (if she’s fearful of Ethan, she may hesitate to put anything in writing), and say something like this: “I’ve been thinking about how worried you were about Ethan knowing you were in town, and how you warned me not to be alone with him. I know this may be a really sensitive topic, but I’m wondering if you can give me any details about your experience with him and what I should know. I think you were suggesting that he could harm me, and if that’s the case, I want to be sure I understand. I promise I will not bring up anything you tell me to him.” Then you just have to listen and really pay attention to how you feel—not how you think you should feel or your general beliefs about what people say about each other, but her specific story and how it maps onto your experience with Ethan. If you truly feel torn, err on the side of protecting yourself and not being alone with him. There are plenty of other ways to hang out. And don’t forget to thank Jewels for caring enough to tell you. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, I can’t stand kids, yet parents are forever shoving their puking, drooling little brats at me to hold. How can I gracefully escape? —Not a Kid Person Dear Not a Kid Person, Come on! People are not doing this! I refuse to believe that anyone is shoving infants—unless maybe they’re your nieces and nephews or something—at you. Who would give their small child to a person who showed no interest in them, especially given the fact that they are basically in one long separation anxiety phase until they’re 3 and aren’t exactly huge fans of cuddling with random, grumpy strangers? I know my kids would hate you just as much as you hated them and then some, and that’s a guarantee. I have a theory about the real story behind this letter: You, like many others, find little children annoying when they’re in public places. They do, in fact, sometimes make a lot of noise and messes, and it’s fair to dislike that. And while puking isn’t really a constant, drooling and runny noses do make frequent appearances. Those things are objectively gross. I suspect you wanted to complain about this, but then you realized those kids weren’t actually doing anything to you, and that if you didn’t like their presence, you were free to leave. Stuck with a weak argument, you decided to change the fact pattern a bit (“What if the parents were spontaneously throwing their children at me against my protests?”) to make yourself seem more sympathetic. You’re allowed to not like kids, and you’re allowed to think they’re little brats. If you really want to avoid them completely, you’re pretty safe if you go to bars or anywhere after 9 p.m. If my theory is incorrect (it’s not) and you are truly having to fight off forced toddler cuddles, the solution is pretty simple: Put your hands up so that it is impossible for you to hold anything, and say firmly but kindly, “No thank you!” Classic Prudie I got married a few weeks ago, and much to mine and my husband’s surprise, more than half of his groomsman and several of my bridesmaids didn’t get us a gift. Before anyone jumps down my throat for being ungrateful, to be clear, of course, I’m grateful they supported us with their presence at our wedding and I genuinely don’t care about money or a physical gift. But something else stings more. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dear Prudence Family