My Gen X friends are all divorcing their husbands because they refuse to grow up

When I was younger, I thought it was always men that initiated divorces once they got to middle age and had a midlife crisis. My information was gleaned from a teen addiction to Jilly Cooper novels – dads running off with their secretaries on the back of a Harley Davidson. In reality, 60 per cent of divorces in the UK are initiated by women in their forties, fifties, and sixties. The “divorce glow-up” is a TikTok trend where midlife women post impressive before-and-after divorce videos of themselves – usually fitter, more fashionable, and seemingly happier. The thinking being that your husband is holding you back from your best self. Maybe it’s my algorithm, but I am constantly encouraged to kick my husband out, and start anew. Now I don’t want to dump on Gen X men, because there’s enough of that already, but having observed female friends who’ve recently divorced, there are certainly common triggers. A big one? Men that refuse to change while their wives are constantly looking for ways to grow. One of the things I’ve observed about women in their fifties (I’m 53) is that they’re often clearing out the old – quite literally taking bags of stuff to the charity shop constantly – and making way for the new. After menopause, or in the midst of it, women’s biology changes, and many reflect on how they want this new chapter to look. This requires effort because change can be gnarly. Shorts I see these women every day. When I go for my daily swim at my local gym these women are either doing what-I-call “angry swimming” (pushing against the weight of the domestic load and husbands who don’t offer enough support ), or using exercise to calm their fried-nervous-midlife-systems. They are often juggling kids, work and elderly parents, doing their best to stay sane, and the stress shows. I spot the same women in saunas at the weekend. At Hyrox classes. In pubs in groups in a frenzy of trauma-dumping. At Harry Styles concerts. But I often don’t see their husbands. That’s not to say they aren’t doing their own version of these things, but just when I talk to divorced female friends they often complain about how their partners have become stuck in old patterns or old habits, while they keep trying to evolve. Their husbands were getting older, they said, but still unable to grow up. For example, if they had a physical issue they still wouldn’t go to the doctor or seek support – much like boys in their twenties – and so it would get worse. In general, they were apathetic about their lot instead of excited and seeking newness and novelty or trying to reinvent. One friend told me about her (now ex) husband: “I booked us tickets to this amazing theatre production. Everyone was raving about it. He arrived late and complained the whole time about how knackered he would be the next day. He didn’t want to try anything different. He is usually slumped on his iPad like a teenager.” Another friend, who has just separated from her 57-year-old partner, described how he still behaved like Shaun Ryder at The Hacienda, circa 1989. She’d nervously check her phone when he went out clubbing, worried that he’d do himself serious damage trying to re-live his youth. “He’d come in at 5am, have taken MDMA, and would be completely incoherent. He was clinging onto a concept of himself that was well past its sell by date.” What these Gen X women are saying is that these men are often either standing still or, in some cases, regressing. It’s a cliche, but men are also not as good at keeping their social lives alive. In the UK, 20 per cent of men report having no close friends, compared with 12 per cent of women. More than half (58 per cent) feel they have “no one to rely on in a crisis”. These are sad stats, and point to the importance of socialising. And yet most women will tell you that they plan their kids’ lives (playdates, activities, parties) and their partners lives, too. I recently took a decision to stop nagging my partner about whether he’d called his family or seen friends, because the mental toll was too heavy. Also the response was often – “I don’t need to be in touch with people all the time like you do.” But everyone needs connection, and it’s through this connection that you thrive and keep growing. Without social connection, these men become trapped in their own algorithms of football facts, protein supplements, conspiracy podcasts, and 90s music nostalgia. At this age, the unfair distribution of the domestic load is often a prime source of conflict, too. “My life is easier with him not around as I don’t have to clean up so much,” one recently divorced friend told me. “The kids still make a mess but I was tidying all that up anyway.” It’s important not to generalise but there is definitely a frustration amongst many friends that their husband has become a giant child, versus the supportive equal they were hoping for. I grew up watching the classic 80s US sitcom Golden Girls, which follows Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia who share a house together in Miami after divorce and widowhood. When I talk to friends, they joke that this is the ideal future they imagine for themselves. Living with other women. Able to share all the load. Trying new things. Having more fun. Of course, this was a TV show but underneath this joke is sadness. Those who are still with their partners want change. They imagine a single life that might be easier. Where they’d no longer feel like they’re the “Buckaroo Donkey”, with more and more loaded onto their tired backs. I wonder what a Gen X husband would write about his experience. That he’s frustrated that his partner changed too much? That she used to be calmer and less frenzied? That she became addicted to new things and has changed beyond recognition? That she nagged him too much about not having friends, and not unloading the dishwasher? Of course, relationships come down to communication. If your partner is asking for change, if they want you to help at home, or not take drugs at the weekend, or simply try a new theatre production… listen to what they’re saying. Most women just want to feel seen.