I’ve had an active sex life since I was 14 but didn’t orgasm until 44, now I’ve learned the secret to have one everytime

IN an era where women are urged to demand what they deserve everywhere else, the bedroom remains a quiet zone. Despite decades of sexual liberation, a massive gap still exists between what women actually want under the duvet and their confidence to ask for it. Emma Fullwood can now climax purely through breath control Credit: Susan Grace Hinman Emma at 15 in the first flush of love Credit: Supplied To celebrate National Orgasm Day today, new exclusive research found that a massive 65.3 per cent of women say climaxing is key to their sex life. But when it comes to speaking up, the chat grinds to a halt. Almost 22 per cent of women admit they feel completely uncomfortable opening up about their sexual needs to a partner, according to YOUGOV Survey commissioned by Anna Richards, Founder of ethical erotic site, Frolicme.com. Add in another 19.7 per cent sitting on the fence, and fewer than half of women actually feel bold enough to say what turns them on. The result? Women keeping quiet and hoping their partners will magically figure it out. Nobody gets this frustration better than Emma Fullwood. Despite sleeping with 14 men by the age of 44, she had never had an orgasm. Now, after much exploration and chats with hundreds of women, Emma, 49, from Hove, East Sussex, reckons she knows the secrets — and has six simple tips to help every woman get there. She says of her journey to the Big O… “Standing on the balcony in the sultry heat of the Spanish evening, I shivered with passion as my boyfriend moved towards me. I knew exactly what he had in mind and I was completely up for it. It felt risky and sexy — the bar below was buzzing with customers spilling out onto the street. I knew they might be able to hear our gasps of pleasure, and that only added to the excitement. I felt as though I was in a film. But then, as he was really getting into it, a part of me detached and I moved away from the brink of an orgasm. I was 22 then, but it was a feeling I was already familiar with, as many other women are. How many times have you had distracting thoughts during sex? Worrying about how your body looks, whether someone might overhear you, how you are performing or something totally unrelated, such as your job. It’s well documented that women are affected by distracting thoughts more than men. For me, this continued until five years ago, when I finally learnt the secret of good sex. Emma at 16 with her older boyfriend Credit: Supplied Emma at 20 with her Spanish lover Credit: Supplied My sex life might not be something you’d see depicted in a raunchy movie, but after more than 5,000 hours of sex, I finally know that I will feel completely satisfied in every single way. It’s effortless and I can even do it without being touched, as I know my body so well. Crucially, I know how to tell a man exactly what I need, and I don’t care about pleasing him — you have to be selfish and look after your own needs rather than trying to please. Now I work as an orgasm coach and I have helped more than 200 women between the ages of 18 and 71 to reach the same heights of pleasure. There is, and always has been, an orgasm gap. The most recent series of Bridgerton tackled the very issue when Francesca Bridgerton was asked by her new husband John Stirling whether she had reached her “pinnacle”. An orgasm had eluded her and the couple went on to explore things together. The show is set in the Regency era of the early 1800s but even today, 61 per cent of men orgasm every time they have sex, while only 30 per cent of women do. And 75 per cent of women don’t orgasm through penetration alone. My clients are testament to this. But there is no need for a gap — I truly believe the vast majority of women could achieve it if they knew how. I was arguably too young when I lost my virginity at 14, with my classmate boyfriend of a few months. It isn’t something I’d advise. But for me, it wasn’t problematic — it was actually beautiful. I felt ready; we were the same age, there was no imbalance, and we were both as keen as each other. We were at his parents’ house, it was very tender, he kissed me all over, and then we did it. I didn’t orgasm, but I loved it and felt connected. I didn’t feel shame about it. When it ended a few weeks later, I was devastated. But I recovered, and we are still in touch occasionally now. Since then, I’ve pretty much always had a man in my life, from one-night stands to three-month flings and six-year relationships. In total, I’ve slept with 14 men, and it averages out that I’ve spent three hours a week having sex for 35 years. That’s 5,460 hours. It’s been fumbling, average, good and very good — but up until five years ago, a vaginal orgasm eluded me. My next boyfriend, when I was 16, stuck around for three months. Then, when I was 17, I went to Majorca to work as a dancer, and that’s when I met my first long-term boyfriend of six years. After that, I had a few flings and one-night stands before I met my now ex-husband in 2000. We married in 2005 and, to my shame, I cheated on him when I met my next long-term lover in 2006. Emma at 28 on her wedding day Credit: Supplied MY SEX, ER, SIX POINTERS TO ORGASM DEAL WITH PAST TRAUMAS THAT MAY CAUSE BODY HANG-UPS: For me, it was a traumatic birth experience. I haemorrhaged and nearly died. It was horrendous and I needed counselling to come to terms with what happened and enjoy sex again. NEVER HAVE SEX JUST TO PLEASE YOUR PARTNER: Take the pressure off the idea that you must hit a weekly target. Sometimes I have sex twice a day, sometimes not for a couple of weeks. But I always make sure I’m in the right frame of mind to relax and fully enjoy it. I make a conscious decision to package away any humdrum day-to-day tasks. I regulate my breathing before sex and I also focus on the sensation of being touched and anticipate what the pleasure will feel like. STOP CHASING THE HONEYMOON PHASE THRILL: Sex in the initial stages of any relationship is exciting and thrilling. That sort of fast, quick and uber-passionate sex doesn’t usually align with the most earth-moving orgasms that you’ll achieve when you take your time. TELL YOUR PARTNER WHY THERE’S NO USUAL SATURDAY MORNING SEX IF YOU DON’T WANT IT: Communication is always the key to avoid any friction which can come with mismatched libidos. BE HONEST ABOUT LIKES AND DISLIKES: You won’t relax and enjoy it if, for example, you know at some point there’s something you feel you ought to do but don’t actually enjoy, such as oral sex. Be honest about your preferences. Being 100 per cent enthusiastic about everything you do is far better than doing everything with 40 per cent enthusiasm. SHIFT YOUR MINDSET: Move from wanting to please and be sexy to knowing that you deserve pleasure and know how to ask for it. And if you aren’t enjoying it, tell them. Also accept that you won’t always enjoy the same thing – sometimes you might be in the mood for having your breasts touched and other times not, and that’s fine. But speak out and don’t leave it to guesswork. We got together officially in 2007, and I had our son in 2011, before we split up in 2018. The vast majority of all those relationships followed the same pattern. I was a passion junkie, always looking for that “rip your clothes off” sort of sex. When it naturally waned, I would do everything to chase that initial passion — dressing up in saucy underwear and having risky sex. I’ve done it on park benches, in the sea, on the beach and on that balcony. I always looked immaculate — every hair would be shaved from my body, and I’d always have a fake tan, perfect hair and nails. But sex was often performative — I’d moan as if I was in a Hollywood movie, channelling Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. It was pleasurable, but often it came from anticipation rather than the actual sex, and, on occasion, I’d fake my orgasms. I don’t blame the men — they did their best. But no one can guess what you want if you don’t even know yourself. In 2019, I met my partner and decided I was not going to fake it again. During lockdown, we had only been dating for a few months, so we weren’t living together and couldn’t meet up. I decided to go on a voyage of discovery and began exploring my body, enjoying the sensation of touch and concentrating on what I reacted to and how I liked to be held. Around three months later, I had an orgasm during penetrative sex with him. It was incredible, like nothing I had experienced before, and I felt empowered. Now I’m so in tune with my body and I can even have an orgasm without touch, breathing deeply into sensation to achieve a burst of pleasure. But it is not only learning to explore my body, but it is also changing my mindset. I realised pleasure isn’t dependent on how you look or how many times you change position, or moan. It is about feeling comfortable and confident in yourself, knowing what you want, and not being afraid of communicating it. I was always chasing the initial high of honeymoon sex, but it wasn’t sustainable, so I’d look for ways to make it exciting again. If you do that, it is going to be disappointing. It’s not about the thrill and the ride, but connection. Follow Emma’s journey on @emm_powered_