‘It was my dream job – and now I feel like an utter failure’

QuestionA couple of months ago I shared my feelings of being overwhelmed, exhaustion and “monkey mind” with my GP, who suggested I be assessed for ADHD.It blew my mind; it wasn’t something I’d ever considered before. I wrongly assumed ADHD = obvious physical restlessness. I went private and was diagnosed with moderate to severe combined ADHD (inattentiveness and hyperactivity).Meanwhile, I watched and read interviews with ADHDers, and for the first time I felt like my experience of the world was being described to me. It all clicked.I wish I felt relieved like some other people who received a late diagnosis. The diagnosis itself and looking back on all the crazy, challenging situations I found myself in throughout my life – it all hit me hard. I had only recently received a promotion from one area of a company where I’d worked hard and made a name for myself, to another area where everything was new.READ MOREThe people are lovely, but I felt like I was struggling to keep up with even the most basic tasks and ideas. I’ve taken a few weeks off for anxiety and I’m due back in a few weeks. My managers know about my diagnosis and how it’s affected me. They have been super patient and understanding throughout. But the process of improving my condition is so slow and difficult. I tried one medication, but it left me very panicky. I’m slowly working my way up on another med. I have a slightly calmer mind but don’t know whether that’s related to the meds or my not needing to work during the day.I’ve been in touch with the charity ADHD Ireland and am attending their wonderful UMAAP (Understanding and Managing Adult ADHD Programme) course. I tried an ADHD counsellor and I’m due to attend a HSE trauma counsellor soon for historical stuff; they know my diagnosis, maybe they can help me.I’m not even sure what to ask you. I guess as someone with a new mortgage, two kids and lots of limitations, I’m worried about my future.My employer is legally bound to make reasonable accommodations, but they don’t have any leeway round their mandatory three days a week in the office. And the job itself involves plenty of ambiguity and improvisation – these sometimes lead to mental roadblocks. It was my dream job – and now I feel like an utter failure.[ ‘At 28 my life appears perfect but inside anxiety is taking over’Opens in new window ]I feel it’ll be up to me to ask for a transfer before they gently advise it needs to happen. I feel like a coward and a chancer at the same time.I guess I’m asking whether you have any other suggestions/recommendations from a wellness and career perspective.AnswerIt sounds as though you are still in shock and this is not surprising, as your diagnosis is very recent and no doubt your adjustment to this will take a considerable amount of time.You do seem to have acted on a huge number of things, from going on medication to doing a UMAAP course and setting up counselling, and this is great – but you must allow yourself some time to let it all sink in and have the impact these things are designed for.Of course, you are having catastrophic thinking, as this is a response to crisis and negativity, but you also have hard facts to rely on. You got genuine and deserved promotion at work, and the idea that you should get ahead of what you think might happen (your work wanting to transfer you) is based only on your fear and fright at dealing with a diagnosis.The pressure you feel at needing to be able to provide for your family is a totally human one, and this is causing agitation now due to your confusion and panic at what you think might be your inability to perform. These fears and concerns grow and enlarge with time spent thinking and worrying, and perhaps your return to work will show you that your mind has been putting false premonitions in front of you.The people who offered you the job did so on the basis of considered research and references, so you could put some trust in their judgmentYou have been honest with your employers and, so far, they have been kind and understanding (fact); you were given your new position with your bosses having full knowledge of your work history (fact), and finally you are being offered reasonable accommodations to take into account your needs in the work environment (fact). All this bodes well for your future, but this crisis has put you into a spin that will take some time to work through.You say your role will require ingenuity and flexibility, and the chances are that these are the very characteristics that are in plentiful supply in your workplace, so you can lean into these and hopefully absorb them in time. The ambiguity might be challenging, but again there is an opportunity here for your co-workers to become conscious of your needs and to address them with you, for the benefit of everyone. Deciding at this early stage that you will need to transfer is not fair on you, or on your department.Give your new position your best shot, with honesty and a support-seeking approach, and if it turns out (after at least three months) that this is not for you, by all means seek a transfer to somewhere your skills are more suited to.[ ‘I’ve been struggling my entire life, mostly socially and with being a functioning adult’Opens in new window ]The people who offered you the job did so on the basis of considered research and references, so you could put some trust in their judgment and allow yourself to experiment with this position. The most important thing is to apply some self-compassion at this time and let up on the self-criticism and judgment.You have initiated best practice for someone with ADHD, and now you need to allow it to work.To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com