I Think I Know Why My Colleague Isn’t Getting Promoted. I’m Not Sure How to Tell Her.

Good Job Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Pituk/Adobe Stock and Eno1/Adobe Stock. Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Good Job, I have a co-worker with dental hygiene issues. She has an extremely thick layer of tartar on her teeth, and a few of them are visibly rotting. She is a lovely person who is great at her job, but I’ve heard whispers that her teeth are what’s preventing her from moving up in our organization. From the looks of her teeth, she is likely in a lot of pain as well. I also struggled with oral health issues for a long time because of horrible dental anxiety and the increasing shame that came along with not going to the dentist for many years. A few years ago I decided to suck it up and take care of my teeth. I found a wonderful dentist who was very kind and non-judgemental and was able to fix my teeth. It completely changed my life. Normally I would assume that if someone has a lot of visible cavities and tartar that they can’t afford dental care, which I know is depressingly common. But because we work together, I know that my co-worker has full dental coverage, so it can’t be finances that are preventing her from going to the dentist. I have to assume that it’s some kind of anxiety, trauma or other mental block. Is there a way for me to kindly and gently recommend my dentist to her? I’m sure she is painfully aware of the state of her teeth, and I don’t want to make her feel bad, but I feel like I could really help her by telling her about my experience. We are friendly but not friends. When I think about how I’d feel if someone came to me in a similar way when my teeth were in rough shape, I think I’d feel both humiliated and appreciative. Is there any way to broach the subject with her? —Dental Dilemma Dear Dental Dilemma, I know your heart is in the right place here, but I think this is a time when you need to resist the urge to say something, even if it’s under the guise of being helpful. I know you feel especially empathetic towards her because of your own experience with dental hygiene, but, gently, this isn’t your problem to solve. As you point out, we don’t know why she hasn’t been taking care of her teeth, and it’s none of your business. Furthermore, I doubt she is unaware of the state they’re in; you pointing it out is only going to embarrass her. And telling her that there are “whispers” that she’s not getting promoted because of the state of her teeth is likely to send her spiraling. You took care of your teeth on your own time, when you felt ready. You say you would have felt “humiliated but appreciative” if someone brought it up to you, but it’s easy to say that now in hindsight. But you do have a unique perspective on what she’s going through because you lived it. So I would try to be supportive of your work colleague in other ways, like standing up for her if you hear those aforementioned “whispers” about her teeth in the context of her performance at work. And if she ever does come to you about her teeth, you’ll know how to be a thoughtful colleague—maybe even a friend. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Good Job, My company recently moved into a new office building with gender neutral restrooms with multiple floor-to-ceiling stalls surrounding a communal sink. I’m proud to work for a progressive organization that embraces this, and I support it wholeheartedly. That said, I’ve recently encountered something unexpected and am unsure about the best way to handle it. I was washing my hands when my female colleague approached the sink to wash her hands as well. I noticed that she was washing a noticeably large amount of blood off of her hands, so I asked if she was OK because I was concerned that she had cut herself. She laughed and told me that she was on her period and uses a menstrual cup, and that the process of emptying and re-inserting it can get a little bit messy. I was a little shocked, and after processing this incident I have mixed feelings about it. Part of me was impressed at the matter-of-fact way she handled this around me instead of seeming embarrassed. However, I’m also a little uncomfortable—not because I think it’s gross, but because there are some holdouts in our office that aren’t crazy about these bathrooms, some of whom are more outspoken about it than others. There are several employees that are so adamantly opposed to using them that they actually use the restrooms in a shopping center across the street. They are in the minority, and I’m pleased that some people who were hesitant about it at first are fine with it now. However, I’m concerned that seeing a colleague washing menstrual blood off of her hands in the sink will only make the people who are hesitant about gender-neutral restrooms more uncomfortable with it, in addition to providing the people who are strongly opposed to it with more evidence about why this is a horrible idea. I know that menstruation is natural and nothing to be ashamed of, but I’m confident that not all the men in my office feel the same way. I’m not sure if I should approach her directly about this or go to HR, and if I talk to her I’m not sure how to make my positive intentions clear and not just sound like a typical dude who’s grossed out by periods. Any advice about how to proceed? —Sink Troubles Dear Sink Troubles, Let’s do a quick thought exercise: If the blood had been from, say, a cut or a nosebleed, would you feel differently? If the answer is yes, then I think you need to reevaluate whether you really feel that “menstruation is natural and nothing to be ashamed of,” but that you are “confident that not all men in my office feel the same way.” Because to this menstruating person, it really sounds like you are the one who feels uncomfortable with your colleague rinsing off her bloody hands in the sink. So, before you go to HR or make a big deal about this in the office (even if under the guise of “other people feel this way”), I’d take a pause and sit with why you feel differently about menstrual blood versus blood that comes from pretty much anywhere else in the body. Also, I wasn’t aware that “typical” dudes are “grossed out by periods.” Most of the “dudes” I know are grown adults who know that menstruation is a natural part of life, and don’t feel “grossed out.” I was going to say don’t feel grossed out like a fourth grader, but I think that’s actually unfair to fourth graders. The other thing I just want to note is that you claim to be proud to work for a progressive workplace, but bringing this up and using a straw man argument about other people’s discomfort is just going to give anyone who may be opposed to gender-neutral restrooms—for whatever reason—more ammunition for their stance. Don’t be that guy. Get over your period blood issues and let your colleague wash off her hands in peace. —Doree More Work Advice From Slate I just started a new job, and I’m still trying to make a good impression. But my new boss just enthusiastically shared something that made my heart sink. 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