I Show Love for My Children in a Certain Way. My Husband Says It’s Time for Me to Stop.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, With school starting soon, my husband and I have resumed a debate we have every year, namely: When should kids start packing their own lunches? I have 8-year-old twins, and I make their lunches for school. He thinks they should be making their own lunches each day. My mom made my lunch until I was in high school, and it made me feel very loved and taken care of. I want to do that for my girls, too. My husband complains about this and sometimes even criticizes the girls for not making their own lunches. I think this has nothing to do with him, and he needs to get over it. Any suggestions on ending this debate once and for all? —Lunch Is Love Dear Lunch Is Love, I packed my own lunch starting in third grade. It just depends on your kids and your family! I think many 8-year-olds are old enough to learn how to help around the house in some way, or to have a chore or two that is primarily their responsibility. It doesn’t really matter which tasks you begin with—it doesn’t have to be lunch-packing, if you enjoy that and want to keep doing it. Maybe instead of lunches, it’s tidying their rooms, or setting the table for dinner, or putting away their laundry. Obviously, you just don’t want to keep doing everything for them all the way through high school, or they won’t learn the things they need to learn to be able to take care of themselves (and not be resented by their future roommates!) after they leave. It’s not exactly true that this has nothing to do with your husband, at least not if his goal is for your kids to gain an important life skill on their way to greater independence. As a compromise, maybe you could keep packing your kids’ lunches for now, and the two of you can identify one or two small household tasks they can learn and begin to help with. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband “Dan” and I are in a disagreement over boundaries with our kids. We have a son, “Ethan,” 1, and a daughter, “Aubrey,” 3. Aubrey is very shy and doesn’t like to hug people outside of our family. Dan makes her hug her grandparents (my in-laws), even though she doesn’t want to. I don’t think forcing physical affection on a child is the proper thing to do, not to mention that it sends the wrong message about bodily autonomy. Dan argues that his parents will feel “insulted” if our daughter doesn’t hug them and it’s easier than getting bitched out by his mom later. Shouldn’t the decision of whether or not to hug someone be left up to the child? —Harping Over Hugs Dear Harping Over Hugs, Your husband needs to suck it up and tell his parents that your daughter has a right to decide whether hugs or other forms of physical contact happen. You don’t want Aubrey to grow up believing she has to ignore her own wants and needs just to please someone else—it sends all the wrong messages about consent and autonomy. Forcing her to hug her grandparents could also make her even less comfortable around them, increasing her anxiety and undermining their relationship with her. I get that your in-laws might find the lack of hugs disappointing. I don’t think they should feel “insulted,” but if they do, it’s their responsibility to deal with those feelings, not Aubrey’s. They’re the grown-ups! As long as she isn’t being unkind or disrespectful to her grandparents, you and she have nothing to feel badly about. There are plenty of ways to feel closeness or affection that don’t require a hug. For now, her grandparents should try to focus on those. They can talk with her, laugh with her, give her a high five (if she’s okay with that contact), or blow her a kiss. They can show interest in the things she’s interested in, read to her, take her on fun outings. Chances are that Aubrey will eventually feel more comfortable hugging them—although it’s also okay if she never does!—but pushing, forcing, or guilting her to do so before she’s ready is wrong, and certainly won’t help her get there any faster. —Nicole More Parenting Advice From Slate This is going to sound terrible, but I want to disown my 16-year-old daughter “Clara.” I’ve tried. I’ve really tried to raise her to be compassionate and caring for other people. But it’s never stuck. She was the stereotypical “mean girl” in middle school, with a clique of close friends who would bully other girls who didn’t live up to their standards. I tried cajoling, punishment, doing what I could to disrupt her ties to her “bad influence” friends even when I wasn’t sure they were bad influences, getting her involved in more wholesome activities, you name it. Nothing’s worked. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids