I Found Out My Husband’s “Plan” Ahead of the Midterm Elections. Now I’m Considering Leaving Him.

Dear Prudence I thought this time would be different. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Shannon Palus? Nov 09, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Лицензия Editorial/Getty Images Plus and SeventyFour/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. For this edition, Shannon Palus, Slate’s features editor, will be filling in as Prudie. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Prudence, My husband does not vote. It’s incredibly upsetting for me, especially given the state of our country. After the 2024 election, I told him how much this hurt me, and I thought his reaction meant he’d vote in the future. Then we went out to dinner with friends last weekend, and when they asked if we had figured out our plans to get to the polling place, I was stunned when he said he wasn’t going. Things got a bit heated as our friends talked to him about the importance of showing up. My husband is of the opinion that our government is corrupt and our votes don’t matter. I understand being jaded, but it’s our civic duty! He said he doesn’t care. We’ve been in couples counseling because I’ve been struggling in our marriage due to a lot of small differences between us that are adding up to something big. I feel like this is putting me over the edge. Should I respect his opinion or reconsider this relationship? —This Is a Big Deal, Right? (she/her) Dear Big Deal, I get that it’s easy to feel like your vote doesn’t matter, because in the scheme of things, your husband is right: One vote alone doesn’t really matter. But perhaps the blue tsunami will convince him to reconsider the idea of voting in future years. It was a testament to the fact that unexpected things can happen at the polls (and that elections can still very, very much be held despite a corrupt government, though perhaps this is going to be less of a concern in the future, with the Trump era coming to a close? We can hope). Also, when it comes down to the human psychology of efforts and rewards, it is just thrilling to go vote, and then to revel in the desired outcome taking place, when one is lucky enough to have that happen. I am a blue voter in a blue state, and to be honest, this is what got me to the polls—I wanted the joy of being part of something bigger. And boy did I get it! Maybe you can rub the thrill of being a voter in his face a little bit next election cycle. On the question of whether you should break off a marriage because someone doesn’t vote—no. It’s one of those things that is kind of catchy in terms of the plot—he didn’t vote, so I dumped him!—but in all the complicated reality of a marriage, it is an arbitrary test, and I think it’s worth considering if you’re taking a little bit of your political anxiety out on him by fixating on this. As therapist and Slate contributor Kathleen Smith points out, human beings tend to get a little bossy when things feel out of control in order to grab a little power back. You can’t solve America’s larger political problems, so you threaten to divorce your husband for not going to the polls … see what’s happening? I’m not saying that you ought to stay married, though. You note that a lot of small differences are adding up to “something big.” Spend more time examining what the “something big” is. Or, give yourself permission to acknowledge that there is something big happening, and that it is OK to break off the marriage because of a deep—if slightly amorphous—feeling. Should you return to the dating market, I hope you’ll keep in mind that the world is full of good people who, when it comes to “things a good person does,” don’t always drive to their designated polling location in order to carefully fill in every bubble. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I feel silly and simultaneously guilty asking, but I’m struggling with impending holiday travel plans. Specifically, my mother would like to travel together to visit one of my sisters for the holidays. The problem? I find my mother extremely difficult to be around due to her generally negative and judgmental disposition. She is also emotionally immature and reacts poorly to honest feedback, so I’m often handling her with kid gloves. We also live together (with my other sister), so it would be nice to get some time away from her. Is there a way I can kindly tell her I’d rather not travel together? —Feeling Guilty But Undeterred Dear Feeling Guilty But Undeterred, You could say something like: ”I really need some downtime by myself between all our family commitments, so I’m going to join you guys a day later,” and then book a separate plane trip. Or you could even announce that you’re not going to participate in family plans at all, and you’re going to Bali instead! Neither of these is unkind; they are simple statements of your preferences, which are very understandable given that you live with your mother and already see her a lot. As long as you don’t add “and the real driving reason behind this is that I find you annoying as hell!” you are not being unkind. Your preferences + lie of omission = kind. Your real issue is that you can’t force your mother to have any kind of specific reaction to telling her that you need some space to yourself. When it comes to that, you just have to say what you need, and let the chips fall where they may. She might get angry. This is fine. The good news is that it will get easier with practice. Enjoy your alone time! —Shannon Classic Prudie Around the time of my wedding last year, my brother’s fiancée blocked me on Facebook. I had no idea why until last weekend, when she told me that she blocked me because she was not in my wedding and she didn’t want to see pictures of my brother, who was, processing down the aisle next to another woman. Advice Marriage Voting