We Made a Major Decision for Our Child Because of My Sister’s Promise. Well, She Lied.

Care and Feeding I have the texts to prove it. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by AaronAmat/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, Earlier this year, my husband and I had a beautiful baby girl named Marie. When I first found out I was pregnant, we started searching for daycares. Ultimately, we decided to choose between two of them. One was a traditional daycare center, with lots of kids and multiple staff members. The other was an in-home daycare, run by a very nice (and experienced) lady. Between the pros and cons of each one, the only concern we had with the in-home daycare was that we would need to take vacation when she takes vacation (not a big deal), and if an emergency came up (or illness on her part), we would need to find other daycare options. My sister, “Lacey,” who was aware of this discussion, said not to worry about us needing emergency daycare. She married a guy who had two young school-age boys, and he was done having kids. She was a stay-at-home mom; she said she would watch Marie at a moment’s notice. Based on this (and we have texts to prove she said this), we opted for the in-home daycare. A little over a month ago, our daycare provider called us and said her neighborhood had been evacuated due to a gas line issue, and she was at a business a few blocks away (a neighbor helped move the kids), and we needed to come and pick up Marie. I called Lacey and told her she needed to pick up Marie at this business, and I would come straight from work to pick her up when I was done. We even have an “overnight” bag for Marie at Lacey’s house, and she is an approved adult for picking up Marie in this kind of situation. Lacey told me she couldn’t, as she already had plans in an hour for coffee and lunch with some friends. My husband has unpaid family emergency time available, so he was able to pick up Marie. Then early this week, the same thing happened. The daycare provider’s husband passed out at work, and she needed to get to the hospital. Again, we called Lacey, and she again said she had other plans and couldn’t get Marie. My husband left work (unpaid, but at least he has the option) to get Marie. I work one-on-one caring for medical patients, so I can’t just “up and leave” until a person comes and replaces me, which could take a half hour or longer depending on where I am working. When I confronted Lacey about what she said she would do versus what was actually happening, she said “that we shouldn’t expect her to drop everything and get Marie and to plan her life around waiting for a phone call that may never come.” When I showed her screenshots of the texts, she said that she really meant only at night or on the weekends when she was home with her husband and boys. We have plenty of people we could call on in the evening/on the weekend if needed; it is during the day when we have an issue. What is also a growing issue for me is that Lacey is more than willing to (and keeps asking) to watch Marie because she missed out on the “newborn experience.” I am so frustrated with Lacey right now; I am even thinking of telling her that if she wants to have “baby time” with Marie, it can be when we have an emergency, as she promised, but I am sure that won’t go over well. Our current daycare lady has been great (and a cheaper option) and very apologetic for what has happened, and I would dread moving Marie to a regular childcare center, but we may have no choice unless Lacey decides to keep her promise to us. Help! —Sister Backed Out Dear Sister Backed Out, Two major dynamics are happening here and, unfortunately, I think you are mixing them up. The first is daily caregiving. Based on your texts with your sister, you thought she was agreeing to help in emergencies when it seems she didn’t really mean that. It’s OK! Even if she did mean it in the moment, she’s allowed to change her mind. So, you and your husband can either move your daughter to a more traditional daycare, given that only one of you can come in emergencies, or you can find another backup. That person doesn’t have to be a family member. When I lived in another state far away from my family, my son’s babysitter could also pick him up in an emergency at school, and I would just pay her for those times. The second part of this equation is that your sister is your daughter’s aunt and wants to spend time with her. There is no reason to deny her that, outside of you feeling slighted about her not being able to do the caregiving side of things. As your daughter grows up, it’ll be important for her to have bonds with other adult family members she can trust outside of her parents. I know your feelings are hurt. I get it! But remember that your sister is your sister, not your co-parent. So at the end of the day, she does have the right to say no. Don’t let that affect your relationship, especially the relationship she will hopefully grow with your daughter. —Arionne More Advice From Slate My husband introduced our child to “Baby Shark” against my express wishes, and now he’s obsessed. He’s 20 months old and doesn’t go to day care, so while I understand that obsessions with annoying songs were in our future one way or another, we had a little while to still be in control of his media consumption. My husband thinks my irritation is overblown and hilarious. Advice Family Kids Parenting