I Always Play Up My Sexually Adventurous Side. But I Have a Secret.

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by CarlosDavid.org/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I’m transmasc and in my late 20s. In many ways, I consider myself pretty sexually experienced. I’ve been in a throuple, experimented with a bunch of different kinks, come into my power as a dom, and worked a lot on figuring out what I want out of a sexual relationship as it relates to my queer identity. The problem? The total number of people I’ve slept with in my life is … four. All of my friends are queer and sex positive, and most have slept around quite a bit. I’m embarrassed that I’ve been with so few people compared to everyone else. I keep it vague when talking to my friends, mentioning that I slept with a few people casually before (ex that most of my friends knew) and (current partner). I play up the more seemingly adventurous parts of my experience. While technically true, this version of events doesn’t really do justice to the fact that I’ve only been with four people total, and the vast majority of my sexual experience has been with said ex and current partner. I’m even embarrassed to admit the whole truth to my therapist! The thing is, I’m not looking to sleep with more people anytime soon. My current partner is great, and the sex continues to be super hot and satisfying more than five years into our relationship. We talk about exploring non-monogamy, which I’m excited for, but we both agree that now isn’t the right time. And it’s not like I’m hanging out with people who are bragging about their exact body counts, or who would make fun of me to my face about mine! I just feel this cloud of embarrassment about it that follows me around everywhere. I was known as a goody-two-shoes growing up, and I still seem to come off that way to people as an adult (I’m not really sure why). I feel like I have to live up to a certain standard of sexual experience so I’m not thought of as a prude. But really, I’d like to let go of my embarrassment, embrace the experience I do have, and enjoy my amazing current relationship without shame. Advice? —Not Slutty Enough Dear Not Slutty Enough, The loudest voice suggesting that you are somehow deficient in sex is yours. Your relative lack of experience has not hindered your current “super hot and satisfying” sex life with your partner. Your friends are not bragging about their body counts or encouraging you to up yours. This is all coming from you. I understand that a certain kind of pressure may arise from being around so many sex-positive people who seem well-versed in and comfortable with having many partners. But that’s just one tide you can choose to ride. Another is the prevailing narrative in wider culture suggesting that a high number of sex partners is bad and makes you immoral or otherwise lacking as a person. It should be clear that I prefer the tide you’re surfing, but I point out the alternative to show you how arbitrary this stuff is. If that latter voice were louder in your life, you might have no problem at all or even be wondering if four is too much. I’m sure that relative to your friends, four partners isn’t a lot. But according to the 2015 to 2019 results of the National Survey of Family Growth, the median number of lifetime sexual partners (of the opposite sex) women reported was 4.3, while the median men reported was 6.3. These numbers do tend to vary by demographic. For example, various surveys have placed the median for gay men at 19 and 22. Also, because promiscuity is stigmatized, we should assume these figures are lower than the actual numbers. But the point is that these numbers aren’t very high. A lot of people aren’t having sex with a ton of people. It’s all a personal decision. Your sex life has been of your own volition, and you stand by your choices to such an extent that even with the way you feel, you’re in no rush to up your body count. Still, it could happen if you and your partner decide to be non-monogamous in the future. Accept that you are the one who is curating your life and that it is subject to change. Be proud of the decisions that have made you who you are and know they’re not forever. You have been judicious thus far; you’ll know when it’s time to add some bodies to your pile. —Rich More Advice From Slate How do I quit having sex dreams about my friends’ husbands? I’ve been very happily married for 10 years, but thanks to antidepressants lowering my sex drive and the exhaustion of parenting tiny tyrants, we’re only having sex about once a week. That’s fine right now (we know this is just a phase), but my brain is craving a more frequent release. This is something I’ve noticed before—any time I go too long without an orgasm, I start having sex dreams. But to my great annoyance, my sex dreams are never about my own husband, but my friends’ husbands or, occasionally, my ex-boyfriends. Advice Sex