‘Happy mother, happy baby’? Why telling mums-to-be not to stress can backfire

We have all heard the popular saying “Happy mother, happy baby”. Now there is fresh research linking a pregnant woman’s mental health to her child’s development.A 2026 Singapore study published in the journal Psychological Medicine found that maternal mental health is linked to the child’s early cognitive development and risk of developing depressive symptoms later in childhood.However, it is not just a matter of getting mothers to be happy.“Motherhood comes with a wide range of emotions,” said Dr Chua Tze-Ern, psychiatrist and medical director at Serenity Clinic.Pregnancy can be hard. “It’s not easy coping with the nausea, appetite loss, weight gain, posture changes and consequent backache, hip pain and pubic bone pain caused by the pressure on the bone from the growing womb and baby,” said Dr Regina Zuzarte-Ng, obstetrician and gynaecologist at GynaeMD Women’s Clinic Clementi.Beyond physical changes, “it is a life-changing event, knowing that there will be a child on the way who will be totally dependent on you”, Dr Zuzarte added.“Many expectant mothers nowadays are employed full-time and some work very long hours. They have to juggle the physical changes while still completing their tasks satisfactorily at work,” she said.Telling distressed mothers-to-be to “be positive and happy” for the sake of their babies may be counterproductive, said the experts CNA Women spoke to.Instead, here are 10 tips that may work better and don’t involve any mum guilt.1. DON’T FORCE YOURSELF TO BE HAPPY Being mentally healthy includes making space for feelings such as sadness, anger and grief. (Photo: iStock/photocheaper) “Nobody is happy all the time,” said Dr Chua. “A mentally healthy life still contains sadness, anger, anxiety, disappointment and grief.”In parenthood, these feelings are not signs that “something has gone wrong”, she added. “They are part of loving somebody and adapting to continual change.”Good mental health begins with emotional awareness, said Dr Chua. “Being able to recognise what you are feeling and being curious about why you might be feeling that way rather than immediately deciding that the emotion is good or bad.”Poh Ping Qi, principal clinical psychologist at Alvernia Psychological Health Centre, Mount Alvernia Hospital, said: “Research shows that the ability to experience negative emotions without getting stuck in them is associated with lower parental stress and better mental health outcomes during major transition periods.”So, instead of asking, “How do I stop feeling anxious?”, ask: “How can I make space for my anxiety while still doing what matters today,” Poh suggested.2. PROTECT YOUR IDENTITY Retaining parts of their identity can help new mothers cope with motherhood. (Photo: iStock/Lifehdfilm) “Becoming a mother is an enormous identity change, particularly with a first baby. It is crucial to preserve something that belongs to you as a person, rather than as a mother,” said Dr Chua.Poh added: “Ask yourself what parts of your identity matter to you, such as friendships, career, values or hobbies.” While your priorities may have shifted, these can help you retain parts of your identity, she explained.3. MAKE TIME FOR SMALL PLEASURES“People often imagine self-care as something elaborate, such as a spa day or an overseas holiday. For a mother with young children, for instance, that may rarely or never happen,” Dr Chua said.Instead of waiting for these big moments, Dr Chua suggests engaging in small pleasures. “Drink a cup of coffee while it is still hot, sit outdoors for 10 minutes or read a book. Well-being is built from ordinary life, and ordinary life happens from moment to moment,” she said.“When something pleasant happens, give it your undivided attention for a few seconds instead of immediately moving on,” Dr Chua added. Research suggests that consciously savouring positive experiences can intensify and prolong positive emotions. A MOTHER’S MENTAL WELL-BEING DURING PREGNANCY MATTERS A 2026 study involving 523 mother-child pairs led by A*STAR Institute for Human Development and Potential and Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine, National University of Singapore, in collaboration with KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital and National University Health System found that:Positive maternal mental health such as emotional well-being and resilience is linked to stronger language development in early childhood, which in turn was associated with fewer depressive symptoms later in childhood.Negative maternal mental health such as anxiety and depressive symptoms was linked to weaker executive function in children, such as difficulty focusing attention, controlling impulses and adapting to new situations. This in turn correlates with higher levels of depressive symptoms later in childhood.Nonetheless, Dr Chua Tze-Ern, psychiatrist and medical director at Serenity Clinic, said mothers should not turn news of the study into “a source of maternal guilt”.“These studies describe associations and probabilities across populations. They do not mean that an individual mother’s difficult pregnancy, episode of depression or period of severe stress has predetermined her child’s future,” she added. Collapse Expand 4. EDIT YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA FEED Don’t let social media get you down – follow accounts that leave you supported, not feeling inadequate. (Photo: iStock/Nastasic) Avoid social media channels that make you feel anxious.“Some motherhood posts create the illusion that everyone else is having the ‘perfect pregnancy’, decorating their nursery, or balancing work, fitness and everything else perfectly. Naturally, this leads to comparison even though we know these posts are curated,” said Poh.“Follow accounts that educate, normalise real experiences, discuss real struggles, and leave you feeling supported, not inadequate,” she added.5. DO NOT ENDLESSLY OPTIMISE“There is an extraordinary amount of information about what mothers should be doing – the ideal food, parenting style, school and so on,” said Dr Chua.While the advice may be quite reasonable on its own, it can become impossible to follow, taken as a whole. “Sometimes, improving a mother’s well-being involves giving her permission to take three things off her to-do list,” suggested Dr Chua.6. BUILD THE VILLAGE YOU NEED“One of the strongest predictors of maternal mental health is perceived social support,” said Poh. So set aside time for intentional conversations with your partner, discussing expectations, division of responsibilities, and how each of you prefers to receive support when stressed, she suggested.For partners and family members trying to help, rather than vaguely saying, “Let me know if you need anything”, make the offer more specific, Poh added. Offer to cook dinner or accompany her for an appointment.Validate her emotions instead of trying to immediately reassure her. Sometimes, statements that begin with “At least” or “Don’t worry” can come across as minimising, Poh explained.7. DRAW BOUNDARIES WITH FAMILY It’s important to set boundaries to protect the mother’s mental health. (Photo: iStock/staticnak1983) Not all help is helpful. “If somebody’s involvement consistently leaves the mother-to-be feeling more anxious, exhausted or undermined, it is reasonable to change the arrangement even if the helper has excellent intentions,” said Dr Chua.“It is usually easier for a husband to set a boundary with his own parents and a wife with hers than to leave one partner perpetually cast as the difficult daughter- or son-in-law,” she added.8. MAKE HEALTHY LIFESTYLE CHANGESSometimes, “feeling lousy” may be linked to a physical cause.“A 2019 study found that nearly three-quarters of Singapore women were iron-deficient in the early third trimester of pregnancy. This can lead to fatigue and shortness of breath, which women may mistake as normal pregnancy symptoms, making it harder to cope during pregnancy,” said Dr Zuzarte.Ensure you consume adequate protein, as well as iron-rich foods like lean meat, beans and dark leafy greens, she advised.Physical activity, exercise and mindfulness practice during pregnancy can also help reduce symptoms of depression or anxiety and promote well-being, Dr Zuzarte added.Healthy lifestyle adjustments are especially important for medically complex pregnancies such as gestational diabetes, hypertension and pre-eclampsia, as well as for mothers who are 35 or older.9. NAVIGATE THE STRESS OF A HIGH-RISK PREGNANCY Having a high-risk pregnancy, such as having gestational diabetes or pre-eclampsia, can cause a mother to feel anxious and uncertain. (Photo: iStock/dragana991) In the case of prior miscarriages, high-risk pregnancies or other medical complications such as genetic conditions, the expectant woman may “develop intense fear for the baby’s survival and anxiety about an uncertain future for both the child and family”, said Dr Zuzarte.These emotions are perfectly understandable, so do not feel guilty about them, said Poh. “Instead, allow yourself to acknowledge both hope and fear at the same time. Focus on what is within your control today, rather than trying to predict the outcome.“Stay connected and grounded with people that make you feel emotionally safe and continue to engage in activities that create positive emotions.”10. TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE SHOULD NOT BE A SOURCE OF MUM GUILTIt is not helpful to tell distressed mums-to-be that “Everything happens for a reason”, “Don’t stress – baby can feel your stress” or “At least you can get pregnant”, and these can be triggering in some cases.“It is a misconception that maternal mental health is entirely the mother’s responsibility. We tell women to sleep, exercise, meditate, practise gratitude and ask for help,” said Dr Chua. “Individual coping skills do matter, but you cannot self-care your way out of every structural problem.” CNA Women is a section on CNA Lifestyle that seeks to inform, empower and inspire the modern woman. If you have women-related news, issues and ideas to share with us, email CNAWomen [at] mediacorp.com.sg.