When You Get an Email That Makes You Angry, Do This

Users Before You Respond to That Email, Try Waiting Eight Hours If it’s making you angry or confused, or it’s just complicated, taking a beat to calm down can help. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by VladimirFLoyd/iStock/Getty Images Plus. This is One Thing, a column with tips on how to live. It started when I was writing an angry email to my insurance company. It seemed like they were going to deny coverage for some medical tests that I was sure they were supposed to pay for. When I complained to my therapist about it, I explained that I was going to send them a response along the lines of: Listen you corrupt clowns, I already sent you the forms you requested five times so this is obviously just a typical ruse to get out of paying. He reminded me that I can be, well, a little bit of an impatient hothead. His advice was to draft a response, and then wait eight hours before sending it. Waiting would allow me to process the actual information in the insurance company’s message, and to calm down. Most importantly, being in a less reactive state would give me a better shot at attaining my actual goal—getting medical coverage—instead of simply insulting a customer service person. Since my longtime therapist’s behavioral approach had already helped rein in my personality enough to quit smoking and drinking, and marry a great guy, I decided to try his suggestion. The email I ended up sending began: “Thank you so much for your help with this complicated matter.” Insurance ended up reimbursing me completely. Aha! I realized that replying to complicated requests or problems in anger or haste was never smart, so I kept his rule to slow my response time down eight hours for future correspondence. It’s useful in situations that elicit any kind of strong emotions, not just anger. More recently, an ex-boyfriend I hadn’t seen in years emailed me a request to loan him $4,000. He’d been sick, so I feared he might need the money for something serious. Could he not afford medical care? We’d dated after college; I’d always felt guilty I’d ended the relationship. I wondered if I could afford to lose the $4,000. What if he died before repaying? Recalling my therapist’s mandate, I didn’t answer right away. Just because someone contacted me didn’t obligate me to reply instantly. Hours later my ex shared more info unprompted, revealing he needed money because a Russian woman he was involved with couldn’t afford the tuition for her son (who lived in Moscow!). What a scam. I told him so, refusing to comply and letting him know that he shouldn’t be giving away money he needed to borrow. I was glad I kept my rule. Now I try to slow down all complicated or heated electronic correspondence for at least a day, sometimes a weekend. If you’re like me, eight hours can feel like a long time, but it isn’t, and waiting can be like giving a great present to yourself. Internet Culture Mental Health Relationships Workplace Etiquette One Thing