When We Arrived at My In-Laws’ House, We Heard Barking From Another Room. That’s When We Realized the Foolish Thing They’d Done.

Care and Feeding We warned them. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by fusaromike/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My husband’s sister has had her 14-year-old dog since he was 4 months old, but in the last year, he has lost his hearing and developed dementia with increasingly severe episodes of sundowning. A trainer and a veterinarian have both been brought on board to work on behavioral and medical interventions, but nothing has helped. To complicate matters, she and her husband have an 11-month-old baby. They’ve basically always kept the dog and baby in different rooms, but this has become more difficult as the child becomes increasingly mobile and the dog further declines. He’s injured both my sister-in-law and her husband in the past few months. Their vet recommended euthanasia as the kindest option at this point. When she told her parents, my mother-in-law was very sad, and my father-in-law became angry, saying they could try to rehome him to someone without kids instead of “just killing him.” I told my sister-in-law that I knew it would be hard to put her elderly dog down, but I thought it would be cruel to him to send him to a new person and place when he is already most likely scared and confused in his familiar home much of the time. The next time we went over to my in-laws, my mother-in-law stopped us at the door and asked us to wait a minute while my father-in-law took care of something. When we got inside, we heard barking and crying from down the hall, and my husband asked if they had gotten a dog. His parents looked at each other kind of nervously and said they had taken in his sister’s dog. We were upset to hear that they hadn’t warned us that an increasingly aggressive dog was in their house before letting us come in with our 3- and 4-year-olds. They said they would keep the dog in a separate room at all times, but I told them I didn’t feel comfortable with that being the plan and that we needed to go. My husband agrees with me that we will not bring the kids to their house as long as the dog is there. His parents have been repeatedly calling and texting both of us since then, sending photos of the dog calmly sitting with them on the couch, saying that they’ve had no issues with him since he came there, and suggesting that maybe he was just reacting badly to the new baby in my sister-in-law’s home. This argument makes it even worse to me because it means they don’t see him as the threat he has demonstrated himself to be and wouldn’t necessarily even keep their promise of separation. My husband is also concerned about his parents potentially getting seriously hurt because of this underestimation. Should we keep talking to them about our concerns or just stand our ground on not going there for however long the dog is with them? —They Think He’s Just A Good Boy Dear Just, I am sympathetic to everyone in this situation—to your sister-in-law, who had no choice but to give up a dog she loved and had lived with for so many years, and who no doubt dreaded the thought of euthanizing him; to your parents-in-law, who hated the idea of his being put down (after all, they’d known and perhaps loved him, too, for 14 years) and took him into their home despite his problems, which are unlikely to have cleared up to the extent they avow; and to you and your husband, who are now between a rock and a hard place. You are right to be concerned about this dog interacting with your small children, and I’m with you: You cannot be sure your in-laws will be vigilant about keeping this from happening. As someone who struggled hard (and still grieves) over a dog who suddenly became aggressive, and whom no amount of intervention was able to help, my heart aches for your in-laws—all of them. You were right in your assertion that rehoming this dog with strangers would have been awful for him (even if they could have found a home for him, which would have been extremely difficult under the circumstances). I don’t blame your husband’s parents for taking him in, even though it may put them at risk. I’m impressed by their kindness and bravery. I would have wept with gratitude if someone in my life had offered to take in the fearful, anxious, deeply troubled dog I loved—and who loved me, devotedly!—but who had bitten me multiple times over a period of weeks and finally attacked me so aggressively in a moment of confusion that it sent me to the hospital emergency room. (The story is too long and complicated to properly recount it here. If you want to read more, see the essay titled “Animal Behavior” in my memoir-in-essays If You Say So.) I understand why your sister-in-law accepted her parents’ offer. I even understand why they have convinced themselves, and are trying to convince you, that the dog is “fine” now. That doesn’t mean I think he is fine. You’re right: Your children should not be around him. But it isn’t for you to persuade your in-laws that they’ve made a mistake, nor is it necessary for you and your husband to keep telling them you’re worried about their safety. They are adults; they are capable of making their own decisions and taking risks if they choose to. I also don’t see the value in your restating your concerns about your children. Why not simply tell them—without anger and judgment—that, for now, you and your husband would enjoy visiting with them at your house. Invite them over on a specific day! And then invite them again, and again—as often as you ordinarily would take the kids to their house for visits. You may have to specify that the dog must be left at home on these occasions. And if they ask you to say more, the kindest thing to say would be that you understand why they’ve brought their daughter’s dog into their home, that you admire their generosity and open-heartedness in doing so, but that you simply don’t feel it’s a good idea for you to take chances with the safety of your children. They will likely say that they don’t see this as your “taking chances.” You can politely agree to disagree, and reiterate your invitation. The dog will not live forever. And his new owners may indeed have found a good solution to the problem of his final days, months, or years: a quieter household may work to keep him calm, at least for a while. —Michelle More Advice From Slate The other day, I was in the bathroom when I noticed my 16-year-old son’s cellphone in there. I’ve done that, so after washing and drying my hands, I found him in his room and gave the phone back. While I was about it, though, he got a text, which looked like complete gibberish to me. Advice Family Kids Parenting