We Had to Choose Which Daughter to Move Closer To. One of Them Is Determined to Make Us Regret It.

Dear Prudence She’s always had a dramatic streak. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Oct 05, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images Plus and Bilbo Baggins/Adobe Stock. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, My husband and I are retiring this year and are sick of snow. We have two daughters on opposite coasts, and both want us to move near them. Our daughter on the West Coast has three children that we adore, but the cost of living is sky-high. We wouldn’t even be able to afford a studio, let alone a space for our garden and dogs. Our daughter in the East has a beautiful home in an area that is affordable, and we even have friends who have settled there. We decided to move there. Now our other daughter is furious with us and has accused us of abandoning her and not loving our grandchildren. She has always had a dramatic streak, but this was incredibly hurtful. She has threatened not to come for Christmas or Thanksgiving. She will not let us speak to our grandchildren or Zoom them. We talk to them almost weekly, and it feels like a limb has been cut off. Help! —High Cost Dear High Cost, I think it’s beautiful that you have two daughters who really want you to be nearby, which is much more than most parents of adults can say. It speaks to the fact that you and your husband were great parents. And I hate that you’re getting punished for that. Your West Coast daughter’s anger is heartbreaking because it shouldn’t be this complicated. Anyone old enough to have a home and children should understand that finances limit where one can buy or rent. Her inability to accept that probably tells us something. I’d be willing to bet that she’s dealing with something (maybe just the everyday stress of raising three kids, maybe postpartum depression if the youngest one is still a baby, or maybe an underlying emotional issue that has fueled her “dramatic” reputation throughout her life) that was triggered by your decision about where to live, but not caused by it. If you can place the unfair allegations into that context, I suggest treating her the way I’m sure you did when she was a child and was melting down about something: Be patient, try to identify the real cause, offer her tools to help, and let her know that you’re there for her. This, of course, requires reminding yourself that her lashing out is probably not personal. While she’s insisting on physical closeness, I’m sure she really needs the emotional support you’ve always offered just as much. You can give that to her from far away. But don’t forget to visit, too! Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I’m going through perimenopause and have been feeling awful and completely overwhelmed by all the conflicting information out there. So, I reached out to my extended family and asked my aunts and female cousins to share their experiences. It was horrifying. Dozens of women who had been too embarrassed to discuss what they were going through, most relying on diazepam to sleep, only two receiving hormone replacement therapy (HRT), and just a morass of conflicting medical advice. It’s been helpful, but it has left me really sad and angry that women’s health seems to be largely ignored, that so many issues are taboo, and that all it took was a group message to start a conversation. It makes me wonder what else I’m ignoring and how I can be a better advocate for myself and my loved ones. More than that, I am heartbroken that so many women I love have been struggling with something so profound on their own. How do I bridge the silence? —Can I Ask How Your Ovaries Are Doing? Dear Can I Ask How Your Ovaries Are Doing, Get on TikTok. Or any social media platform, for that matter. Or search for articles on any symptoms you’re having, even if you’re not convinced they’re specifically related to women’s health. Read about it on Slate! People seriously cannot stop talking about it in recent years, and the good news is that the phenomenon you’ve observed—women being secretive or ashamed about all this stuff—is definitely on its way out. The same is true for things like IVF and postpartum depression. The internet will really be your friend here. Of course, use the various groups, communities, and comments sections for validation and camaraderie (and for material to send to the family group chat to keep the conversation going!), but make sure to take any concerns to an actual doctor as well. Not just any doctor, but one with great reviews for taking these kinds of concerns seriously. As I’m sure your female relatives would affirm, that’s definitely not the case for all of them. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, I own a business where I am in a work crunch and will often ask my stepdaughter, “Julie,” to do the pick-up and drop-off for her sister and the other carpool. Julie got burned out at college and is doing online school and therapy. Julie is a blessing—and has a coffee addiction to a certain franchise. She gets her caffeine, and her sister knows not to whine. The other carpool kids don’t. They will throw screaming fits and have to be physically removed from the car because they are so enraged. I was horrified when the other parents doubled down on Julie being “abusive” and “unfair” for going through a drive-thru and not paying out of pocket for their brats. I have a 5-year-old, and some kids are 9. No is a word you teach a toddler. One mom whined that Julie was setting up her kids for failure. I have been the heavy lifter here because my schedule tends to be flexible, but this is nuts. No one pays for gas or food, and every place will give water for free. You aren’t dying if you don’t have a chocolate milk latte or a cookie pop. And Julie gets to have those. I am very blessed with my stepdaughter, and she is doing well. Her father travels out of state often, and I like Julie staying with us as she is figuring things out. I am just about ready to switch groups and let the other parents figure their shit out. Not getting fast food or coffee isn’t a crime; they have food at home. What do I give here to get through to these idiots? —Carpool Chaos Dear Carpool Chaos, The proper response is, “It seems like things have broken down and the carpool isn’t working well anymore. If there’s ever an emergency, I’m happy to ask Julie if she’s available to give one of the children a ride, but we should pause the regular pickups in light of all the recent conflicts and how upset the little ones have been.” In other words: Take it or leave it. That said, I do think there were other solutions: Julie could have agreed to get her coffee after the last drop-off, or pick it up before collecting the kids. And it would definitely be nice to skip cookie pops and other treats if she wasn’t going to provide them to everyone. While you’re right that her passengers aren’t entitled to take part in the Starbucks run and definitely aren’t “dying” when they go without, I’m sure they’re also learning in school that it’s rude to bust out a treat if you don’t have enough to share with everyone. The same idea kind of applies here. I can imagine that at the end of a long day, they’re tired, hungry, and not at their best, so it would be thoughtful to avoid using this particular moment to train them not to be entitled. But because we’re now at the point of having to physically remove screaming kids from the car, and Julie has been accused of setting the children up for failure, the moment for compromise has passed. Julie can enjoy her beverage and your non-demanding kids in peace, and everyone else can find a way home that doesn’t feel like “abuse.” Classic Prudie I’m (over)due with my second child, and I am not looking forward to the “help” that will come when she is born. When my son was born, my in-laws came for a week. They helped by holding my son, soothing my son, playing with him—all the things I wanted to do… Advice Dear Prudence Family Parenting