Tim Campbell: Why I finally talked to my mum about death – and you should too

In the spring of 2020, nobody knew whether tomorrow was guaranteed. And somewhere in that strange, horribly unsettling quiet, I finally did something I had been avoiding for about 10 years: asked my mum what her plans were for when she is gone. If you grew up in a Caribbean household, you will know exactly why it took me so long. We have a phrase about not bringing “duppy to your yard”. A “duppy” is a ghost, and the belief – only ever half-joking – is that talking about death invites it in. So people don’t talk about it. You talk about food, church, the weather and whose child is doing well at school, and you leave the one subject that actually matters sitting silently for years. Shorts Then a virus arrived that appeared to be targeting older people in particular, and the focus changed. The taboo became smaller than the fear of what was already at the door. The way I saw it, we had nothing to lose. So as a family we sat down and did the lot: the will, the power of attorney, what Mum wanted for her funeral, and what happens to what she has. It wasn’t a morbid conversation. We reminisced and talked positively about the future. We joked about who was the favourite child and, going through papers, found photos and old sentimental memories. Families with a solicitor and advisers might have this conversation as routine, with professionals in the room. Families like mine have it at a kitchen table, clumsily, in a pandemic and a panic. Some, unfortunately, never get the chance to have it at all. But when somebody dies without a will, the law decides who gets what, and it doesn’t know or care about your family. October is also Free Wills Month, when solicitors in selected areas will write or update a simple will free of charge for anyone aged 55 or over. The charities behind it pay the solicitor, in the hope you might leave them something, though you are under no obligation to. Appointments go quickly, so if this is for your parents, book early. Will Aid runs every November, is open to any adult over 18, and works on a voluntary donation of around £120 for a single will. When nobody holds power of attorney and a parent can no longer manage their own affairs, you cannot simply step in. You have to apply to the court and wait. Getting this vital document in place early can take stress out of what can be an awful time. In England and Wales, there are two types of Lasting Power of Attorney – health and welfare, and property and financial affairs – each costs £92 and it is best to have both. I am writing this from an odd stage of life that many of you reading this might empathise with. I am helping look after a parent, still raising a teenager, and at the same time trying to make sensible decisions about what my wife Jasmine and I do next. Pulled in three directions all at once. It gets you thinking. So here are four questions to prompt four conversations, and none of them needs a solicitor: Where’s the will, and is it current? Who holds power of attorney? Where is everything: the accounts, policies, pensions, passwords, the Roses tin full of cash? And what do they actually want at the end? Get the answers to those and you have done the important parts. The tax comes after, and it is smaller than most people fear: only around one estate in 20 pays inheritance tax today, though that share is forecast to rise once pensions come into scope in 2027. But once you have broken the taboo, you can start talking about how to deal with this as a family too. Giving money directly as gifts during your lifetime is one way families can reduce a bill. But there are rules (and these could change in the October Budget), so take professional advice where possible. MoneyHelper is a free and impartial website that can help with the basics. My mum isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, as she keeps reminding us, but I’m still glad we’ve had the conversation while there was nothing to be frightened of, duppy or otherwise.