Things my Oma taught me

Editor’s note: This column contains racial epithets. Reader discretion is advised.Before we get to hootin’ and a-hollerin’: I sent CAIR $100 only the one time. Then I decided not to send them any more money, though I had planned to send them a lot more.Not because I disagree with what they are doing. I agree with them, mostly. You know why I cut them off?Because they didn’t say thank you.I know, sounds pretty silly, what with all the violence war rape insanity and murder every day all the time everywhere around the world today. Sponsored by our government and others. But hey, man, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks.And my Oma told me there’s never an excuse for not being polite.Oma would be 130 years old if she were alive. She was the sweetest little old Jewish grandma in the history of the world. I’m sure she would be on the side of the Council on American-Islamic Relations, and not that potty-mouth bastard in the White House, or the fascist Jew running Israel.Oma couldn’t have been 5 foot 1, if that. She could knock out a Chopin Waltz or Ballade as easy as blink. I remember the day she strode into my Mommy and Daddy’s house, bearing pastrami, and the first words she said to her grandchildren were not, “Hi, Bobby! David and Ricky! And little Debbie!” No, what she said was, “Those damn Blackhawks lost again.”That was the only bad word I ever heard out of Oma’s mouth. And it was just the one time. Her son — my Daddy — was professor of pharmacology and editor of a science journal. In his youth, he’d sat in on piano with blues bands on Chicago’s South Side.One time when Oma was babysitting us, I sang “Twinkle-twinkle Little Star” the way Daddy sang it:“Starkle, starkle little twink,Who the hell you am I think?”Oma was babberflagsted … flabberfounded … Oma was shocked.“What kind of language is that? Who taught you that?”“Daddy did,” I said.But getting back to the Council on American-Islamic Relations. My Oma and Opa grew up in these good ol’ United States when we were still allowed to say nasty things about Jews right out loud. “Kikes” was the word back then. After that word went out of style we — well, some people — were still allowed to say “Nigger” out loud for years.First time someone called me a kike I didn’t know what it meant. I thought he called me a kite. I didn’t know it was supposed to be an insult. I still don’t know if I’m supposed to capitalize it.And no, I’m not going to write “the N-word,” because no one in history ever wrote “the K-word.” Grow up, America. Look in the mirror. Admit who you are. Or have been. And are becoming again.Oma called Black people “the shvartzes,” which means black in Yiddish. She didn’t say it as an insult, or to demean Black people. She said it because it means black in Yiddish. Hell, her son hung out with shvartzes. She didn’t have a problem with shvartzes. It’s just a word.Lenny Bruce told us the words don’t hurt: It’s the repression behind the words that’s meant to hurt. And since I repress practically nothing, I don’t hurt anyone.America, my Dear: Have we overcome the worst in us by no longer calling Jewish people Kikes? Have we overcome our worst tendencies by no longer being allowed, in polite society, to call Black people Niggers?I do not believe we have overcome any of those things. Now we have a new target: Muslims.A Houston Chronicle columnist cast his sharp eye upon this, after Texas Governor Greg Abbott spewed his customary threats and nonsense over a 402-acre master-planned community northeast of Dallas, whose members want to build a mosque, a private Islamic school and a retirement home for elderly Muslims.Should a bunch of Christians try to do something like that, Mr. Abbott would surely “bless” them. Last time I checked, there were several master-planned Christian communities in Texas. But Abbott swore — to his peculiar, vengeful god — that Muslims will never do that in His state, not while He’s guvnor.C’mon, Governor Greg. Know any religious history? Don’t you know that Islam, along with Christianity and Judaism, is one of the three Abrahamic religions?Or don’t you care, because Muslims don’t send you money?Less than 2% of Texans are Muslim. And “The roughly 450,000 immigrants to Texas who were born in Muslim-majority countries generate $19 billion in personal income every year, working in the healthcare, finance and energy sectors, census data show,” according to the Houston Chronicle.So what does the Dishon. Governor Abbott want, really?To tromp on the heads of children and families who are Not Quite White Enough for his taste.I lived in Texas for years. Even edited a newspaper there. But I don’t live in Texas no more. I wouldn’t do it for love nor money.There’s a “movement” now to let Texas secede from our once-upon-a-time union.I say, let ‘em.But who would accept a state like that, under Greg Abbott? Not Mexico. Maybe the old Soviet Union.Subscribe to our free newslettersOur weekly newsletter Closing Arguments offers the latest about ongoing trials, major litigation and rulings in courthouses around the U.S. and the world, while the monthly Under the Lights dishes the legal dirt from Hollywood, sports, Big Tech and the arts.Additional Reads