The unstoppable rise of nipples – and why you are seeing them everywhere

We are a couple of years out from Kim Kardashian launching her nipple bra on a completely unprepared public. If you missed this one, it’s a padded, push-up bra with fake nipples on it. I had enormous fun reviewing it but ultimately decided it was just so damn uncomfortable, it simply wasn’t worth the attention it garners. It’s heavy, clunky and feels akin to having your tits crushed by a mattress. Yes, your jugs look colossal, but they are also rock-hard and liable to concuss any passing child who doesn’t duck. So, imagine my excitement when I saw none other than Marks and Spencer is now selling stick-on nipples that “feature a realistic, raised profile that creates a subtle silhouette beneath clothing.” Now you’re talking! And whereas Kim’s nipple bra will set you back a whopping £72, these retail for just £7 – that’s £3.50 per nip. Bargain! Nipples have been big business in the fashion world for a while now. The most recent Met Gala was an absolute nipple bonanza. Fashion journalists fill columns pondering whether the nip has finally had its day, only for them to come roaring back as highfalutin designers send models down the catwalk with theirs looking like candles on a cake. I want to know if I, a mere mortal, am missing out. Visible nipples are all good and well in Paris fashion week, but how do they go over at a Zumba class? Now before anyone starts asking “what on Earth are those for?” I need to point out (before anyone else does) that a very strong market for fake nipples are women recovering from mastectomies and reconstructive surgery. There is an actual medical need for prosthetics like this.However, they are also very popular with idiots like me who just want to see what life is like with insanely perky tits and reminisce about a time when my own nipples faced northward, instead of south-westerly. These products are not sold as medical prostheses either. They are part of M&S’s “Body” line, which stocks lingerie, shapewear and nipple covers. If you are reading this and have the nipples I accidentally sent to my old address, I am sorry about that I accidentally sent the first order I placed to an old address and was too embarrassed to go and ask for them back. If you are reading this and have my nipples, I am sorry about that. The second order swiftly arrived, and I was good to go. They are made from rubber and silicon and are quite large. They have to be big enough to cover your own nipples and prevent any chance of them peeking through as well, which would look decidedly less sexy and very much like you’d recently had a litter. They are super easy to apply: you just peel the back and stick ’em on. I advise doing this in a mirror because you do want them to be level. You haven’t come all this way to end up with cockeyed tits. You don’t have to wear them under a bra – you can just stick them on and go about your free-boobing business. But I couldn’t shake the image of one falling out the bottom of my dress while I was in the queue at the Post Office, so I put them under a bralette for added protection. I decided to wear mine under a white vest top for maximum visibility, but these things are so pert you can clearly see them underneath jumpers and sweatshirts as well. Be prepared to be on show because, despite the claim, these nipples are not “subtle”. You could hang your keys off them. I felt transformed. My nipples had gone from supporting characters to executive producers. It was like my boobs had finally got their act together and they meant business. I thoroughly enjoyed looking in the mirror and pretending my nipples were still in that position. There is an old expression, that you wouldn’t worry quite so much about what people think of you if you knew how seldom they did. Well, that doesn’t take fake nipples into account, because they really do get a lot of attention. ‘My nipples had gone from supporting characters to executive producers’ I imagine that if you are someone blessed with naturally pert nipples, you aren’t thinking about them all the time. But stick a couple of falsies down your top and you become hyper-aware of how the world reacts. The furtive glances and the wandering eyes, through to the flat-out staring. I don’t know what it is about the presence of a visible nipple that entirely disrupts a perfectly normal outfit, but it does. I suppose it’s because the sight of one poking through offers a tantalising glance at what the boob might look like. It creates the illusion of nudity even if it’s underneath a jumper. And yet, you can’t accuse someone of dressing for attention just because their nipples stick out. It’s clever really. It’s very sexy but doesn’t look like you’re trying. Hey! It’s not your fault your nipples are sticking out. I can’t blame anyone for looking, because I too have tried desperately to avoid staring at a woman when hers are at full salute – and failed miserably. “Don’t stare. Don’t stare,” you internally repeat to yourself, but somehow the more you will yourself not to, the harder it is to look away. Now I wonder if they were faking it too. By the end of my experiment, it felt like I was playing a mean practical joke on the public. I was wandering about, amusing myself watching the poor buggers I encountered desperately try to look me in the eye. I’d ditched them by day three. They just took too much negotiating. Is this top too sheer? Is this one too tight? I have friends with naturally large breasts who simply scoffed: “Welcome to my world” after I told them of my plight. I don’t know if you need me to tell you this, but fake nipples create a very sexy, boob-focused look. It’s ridiculous really, but there we are. I don’t make the rules. Would I wear them again? Absolutely I would! But as a wise man once said: “With great power comes great responsibility,” and I feel the fake nipples must be used in short bursts and select events. You can’t just be sashaying around Aldi, embarrassing the helpless bugger stocking the shelves. I intend to restrict mine to nights out, dates, and traffic stops from here on out.