The Great Pillow Talk Recession Is Here

It’s tempting to just roll over and pick up your phone after taking care of business with your partner in bed (and you’re probably not the only one who feels the same way). But while shifting into the next gear after sex just makes sense, relationship experts say you’re missing out on a valuable way to strengthen your bond.It’s called pillow talk, and it’s basically mental and emotional intimate time spent with someone else when you’re not having sex. During pillow talk, you’re relaxed and vulnerable, chatting about what’s really on your mind. You can have pillow talk right before or after sex, but it tends to be more of an afterparty thing.Unfortunately, pillow talk is becoming a lost art. “A lot of couples move quickly from sex back into the pace of everyday life,” says Lilith Foxx, a board-certified sexologist and AASECT-certified sexuality educator. “Phones come back out, the television goes on, someone gets up to shower, or both people fall asleep without much transition.” That quiet time after sex used to be an invitation for conversation, she points out. “Many people now fill it before they have a chance to connect or do aftercare,” Foxx says.It’s hard to deny that the great pillow talk recession is here. But just because pillow talk isn’t a regular part of your foreplay or afterplay now doesn’t mean it can’t be in the future. Here’s why the pillow talk recession is problematic, plus why experts say it’s time for a comeback.Here’s why the pillow talk recession is an issue.There’s a lot to cover here. At its core, skipping pillow talk is a missed opportunity, according to Celeste Holbrook, PhD, a sexual health educator. “Pillow talk is incredibly intimate because you are both practicing vulnerability,” she says. “Whether it is sharing feelings, processing the sexual experience, or just having a good gossip session, you are creating closeness through your unguarded conversation.”It’s also a good chance to reinforce to your partner—and you—that what just went down meant something. “Pillow talk is validating and a really good place to build trust and intimacy,” says Debra Laino, DHS, an AASECT-certified sex educator. “Without this time, partners can feel isolated, used, and not seen.”It can even impact how you both remember what happened in bed, Foxx says. “Without that transition, some people may leave the experience feeling unexpectedly distant, even when the sex itself was pleasurable,” she explains.Pillow talk may even help you and your partner navigate a rough patch: An older study found that couples felt less uncertain about the relationship and more positive about the future of their bond after a “transgression” when they did pillow talk.What actually happens during pillow talk?If you’ve never done pillow talk before, it’s fair to have questions. There are no rules here, but Foxx says this can be a good time to talk about whatever pops into your brain. “Pillow talk can be playful and ordinary,” she says. “Couples may laugh, revisit a funny moment, talk about future plans, or simply enjoy hearing what is on each other’s minds.”This is also a prime opportunity to learn more about your partner sexually. “People can share what felt good, mention something they would enjoy trying again, or talk about what helped them feel especially desired,” Foxx says. “These conversations often feel more natural when they happen shortly after the experience, while the sensations and emotions are still fresh.”How to bring pillow talk back.Yeah, you’re probably not single-handedly going to spark a resurgence in pillow talk, but you can at least start with what’s happening in your bedroom.“First and foremost, put the phone, tablets, and computers away and leave the television off,” Laino says. While post-sex is the perfect time to share a laugh over Love Island, you’ll do more for your relationship if you take a few beats to just connect first. (You can move on to the reality TV portion of your evening later.)You can kick things off with what Laino calls “appreciation talk.” That means saying things like “I love the way you smell” or “I love being close to you.” Of course, this is more effective when you’re physically close, which is why Foxx suggests staying next to each other, cuddling, or maintaining gentle contact.You can see where things go from there. But once you start pillow talk, Foxx recommends making it a habit. “Even 5 or 10 minutes of intentional connection can become a meaningful ritual,” she says. “As couples become more comfortable, the conversation often expands naturally into desires, memories, insecurities, hopes, and the smaller details of life that help partners continue getting to know each other.”By the way, don’t be pissed if your partner falls asleep. “Sex can be relaxing for many, and falling asleep can be viewed as a sign of safety vs disrespect—so, reframe it,” Laino says. You can always lean into pillow talk the next time around.