The 4 Common Pitfalls of Long Distance Relationships, According to Experts

You’re convinced you’ve met the love of your life. They’re charming, they’re hot, and god, they’re funny. When you’re together, it’s butterflies and kismet, but there’s one thing wrong: you live in different cities. Or worse, in different states altogether.Long-distance adds an undoubtedly difficult component to a relationship, but not an impossible one. Many long-term and married couples have dealt with being long-distance at one point or another, and have lived to tell the tale. So, what’s the secret? A little extra dose of savvy with a touch more navigation.I don’t want to make it sound like it’s easy-peasy though—LDRs aren’t for the weak and can be an uphill battle. So to get the full rundown on what makes long-distance relationships successful—and fails—we asked experts about their most common pitfalls. From mismatched communication styles to the sheer lack of physical touch and intimacy, below are some of the four most common reasons long-distance relationships fail.Lack of physical and emotional intimacyFor some couples, this feels like an impossible hurdle to overcome. “Physical affection, flirting, feeling desired, and just being close to someone are all important parts of a relationship,” says Carly S., pleasure educator and owner of Horny Stoner. “When you don't have easy access to those things, you have to get a little more creative and actually make an effort to keep that connection going,”Perhaps just as crucial and challenging is that long-distance couples don’t get to witness the mundane moments in each others’ lives. “When you're not physically together, you miss out on many of the smaller, everyday interactions that help people feel connected,” says Marina Gershkovich, PhD, a New-York based cognitive behavioral therapist specializing in anxiety and relationships. “It's the spontaneous conversations, shared routines, and little moments that happen when you're spending time together,” she continues, referring to the common things that are experienced in non-long-distance relationships.“You don't have those little everyday interactions that happen naturally when you're around someone. Instead, you're relying on texts, phone calls, and trying to make time for each other, which can leave a lot of room for misunderstandings,” Carly S. adds.Despite these inevitable hurdles, with a little creativity, maintaining physical and emotional intimacy with your partner can be done. “A good supplement for not seeing each other in person is scheduling date nights,” Carley S. suggests. “That can be spending time watching a movie together on video call, a longer weekly phone call, sexting, or sex toys, especially ones that can be controlled long-distance, so it's more interactive.”Angelika Koch, relationships & breakup expert at Taimi, adds on: “You can also send them small gifts like a stuffed animal to cuddle with, a weighted blanket to ease anxiety, and there are vibrating bracelets that allow with a simple tap, you to have a moment of distant touch.”IdealizationI’ve seen this with many of my friends in long-distance relationships. The anticipation to see someone you only get to lay eyes on a few times a year is exciting, it’s almost like a perpetual honeymoon effect. However, when it comes time to actually spend real time together, sometimes the facade fades away. Turns out, there’s a name for that: idealization, or when you like the idea of someone or something much more than the person or thing itself.“Idealization refers to what happens to our perceptions during long periods of separation,” says relationship expert Wendy Walsh, PhD, a psychology professor at California State University Channel Islands. “Some people create an imaginary ‘perfect boyfriend or girlfriend’ in their minds that doesn’t match up with the real-life version who finally arrives for a visit.”Mismatched communicationThis isn’t exclusive to long-distance relationships, but since communication is such a key element for long-distance relationships, having different communication styles and preferences can undoubtedly create a bigger hurdle. And it’s not just the way we communicate, but having different expectations for how often communication should happen.“One person might want to talk several times a day, while the other is perfectly comfortable checking in once,” says Gershkovich. “Neither approach is necessarily wrong, but if those expectations aren't communicated or discussed, it's easy for one or both partners to feel frustrated or neglected.”She continues: “Distance can also leave more room for assumptions. If someone doesn't respond to a text or misses a phone call, it's easier to start filling in the blanks, particularly for someone who might struggle with anxiety or insecurity.”That spiral sometimes can lead to jealousy issues, though of course, those aren’t exclusive to LDRs. “Trust and jealousy issues aren't necessarily more common in long-distance relationships, but distance can amplify insecurities that are already there. The distance might act as a magnifying glass.” She continues, “When we don't have all the information, our minds tend to fill in the gaps. A delayed response to a text can suddenly feel like evidence that something is wrong, even when there's no real reason to think that.”Keep the golden rule of “quality over quantity” in mind when it comes to communicating with your long-distance partner, and don’t assume more of something is the quick-fix.“More communication isn't necessarily better communication,” Gershkovich says. “Sometimes texting all day can start to feel like an obligation, and it doesn't always make people feel any closer. Couples can benefit from focusing on the quality of their interactions and that quality will be determined by their own preferences.”Neither person sees a future togetherAt the end of the day, the biggest issue in a long-distance relationship is unaligned future values together (and similar to the above, this isn’t only applicable to LDRs).“One of the biggest reasons long-distance relationships might fail is that couples might start to lose their sense of connection or stop feeling like they're working toward the same ‘future,’” Gershkovich explains. “Sometimes relationships also end because people's needs or circumstances change that might change their version of what they might want their ‘future’ to look like.”Does this mean you need to discuss your future early on in the relationship? Perhaps, and it’s really a couple-by-couple basis to make that determination. However, sharing similar goals for the future can strengthen any relationship, not just a long-distance one.“Having a shared vision for the future can also make a big difference, particularly when both people feel they're working toward eventually being in the same place,” Gershkovich continues. “Long-distance relationships can be just as healthy and fulfilling as relationships where couples live close to each other. They do, however, require more deliberate effort to maintain connection, communicate needs, and make time for each other.”