Studies reveal the 2 phases of life when parents are happiest, but not everyone agrees

Many people have children to find deep personal fulfillment or to give their lives greater meaning. Whether having kids actually makes us happier at a core, fundamental level has long interested researchers. So far, the results are mixed. But we’ve learned a lot about how parenting affects our mental health and overall satisfaction with life. Research identifies two key life stages that make parents happiest Jess, a research scientist and mom who goes by The Science Mama on social media, recently shared results from some pretty interesting studies from the past decade. The surveys she highlighted aimed to get to the bottom of one big question: not whether parents are happy, but when are they happiest specifically? Parenting spans multiple decades, and even then, the job isn’t done when kids are grown. Each phase, from infant to toddler to teen to adult child, brings its own joys and challenges. Parsing the data revealed a few fascinating insights. According to the studies, including a 2016 paper in Developmental Psychology, happiness in parenting follows an interesting trajectory over the years, with two key standouts: Of the thousands of parents polled, most were happiest during infancy and when their children became adults and no longer lived at home. “The dip,” as Jess calls it, was stark and noticeable: parental happiness was at its lowest during the middle school years. What makes the infant and adult-child years so joyful? Deeper findings from the research explain why these two life stages stand head and shoulders above the rest. Head researchers Suniya S. Luthar and Lucia Ciciolla found in Developmental Psychology that, in infancy, parents have one of the best perceptions of their child at any life stage. Which makes total sense—babies can be hard, but they’re completely innocent and faultless. They don’t misbehave, at least not in the typical sense. They’re too young for us to have a complex or fraught relationship with them. At this stage, a parent’s outlook is full of optimism, no matter how many sleepless nights they might endure in the meantime. Parents of preschoolers also tended to view their children positively, but the picture starts to get muddier. Kids begin to have trouble adjusting, parental guilt rises, and feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being a caregiver really kicks in. Parents of adult children, on the other end of the spectrum, carry very little guilt with them and have had time to make peace with the person their child wound up becoming. They may be disappointed by how certain things turned out, but it doesn’t weigh on them as heavily. Their “role overload” is also basically nonexistent since they are no longer primary caregivers, and they’re free to explore their own passions, interests, and hobbies with far fewer family obligations. The middle school years stand out as the most difficult. Parental guilt is high, the caregiving load is high, and parents’ view of their children plummets as kids struggle to form their own identity. Middle school is a tough time for many kids, which makes it a tough time for many parents. A 2018 study in The Journal of Marriage and Family breaks it down best. The researchers write, “Parents report the lowest levels of happiness with adolescents [about ages 10-19] relative to younger children, and mothers report more stress and less meaning with adolescents,” adding that mothers appear to be shouldering the majority of the stress and difficulty at this stage. Your mileage may vary: Not everyone agrees with the findings Jess’s Instagram post sparked a strong reaction, racking up over 12,000 likes and hundreds of comments. Many parents weighed in with surprise at the study’s findings, commenting that they didn’t necessarily jibe with their own personal experiences: “This cannot be right … for me and MANY mamas the first year is the hardest and then gets easier and better,” one wrote. “Huh? 4-10 yo seems to be golden years so far. I can finally shower and eat breakfast alone without constant fear. They are a joy to travel with, have stamina for outdoor sports etc,” said another. “For moms that are worried that the worst is yet to come…this definitely is not my experience at all. I have an 8th and a 5th grader and it has only gotten better every year,” someone added. “I’m loving the middle phase! Not sure what’s so bad about it,” another chimed in. It’s easy to look at Jess’s data and see a bleak reality: after the baby finally arrives, you’re in for years of decline before things start to look up again. Parents’ real lived experiences say otherwise. Not everyone will follow the same path, and no matter what your parenting journey looks like, there is always something to look forward to. When you lose the baby snuggles, you get the toddler magic of the Tooth Fairy, Disney princesses, and superheroes. When you lose that, you get the elementary schooler who’s down to watch sports and go on adventures with you. Then the moody tweens and teens who make fun of your music and introduce you to theirs. And the adult children who, hopefully, become some of your very best friends.