Six Years Ago, My Husband Planned to Meet a Woman for Sex. He Can’t, Or Won’t, Tell Me Anything More.

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Ranta Images/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear How to Do It, My husband has admitted to agreeing to meet another woman at a hotel to hookup about six years ago. He told me that he messaged her online for a month, they agreed to hookup, then she didn’t show up but he did. The thing is, he has also said he can’t remember what platform, app, or website he talked to her on. He doesn’t remember the exact time frame during which this occurred. He doesn’t remember what car he drove to meet her, if I was out of town or not. He doesn’t even remember her name. So something doesn’t add up for me. I only want the truth of what he did or didn’t do. I want to get past this. I’m happily married, but we’ve gone around and around with the same q-and-a sessions about this for almost two years. The truth is what I seek. How do I get that from him? I know it’s not possible to learn all of the things he can’t remember. I’m a very logical thinker, and I need the pieces to fit together so I can put it away. I’ve explained how I feel to him, and I want to keep our marriage regardless of the answers he gives. I could believe there would be some things he wouldn’t remember, but not knowing how he talked to her for a month? You would think that in getting ready to step out on his wife, he would remember where he was, what car he sat in anxiously awaiting her arrival, what app or social media platform he used to use. I’m seriously over it. I need the truth, and it is starting to affect all aspects of my life knowing that he knows. He’s had issues in the past and even when confronted with proof he sticks to the “lie till you die” motto. How do I get the truth? Is it me or can it be possible he doesn’t remember? I feel a fool for even asking when I know the answer. — In Love with a Liar Dear I.L.W.L, I don’t want to let your husband off the hook, especially since he has already exhibited the “lie till you die” pattern of behavior that you mentioned. He really might be lying to you about this hook-up that wasn’t—after all, he isn’t dead (yet). I want you to feel secure in your intuition. I’m being extra careful here since I’ve been caught being too generous with the benefit of the doubt at times, and men in particular have a way of showing just how much they don’t deserve it. You know your husband way better than I do, and if you feel like something is amiss, it probably is. However, I want to suggest a possible explanation as to how your husband might be telling the truth about not remembering details that you consider crucial. Negative emotions like shame and guilt were found in a 2018 study to be associated with poor working memory, which is crucial in the formation of long-term memory. Perhaps he felt so bad about his prospective cheating that he unconsciously did not form vivid memories of it. I definitely have a hard time retrieving details of things I knew I would want to forget. I understand that the details here are important to you, but you could see how in another frame of mind, such things might be so immaterial as to be forgettable. This was six years ago. From what I can glean, the information that you seek is just color that is far less damning than that which he has already admitted. Then again, if coordinating meetings with strange women is something your husband has done chronically—say via variety of platforms/apps/websites, during different timeframes, using multiple cars, and when you were both in and out of town—well, certainly the details would start to blur and one particular instance would be harder to retrieve in full. I don’t know that’s the case, but it’s yet another possibility. Regardless, I don’t think it’s going to help you to be so fixated on details, but I also think that you should trust your gut. He might not be forthcoming with his truth, but at least you have yours. If you can’t trust him, it’s going to be really hard to maintain a harmonious and healthy relationship. —Rich Juzwiak From: My Husband Confessed to an Affair—but His “Story” Is Totally Bizarre. (July 18th, 2021). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, I recently caught my wife reading stories about father-daughter incest, allegedly by women who had enjoyed this. I had gotten odd vibes regarding my wife and her father, but I figured that I didn’t really understand father-daughter relationships in general. Now I’m not so sure. It may have just been a fantasy for her, but there are young relatives who could be at risk if her father really is that kind of person. If we have children ourselves, that will always be in the back of my mind—there is perhaps even the risk that my wife will be inappropriate with her offspring if she regards such relationships as positive. Frankly, this makes me never want to have children. Is there any good way to ask my wife about this? —Just a Fantasy? Dear J.F., Fantasies, by their nature, are not reality. They’re sometimes a way of us getting closer to things that will never or can never be a reality but that are nonetheless exciting and/or stimulating. Incest fantasies are not uncommon—in Justin Lehmiller’s survey of 4,000+ Americans, the results of which were published in his 2019 book Tell Me What You Want, about 20 percent of respondents said they’d fantasized about incest at some point, he told me by phone recently. I put this in front of you in the hopes of influencing your mindset if and when you broach this subject with your wife. People are capable of all sorts of thoughts they’d never act on or even admit to; your wife’s just happen to have been externalized in her reading material. I don’t mean to second guess your intuition, which could very well be spot on, but from an outsider perspective, “odd vibes” and some leisure reading are hardly evidence of actual incest, so you should approach any discussion on the matter with an open mind. Ask questions, don’t point fingers. Inquire, don’t accuse. Anything bothering you so much to warrant a reevaluation of your life path is worth discussing, but be prepared to receive some anger or scrutiny over how you uncovered your wife’s reading material in the first place. (Were you snooping?) The act of making people answer for things can provoke its own questions. —R.J. From: I’m Pretty Sure My Wife Wants to Have Sex With Her Father. (July 11th, 2021). Dear How to Do It, I am a man in his mid-40s who has been with my wife for 15 years. I am struggling with a total lack of interest in sex. I’ve never been with anyone but my wife, and I didn’t meet her until I was almost 30. I have come to think that my general lack of attention to sex throughout my life is probably abnormal. Reading columns like yours, I see so many people who like and want to have sex, and then there’s me. I love women and think they’re beautiful, but nothing turns me on. I’ve had sex with my wife but honestly found it to be not so pleasurable that I’d miss it if I never had sex again. I’ve asked physicians about this and they’ve prescribed Viagra, but that does nothing to address the issue of sex not being interesting at all to me. No one has said my testosterone is low or anything like that. Everyone assumes, rightfully I think, that everyone wants to have sex. My wife has a high sex drive and is constantly frustrated. I feel terrible about this whole situation and I don’t know what to do, but I can’t pretend anymore. I have no idea what direction to go in to start toward being normal. —Not Feeling It Dear NFI, You’ve come to the wrong place if you want a pat verdict on how to be “normal.” I don’t believe that exists. And it would be tedious and most likely fruitless endeavor for you to try to conform to an imaginary standard. The fact is, you aren’t alone! While this column indeed is teeming with people whose issues stem from their sexual attraction, we hear from plenty of people whose don’t or who are in long-term relationships that are sexless. In fact, we just heard from a guy who wanted to know if his lack of desire with his partner was something we hear about often, soliciting a “misery loves company” balm. Join the party! Few of us are so unique to be the first person with any given problem; if you can feel it, and feel bad about it, you can be fairly certain that someone else out there has or is. As to your particular issue: Have you considered the possibility that you are asexual? You may have some vague notion of what that means, but the range of individual identities within asexuality is vast. For example, there are some people who are interested in other people romantically but not sexually. The common trait among “aces,” according to Angela Chen’s 2020 book Ace, is a lack of sexual attraction to other people (but not necessarily the lack of a sex drive altogether.) I highly recommend reading Chen’s book—it may help you feel less alone. You should also seek out online communities of asexual people (here’s one on Reddit), as that may also help. What I think your challenge will be is to dive deeper (a therapist could also be helpful here) and ultimately accept what you find. That may involve some direct, very difficult conversations with your wife. But try to let go of the idea that you need to be “normal” (no such thing!) and embrace the notion that you need to be you. —R.J. From: After 15 Years of Marriage, I Can’t Deny the Truth About Sex With My Wife. (March 3rd, 2021). More Sex Advice From Slate I’ve been with my wife for 13 years. Over the last six months, a new desire has started to take place on my end: I believe I may have a foot fetish. 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