Our Friends All Have the Same Complaint About the Future. They Don’t Know We Can’t Relate.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, Within our friend group, our oldest children are all getting ready to leave for college. A common discussion has been how we’re all paying for it. People are expressing all kinds of stress and anxiety (rightly so!) over loans, both for the kids and the parents. I so very much agree that college has become ridiculously expensive and sometimes financially ruinous. I feel for my friends struggling with these choices, but we’re just not in the same situation. In our personal situation, we are able to foot the entire bill for our child’s very expensive private university. When our friends find out where our child is going, they ask about what kinds of loans we’re doing, if we decided to do a second mortgage, and basically asking us to share ideas for how we’re financing such a big ask. When this topic comes up, I have stated that we’re not actually doing loans, but the aftermath can be awkward, as they’re just realizing we’re in a different financial situation. We live the same average lifestyle as our friend group. We’re not “rich,” but we probably do have a lot more means than our friends. I don’t make a big deal out of it nor do we discuss our finances, but honestly? Yeah, we actually do have a lot of money, and this is a major way it’s been expressed. I don’t want to nod along and pretend we’re struggling, but ignoring it or shrugging it all off by saying, “Oh, we’re just figuring it out,” rings false, too. How can I commiserate with their anxiety but not be a jerk, or lie or obfuscate? —More Than You Realized Dear More Than You Realized, Of course, you’re not obligated to disclose your financial situation to your friends, but I get that your question is more about how to handle an awkward situation in the most respectful and caring way possible. I’ve written about this problem before, and the thing is, these are your friends. Your privilege might trigger some frustration for them, which is understandable, but those frustrating feelings have less to do with you than their own financial situation. With that in mind, I would keep any conversation focused on the skyrocketing cost of tuition rather than your money. If your friends dig into your business, all you can really do is try to shift the focus of the conversation while also acknowledging luck and gratitude. Your friends might be genuinely curious how you can afford to do this or how you’ve built a comfortable nest egg. In some cases, and depending on how close you are, it can be worth sharing information that helps them. In other words, if they’re totally lost on how to save, budget, or invest, a little transparency might be helpful. But that’s a whole other conversation. If they push you or take out their situation on you, then you’ll have to set some boundaries around the conversation, but it doesn’t sound like you’re there. Overall, I think it’s important to remember that you can’t control how your friends think, feel, or behave. The only thing you can really do is listen, express empathy, and be gracious about your own situation. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, I’m 50 years old and single. I’ve been pretty bad at managing money for most of my life, and I filed for bankruptcy last year after three debt lawsuits. Even before filing, I’d gotten better after making some changes, getting sober, and increasing my income. I’m now in a pretty steady place where the bills are being paid each month, and I can identify when problematic emotions pop up that threaten stability. I’m currently making around $170,000, and my rent is around $2,800. I have around $10,000 in a 401(k) and no other real savings. But I recently received a settlement for around $430,000 after lawyers fees and tithing. I’m inclined to use the bulk of it (though not all) to purchase a house outright in a less expensive city, and therein lies the question: Would it be better to buy the house outright, or take the mortgage as an opportunity to improve my credit score? I’ve already been pre-approved for a mortgage at around 5.5 percent interest where I would put down around $150,000, and I’m looking to spend something like $350,000 total. What do you think? Buy it outright, or take on a mortgage? I know what Dave Ramsey would say, because he lives rent-free in my head. Is there anything I’m overlooking? —Feed Big Banks, or Nah? Dear Feed Big Banks, I get the voice in your head, but debt isn’t always the villain it’s made out to be. In some cases, it can be a tool. And given the solid financial life you’ve built (steady income, bills under control, and a huge windfall) taking on a mortgage with a reasonable interest rate can actually give you some flexibility. Here’s why: If you buy the house outright, you’ll have peace of mind and no monthly payment, which is great—Dave Ramsey would be proud—but you’ll also tie up most of your cash in one asset. On the other hand, if you take on the mortgage, yes, you’ll pay interest, but you also have options for your money. That gives you room to build your savings and retirement accounts, while also having cash on hand to cover unexpected expenses. And if you decide later on that, actually, you hate that debt, you can always pay off the mortgage early. Or just pay off a big chunk of it at once. Given your situation, I’d lean toward the mortgage. It gives you more liquidity and might even help rebuild your credit after bankruptcy. You don’t need it, which is awesome, but it buys you flexibility. Your priority is making sure you’re not just buying a house, but also rebuilding your retirement savings and keeping your financial life balanced. —Kristin More Money Advice From Slate My wife and I (we’re both women) are dissolving our living situation, and in the long term, we may dissolve our marriage. Her racist, abusive mom is too ill to live independently, but refuses a nursing home, and wants us to move in and care for her. This woman has called me and our teenage son racial slurs and has been homophobic and wretched. We fought and compromised by planning to live separately: My wife will live with her mom in her mom’s house and manage her aides and care, while our son and I will downsize to a smaller apartment. 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