My Wife Told Me She Has Only Had Sex With One Other Person. Then She Told Me Her Definition of “Sex.”

How to Do It Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Tran Van Quyet/Getty Images Plus. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, My wife says sex to her is only vaginal penetration. So oral and anal aren’t “sex” to her. She is adamant about it. So when we’ve talked about our sexual history, she’s said she only had sex with one person. When talking to me, however, her definition expands. If I ask her, “So, if I get oral or anal is that sex? Or cheating?” She says yes. And if I circle the response back to her sex life, she says it isn’t sex. So what is it? —I’m Confused Dear I’m Confused, You’re asking me? I think that oral and anal are sex—as a gay man, they are my go-tos. You should be asking your wife. If this behavior doesn’t qualify as sex, what is it? Does she file it at least near sex in her head? Is it sex-adjacent? Sexual? Sex-esque? A thing like sex that isn’t sex? Most importantly: Why? Getting at why her adopted taxonomy is so important to your wife could reveal the attitudes that underpin it. It would be, of course, useful for me to pick her brain on the subject before picking her argument apart. But since I only have your word, here goes: It has something to do with the kind of purity that our culture venerates in virginity. She’s adhering to the kind of loopholes that some people (especially religious ones) use when they want to get off with someone else without it technically counting toward their virginity. By this logic, you could get anally gang banged by 10 guys but retain your purity, at least in the eyes of…uh, God? (As if God hasn’t seen it all.) It’s never made that much sense to me, but virginity is a social construct and thus pliable. It’s also a concept many have taken issue with for a variety of reasons, including the way it has been imposed upon women as an absolute virtue. “Morality” as it were has no place in consensual sexual contact, in my opinion. A blow job is not somehow more or less righteous than PIV. On top of all this, legally, both anal and oral qualify as sexual contact that, if performed non-consensually, would constitute sexual assault. I would guess that your wife equates a lower body count to being a better person, and if things like oral and anal don’t count, her number is lower and she’s closer to God or whatever she believes in. Again, hard disagree. This is a very, “Whatever you need to tell yourself…” kind of issue for me. —Rich Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. More Sex Advice From Slate My wife (40F) and I (42M) have been married for more than 12 years. We have a great relationship built on love, trust, and respect. We also have great sex. We don’t get after it as much as we used to but I have no complaints about the frequency or results. Bottom line, she is a great wife and a perfect partner. I could not imagine being with anyone else. But,..I just can’t forget a conversation we had before we got married. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Dating and Relationships Sex