My Sister’s Boyfriend Has Some Out-There Beliefs. Now They’re Having a Baby, and I’m Scared.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My sister, “Ellie,” is dating “Jordan.” He’s into the sovereign citizen movement, anti-government and very into some crunchy hippie stuff. As time goes on, she’s adopted more of his views. They work at a remote ranch, surrounded by similar minded people. She doesn’t speak to the rest of our family, and so I’m her remaining link to a more mainstream world. Now they’re expecting a baby and I find myself trying to triage my pushback against some choices she’s making. How do I decide what’s the most important, and how do I maintain this relationship when I think she’s making some dangerous decisions? Ellie plans to do a home birth. Our state doesn’t have a highly qualified midwife program. I had a terrible hospital experience with my own child. I understand not wanting a medical birth but it’s the best of bad choices in my opinion, especially if there’s unexpected complications. I encouraged her to make a backup hospital plan, and it didn’t go well. She is seeing a licensed OB during her pregnancy so I let go. But she’s recently told me that they’re not vaccinating their baby, or doing vitamin K at birth. While I was digesting that, she informed me Jordan doesn’t want to get the baby a birth certificate or a social security number because of Big Government. I didn’t even know that was a thing. I’m worried she’s going to die or be severely injured. I’m worried her baby is going to die or best case, be disadvantaged through life. I’m on a waitlist to see a therapist for my own feelings, and I’m trying to have routine video calls with her to stay extra close during pregnancy. But I’m scared. Every time I try to suggest alternatives we fight. —All These Ideas Are Bad Dear Ideas Are Bad, You have to navigate the tricky dance of making sure Ellie trusts you enough to keep communicating with you while still trying to provide her with information she needs to hear. Do not focus your (obviously valid) critique on Jordan, but instead, on why some of their plans are dangerous; he’s likely already convinced her that her family doesn’t understand them. Talk to her about what can happen if she doesn’t get proper care for herself and her baby during and after delivery, or what may happen to her child later in life without a social security number. Ask her how having those things herself has harmed her and what she is attempting to protect her little one from. It’s great that you’ll soon have a therapist to talk to about this because it’s a really awful situation. Unfortunately, there’s no way for you to guarantee that your words will ever get through to your sister and you do have to prepare for the likelihood that she and her idiot partner are going to go through with this horrible plans. Be there for her and make sure she knows that no matter what, she can always turn to you. Encourage her not to let Jordan be the only person she speaks to and remind her the importance of having loved ones near at this time. Hope for the best but accept that your sister is in a deeply unhealthy dynamic and the only person who can change that is her. —Jamilah More Parenting Advice From Slate My husband and I have been together for seven years and want very much to have children. We have learned that it is difficult for me to conceive, and for some time now we have been undergoing fertility treatment. I did become pregnant more than once, but each pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 8-14 weeks. Now my doctor has decided we are good candidates for IVF, so we start our first round in a month. For some time, my mother has been buying baby toys and clothes, saying she’s storing up for her future grandbaby (my only other sibling has made it clear they do not want children). She’s constantly sending me photos of these items, especially after a miscarriage to try to “boost my spirits.” This definitely does the opposite of that. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids