My Sister Just Showed Me Her Engagement Ring. I Have Big Questions for Her Fiancé.

Dear Prudence What is the world is going on? Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Oct 03, 20268:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Carlos David/Adobe Stock. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, The home of one of my friends, “Britney,” was broken into a few months back, and all of her jewelry was among the things that were stolen. Last week, my sister “Nina’s” boyfriend “Joe” proposed to her and she accepted. We met up for lunch over the weekend and she was walking on clouds over her engagement ring. Except, I nearly fell over when I saw it because it belongs to Britney! The ring she had stolen with her other jewelry was a one-of-a-kind ring with a sapphire surrounded by diamonds to create the shape of a flower that belonged to her late grandmother. I later spoke to Joe to ask him where he’d purchased it, and he said he got a great deal on it at a local pawn shop. I don’t think Joe was responsible for the break-in at my friend’s, but I know I can’t let him and Nina remain in the dark about Britney’s stolen ring being on her finger. The last thing I would want is for her to see it and have my sister and Joe find out that way. How can I break the news to them? —Ripped Off Ring Dear Ripped Off, “You’re not going to believe this but when I saw the beautiful ring I knew it looked familiar, and I realized I’m 99 percent sure it’s the one that was recently stolen from my friend Brittney in a home invasion, and I think that’s how it ended up at the pawn shop. You obviously did nothing wrong, and I hate to put a damper on your beautiful engagement, but I just wanted to say something rather than letting Britney discover it and catch you off guard. It was very sentimental to her, so I’m not sure if she would want to make an offer to buy it back from you or something, but I’ll leave that to you to sort out if you want to get in touch. Sorry again for having to bring this up, but I hope something can be worked out. At least we know you both have great taste in jewelry!” Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I have a terrible lying habit. I lie about things that are big and small, and I just can’t help myself! It has gotten so bad that I live in constant fear of people from different parts of my lives crossing paths and possibly discussing any of my lies. I am scared to start dating anyone because I know I would lie about so many aspects of myself that it would be cruel. I have no idea how to stop! I want to be a good, honest person. How does everyone do it? —A Big Fat Liar Dear Liar, Everyone else does it, or rather, does not do it, because everyone else doesn’t have the same brain you do. According to a piece by Amanda Beltrani for Palo Alto University’s Business of Practice blog, which provides expert insights into mental and behavioral health practices, compulsive lying (defined as “The uncontrollable habit of telling lies, often without a clear motive”— which seems to describe what you’re dealing with pretty well) may manifest as a symptom of various underlying conditions, including bipolar disorder, ADHD, impulse control issues, substance dependency, borderline personality, and narcissistic personality.” Some believe it can result from childhood trauma. It’s clear this is something you won’t likely be able to will yourself out of doing. Beltrani writes that treatment for compulsive lying “demands a strategic and thorough approach from professionals” and can include a comprehensive assessment; education on the nature of your condition, motivational interviewing that identifies your goal and values and the impact of the lies on your life; cognitive behavioral therapy to identify thought patterns, triggers, and irrational beliefs; behavioral modification strategies, group therapy, and more. You deserve help and should seek it out—yes, because constant dishonesty would make a romantic relationship impossible. But also because you’re currently miserable in ways that have nothing to do with dating. You’re not a bad person, but the world will treat you like one, and you’ll continue to suffer, if you don’t turn to the people who know how to put an end to this. A better, more honest life is possible, but only with professional guidance. Dear Prudence, I have a friend, “Bethany,” who frequently invites me out to dinner at upscale restaurants. She knows I don’t have the resources she does, so she covers the tab. The trouble is that Bethany uses each of these outings to vent about everything going wrong in her life. I literally just sit there, eat, and listen. While I’m not ungrateful to her for providing an experience I wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford myself, serving as her personal sounding board is growing tiresome. Bethany is very sensitive and I’m not sure how to get her to stop being so negative without upsetting her. Should I just find excuses not to meet up with her? —Angry Friend Dear Angry Friend, There’s definitely not a rule that says whoever pays gets to dominate the dinner conversation. So let’s forget about the part of this story that has to do with money. Bethany is your friend who wants to hang out a lot and whose self-centered and negative monologues bum you out. You don’t say how close you are, how much history you have, or how much you care about her, but if it would sadden you to lose your relationship with her, try to fix this dynamic before you give up. I often advise people in your situation to take more ownership of the conversation instead of allowing the other person to lead and falling into familiar patterns. It’s worth a try at least! Text her before your next dinner with something like “I can’t wait to see you! I have three things I want to get your opinion on: A weird interaction with my manager at work, a complicated story about the guy I’m dating, and this hilarious story from my latest trip to the farmer’s market.” Then, during the meal, be aggressive (pleasantly aggressive, but aggressive) about sharing these tales and keeping her on topic. You can still listen to her complaints and show empathy and even ask a couple of follow up questions, but then change topics again: (“How is your mom? Is that dog still wearing a different color raincoat every day?” “Look at those people two tables over. Do you think they’re on a first date?”) If she appears resentful or annoyed or plows over you to go back to complaining about her incompetent dentist and unacceptable midyear review, the next step, if you’re feeling brave enough, is to be explicit: “I care about you the things that are going on in your life, but I would like the chance to talk about other stuff too. What do you think?” At that point, if you face pushback, go ahead and start making excuses. Catch up on this week’s Prudie. More Advice From Slate A few months ago, a mysterious package arrived in the mail addressed to my daughter, who had just turned 4. It was signed from “a secret friend.” I didn’t recognize the handwriting, but after some detective work I tracked it to my mother’s husband of a few years, a man I always found slightly creepy but ultimately harmless. Now I’m worried he’s grooming my daughter. What should I do? Advice Dear Prudence