My Sister-in-Law Insisted on Bringing Her Dog to My House. Then the Worst Possible Scenario Happened.

Dear Prudence I can’t believe we’ve gotten to this point. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 19, 20268:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, My husband and I held a 70th birthday party for his uncle at our house two weeks ago, and his sister “Brandi” brought her dachshund “Milo” without permission. I didn’t want the dog around, but decided to tolerate it rather than have her cause a scene. We have a swimming pool that is not fenced. I told her she would need to keep an eye on him, and she assured me she would. As it got closer to evening, the party moved from the backyard to inside the house. It was then that Brandi realized she had lost track of Milo. A search of the yard unfortunately led to our 18-year-old nephew discovering him drowned in the pool. Now my SIL is threatening to sue us if we don’t pay for a new dog plus $5,000 in “pain and suffering.” As far as I’m concerned, we don’t owe her anything. She was warned about the lack of a fence around the pool and she agreed to watch her dog herself. My husband wants to give in to her insane demands to avoid a family war (she’s the family Golden Child and has already gotten her parents on our ass). Considering she knew the risks, she’s entitled to nothing, right? —Dachshund Debacle Dear Dachshund Debacle, I’ll let you bring the legal side of this to a local attorney. And I actually think you really should do that, because Brandi is using the language of someone who is serious about being litigious. She’s also totally irrational and must know on some level that this tragic incident was her own fault. Do not give in. If it helps to convince your husband, the plan to avoid a family war is not a great one because his sister has already launched an attack. This kind of incident can represent an opportunity to demonstrate that you’re not going to be pushed around by the most unhinged relative, and the perfect moment to take some space from a person who I’m 100 percent sure is not exactly a joy to be around even when she hasn’t recently lost a pet. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I’ve been friends with “Mara” for about 8 years. We’ve always been very fond of each other and live in the same town, but have always had a hard time linking up to see each other more than once every other month or so. Despite not spending a lot of time together, we always explicitly counted ourselves among each other’s very close friends. Mara went through a divorce last year and her salary alone was not enough for her to find her own place. I invited her to live in my guest room for a few months. I had a good feeling me, my husband, and Mara would get along as roommates, and our very different schedules allowed us to both have a lot of time alone at home. I also declined to accept rent from her as we make about 8x as much money as her, and a negligible amount to us would be a great deal to her while sorting her life out. I preferred to think of her as an extended house guest, and honestly it went great on that front! The issue is that after seeing her every day, I started to realize that our limited time together has been her choice. We had a pleasant chat over coffee each morning before I went to work, but her robust social life never grew to include me. With maybe 1-2 exceptions over six months, she declined every invite I extended her in favor of just having some down time after a busy week. Her last week before moving to a different state was very strange. She had multiple last hurrahs with a few different groups of friends that she recapped to us as so special and bittersweet. She didn’t invite me or my husband to any of them and was non-committal on our offers to do something together. He said it was like we were boarding our niece for a semester who loved us and wanted absolutely nothing to do with us! I didn’t know how to communicate how I was feeling because I felt so aware of the power dynamic. I don’t feel like she owed me attention in exchange for housing, I’m just baffled and hurt that she didn’t want to spend time with me. At some point I felt like all I could give was an attitude of “well OK nice knowing you, I guess come back and visit sometime?” and I think despite her resistance she somehow seemed to feel let down. She has texted me a lot since she left, sweet notes on her new home and shared books we love. Her communication with me is always so affectionate and intimate, but it was truly very weird and sad to live with someone who refused to spend time with me while claiming to love me a lot. I don’t really know how to proceed here. It still feels weird and presumptuous to address it—I always feel like if someone liked you more they would like you more, you know? But every time I get a text from her my heart hurts. I don’t really have any other relationships that feel insecure like this. —Feeling Iced Out Dear Iced Out, I’m just as confused by Mara’s behavior as you are! Whatever the cause, it’s severely damaged your relationship, so you don’t have much to lose and may as well address it. Here’s a script: “Hey, it’s great to hear from you. Thanks for the sweet text. There’s something I’ve been wanting to share with you, and I’m going to go ahead and do it now: I was pretty hurt and perplexed by the dynamic between us when you were staying with me. I know you didn’t owe me attention in exchange for housing, but I was really surprised that you declined my invitations to hang out and socialized so much with others without ever inviting me. I assumed you did not want to be close friends, which I was willing to accept, so I have a little bit of whiplash from all the nice texts you’ve sent since you’ve left. Is there anything you can share that might help me understand?” Dear Prudence, I have a friend from childhood who invites herself over whenever she’s back in town. I can live with this, but it extends to sleeping over with her children. We are in our 40s, our kids are teens, and the home she grew up in is less than five miles from here, so it’s not like she is without a place to stay. I wish I thought quicker on my feet the last time she said “great! Well come over and stay the night!” because it feels more awkward to back out now than if I had nipped it in the bud. 1. How do I now bring up that I’d like to get together, but not have a sleepover and 2. Is there a gracious response from the get-go the next time she overextends her invitation to come over? —I Love You but Go Home Dear Go Home, How awkward! I think the best way to handle this is to turn up your expression of enthusiasm for seeing her by about fifty percent, with lots of warmth and thoughtful hosting. Think: “I can’t wait to see you and the kids next time you’re in town! It’s always so good to see you and we have so much to catch up on! Can I make dinner for everyone? Is there anything special the kids are into these days? If so, I’ll make sure to have it around” You get the idea. Hopefully this will counteract any negative vibes that result from your adding this: “I’m not going to be able to do a sleepover this visit, but let’s get together early to make sure we get lots of time.” Catch up on this week’s Prudie. More Advice From Slate I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over three years. He has had a beard as long as I’ve known him. I have a strong preference for facial hair on men, and his beard was one of the reasons I was attracted to him when we first met. Back then, he kept it trimmed fairly short and maintained it very well. (He still shaved his neck and the beard’s edges on a daily basis.) Advice Dear Prudence