My Sister-in-Law Demanded We Give Up Our Expensive Room on Vacation. Her Reasoning Doesn’t Hold Up.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by DaYsO/Unsplash. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, My wife and her younger sister are (were?) best friends. They talked almost every day, and we got together with her and her husband several times a month. For many years, we have all celebrated each of theirs birthdays with a weekend trip to a city several hours away. The birthday gift between them is that the other couple will buy the supper one night of the couple whose wife is having the birthday. A couple of weekends ago, we celebrated my sister-in-law’s birthday. As we got closer to the hotel, my wife received a phone call from the hotel. We had booked an “upper floor two queen beds suite,” and a family with kids mistakenly booked a king suite—the hotel was wondering if we would be willing to switch rooms. My wife agreed (the only reason we like rooms with two beds is we use the other bed to lay out or suitcases on). When my wife and I got to our room, it was spectacular! It was on the top floor (16th), and the front of the hotel bowed out so we had a larger room with full length windows that overlooked the city. There was a huge bathroom with a walk-in shower and a jetted tub. We unpacked some stuff and met her sister and husband in the lobby to leave for supper which, as per tradition, we paid for. Then we all met back in our room to play cards and have drinks. As night fell, the view was breathtaking with the view of the lights downtown. The next day, my sister-in-law asked my wife if she would trade rooms. She wanted our room (with the extra amenities and the view) as her “birthday present.” My wife said we already bought your present (supper the night before), and there was no way we were going to give up that room (which we paid a premium for) to stay in a standard room on the third floor. My sister-in-law was somewhat “indifferent” to us the rest of the day. Then she said she felt under the weather and was turning in early, so there were no cards or drinks with them that night. Now back home, my sister-in-law is giving my wife the cold shoulder. She’s not calling her, and my wife’s phone calls are answered with short, one word-answers. We had plans to see a movie, and her sister called and cancelled. There has been no getting together like we used to. My wife is upset. My sister-in-law is obviously upset because we didn’t give her our room as her birthday present. Should we have given her the room? Should we apologize? We are both at about the same income level, so they could afford to pay the price difference to get an upper floor suite, but of course there would be no guarantee they would have gotten this particular room and view. —Hotel Room Grudge Dear Hotel Room Grudge, No one likes getting the cold shoulder, but if your sister-in -aw is feeling that salty about not getting the room, it’s her responsibility to bring it up. Right now, you and your wife are just guessing about why she’s upset, and who knows, it could be totally unrelated. It’s probably safe to assume she’s upset about the room thing, but she might also be trying to process why she’s so angry about it and figure out the best way to communicate that to you. Either way, you didn’t do anything egregious here. If your wife wants to extend an olive branch, she can reach out, but she should keep the conversation focused strictly on the problem and how they can solve it. Something like, “Hey, I can’t help but notice you’ve been quiet since the room situation. Do you want to talk about it?” Then, your wife can hear her out in an active listening kind of way so that, from there, the two of them can find a solution together. For example, on the next trip, maybe they room together and splurge on their own luxury suite. But your sister-in-law might just need some space to be heard and let your wife know how she felt in the moment. If your wife still gets one-word answers, then the best move is to step back and let your sister-in-law figure it out. A bougie hotel room isn’t worth a big fight with your best friend/sister. But that might be a lesson she has to learn on her own. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, My husband is a mechanic, and he bonded with my dad by helping him maintain his battered 1950s muscle car. When my dad died (more than 30 years ago), he left my husband his car along with a few other bequests to other family members but very little else. My husband and I were the only members of my family who were well-situated and living in our hometown at the time, so we ended up buying my parents’ home from my mom so she could downscale and retire. At the time, my sister and two brothers were all living some distance away and happy with the arrangement. In the years since, my husband has completely renovated the house and has obsessively fixed up the car using only original parts. We are now looking to downsize and retire, so we are selling the house, car, and various other assets. The problems started when my siblings got wind of just how much these things are now worth, with the car being a particular bone of contention. It’s a LOT of money, and my oldest brother is angrily demanding “his” share of the two sales. My husband points out that the car is his and that most of the value in both it and house is a result of his efforts. But my brother is having none of it and is throwing the mother of all hissy fits. What makes the problem worse is that all of my family have always talked down to my husband because they are highly educated professionals while he left school at 16 to work as an apprentice. This has somehow been made worse by the fact that he then built up a massive business and was considerably more successful than any of them. The dispute, if you can call it that, is dragging up a lot of ill feeling and jealousy built up over many years. My husband has made it very clear to me that he has had enough and wants to cut ties completely. I feel stuck because I don’t want the man I love to be treated this way or to feel that I do not support him unreservedly, nor do I wish to spend energy on coping with my brother’s ridiculous behavior. But I really don’t want to cut ties with my family. The world’s lonely enough. Is there some way out of this where I can honor the truth and my feelings? Or am I just being a fool? —Don’t Make Me Choose Dear Don’t Make Me Choose, Your brother keeps bringing up “his share,” but if your husband inherited the car and the two of you purchased the house….it doesn’t sound like he’s entitled to anything, unless there was some provision in the will that everyone forgot about for the past three decades. It sounds like the issue is that your husband added massive value to both of those assets through decades of sweat equity—that’s the kind of labor your highly educated professional siblings might not take seriously. But it doesn’t make them automatically entitled to money. You feel stuck because you don’t want to choose between the man you love and the family you grew up with, but by demanding money and treating your husband with contempt, your siblings are the ones putting you in this awkward position. You’re certainly not a fool for wanting to keep touch with your family, but remaining neutral doesn’t seem to be an option, either. If you agree with your husband and see that your siblings are being unreasonable, you need to give them a firm “no.” To be clear, that “no” should come from you, so they know the two of you are on the same team. Something like, “The car was dad’s gift to my husband. The house was our purchase. Your demands are unreasonable, and I won’t have the conversation anymore.” If your siblings decide to cut ties because you don’t give them a windfall of cash, they’re the ones ending the relationship, not you. The world is indeed lonely, but keeping people in your life who resent your success and badger you for money sounds pretty lonely, too. —Kristin More Advice From Slate I have two daughters, 27-year-old “Lilah” and 20-year-old “Lisa.” Lilah dated “Andrew,” 29, for four years. She was gutted when he broke up with her last year. Lisa recently confessed that she ran into Andrew at a bar, they reconnected, and they’re falling in love. Lisa wants help telling Lilah about their romance. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Personal Finance Travel