My Sibling’s Ex Is Spreading Some Nasty Rumors About Them. The People in Our Lives Want Answers.

Care and Feeding I don’t believe these allegations. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Cunaplus_M.Faba/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, After about three decades with their spouse, my sibling is going through a divorce. The two of them got together quite young, and we always treated my in-law like family. I was very, very close to them for a long time. That said, my in-law has a long history of falling out with almost everyone in their personal and professional life. In every story they tell, they are the target of some narcissistic or just plain mean person. Over the years, the things they took offense to became increasingly bizarre and detached from reality, and they have absolutely no capacity to move on from even the slightest perceived slight. This contributed heavily to their marriage’s downfall. Eventually, I also put more emotional distance between us, even though we still spent a lot of time together because my sibling and I move in the same social and professional circles. I had hoped that even though they were divorcing, we could maintain a good relationship for the sake of their kids, but my in-law has ignored every outreach I have made. Unfortunately, as in their other failed relationships, my in-law has created a narrative wherein my sibling is an abusive, narcissistic cheater. They regularly post these allegations on social media, where all of our mutual friends and their kids can see. It is impossible to prove, but I have never seen any evidence that remotely supports these allegations, and I do not believe them to be true. My sibling is dealing with this on the legal side, but my question is: How should I handle it with our mutual friends and their children? I have no interest in disparaging my troubled in-law, but I also know that people are confused and worried about these allegations and want an explanation. How does one handle something like this with grace? —Wanting to Do the Right Thing Dear Wanting, The way to handle this with grace is not to wade into it unbidden. That is, if a friend contacts you and says, “I’m confused and worried. I want an explanation,” you might say, “I wish this divorce were amicable. I’m worried too! You know how close I always was with my in-law, and I hate to see them expressing their pain and sadness in this way. It’s an awful business, isn’t it?” And I would leave it at that. If someone directly asks you whether there was cheating or abuse, you can say what is true—and you can say it with great sadness (which you actually feel): “I do not believe there was.” But if you only “know” (assume, guess, or can’t imagine otherwise) that the friends you have in common with your sibling’s ex are seeking answers, keep your own counsel. Jumping into this morass to defend your sibling’s honor will not make things better. I’m aware of how hard it is to stand by quietly when someone you love is being defamed, but I’ve never known of a single situation in which this was happening when diving in, in an attempt to save the day, was helpful. Offer your support, your listening ear, your shoulder to cry on, your loving presence—whatever your sibling needs from you. And go ahead and speak when spoken to by others. Quietly and briefly. Leave it at that. This will not go on forever. Although it feels like an emergency right now, it is not. Responding to non-emergencies as if they were emergencies has a way of amping up our own distress and anxiety. Don’t make this harder on yourself than it has to be. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, This is a fairly low-stakes question, but the first of its kind in my parenting career. Our middle son tested into his school’s talented and gifted (TAG) program at the end of his kindergarten year. Great news! And honestly, a little surprising. He’s a bright kid, but he cares to learn about the things he cares to learn about (for example, he knew all the dinosaurs at three, but every color was “green”). Fast-forward to his first-grade year. He hates going to TAG. He feels like all the kids know more than he does; he hasn’t made any friends there—the works. I reached out to his TAG teacher, and she was very receptive and went out of her way to make sure he felt comfortable. A month or so went by, and I felt like we were rocking and rolling. Until tonight, when he came to me in tears. He still hates it. So here’s my dilemma. I don’t care if he’s in the program. His older sister is in it, and she loves it (that’s great for her, but who cares about it, really?). But if I let him quit, am I teaching him that it’s OK to quit hard things? Do I make him slog through something he finds miserable? Am I making a much bigger deal about this than it needs to be? Perhaps. But this also feels like a pivotal learning moment. What say you? —Am I Screwing My Kid Up? Dear Screwing My Kid Up, I don’t think that letting a 6-year-old leave a program where he’s miserable to return to one where he wasn’t is teaching him that it’s OK to quit hard things. I think it’s teaching him that it’s OK to quit things that make him miserable. Everyone (at every age) should have this information in their pocket. I’m curious, though, about how the switch was handled in the first place. Did you tell him as soon as the offer was extended? Did you pose it as a question, framed as a compliment and an honor, or did you announce it as a fait accompli? (Even a kid fresh out of kindergarten deserves to have a voice in a decision like this one, even if his parents decide, for his sake, to overrule him.) Was he excited about it, then disappointed when it wasn’t what he’d imagined? Did he dread it, and then his worst fears were confirmed? I ask these questions because I think it’s worth including him in the decision you’re about to make, and because the conversation you have with him now should have a foundation in the one you had with him before (or—if you never discussed it with him—a foundation in your sincerely expressed regret that you didn’t). For what it’s worth, I think talented and gifted programs are terrific for kids who want to be in them and thrive in them (your daughter, for example). They’re not for everybody, and I’m not talking about how school-smart—or “talented” or “gifted” (words that have always struck me as disingenuous when talking about test scores)—a particular kid is, but about a kid’s temperament, style, inclination, and needs. Plus: It’s good for all the kids in any given class when a range of talents, gifts, abilities, interests, and smartness-as-defined-by-a-standardized-test are in class together. So if TAG is not for him, if he’ll be happier in another classroom, my vote is for letting him leave the program. (You’d be teaching him then that his happiness and well-being and what he is comfortable with and wants for himself are what matter most to you, which is something I wish every child knew about their parents.) Finally: A kindergartener who knows the name of every dinosaur but calls every color green sounds delightful. He’s paying close attention to what matters to him and enthusiastically learning it. This trait will come in handy a dozen or so years from now. Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources? Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, My wife, “Sienna,” has been under a great deal of stress at work lately, so I decided to arrange a romantic weekend for just the two of us. Last Friday, I had my parents pick up our two kids (ages 2 and 4) from daycare so Sienna and I could go out to dinner. Then I revealed the surprise: I told her my parents were going to bring the kids back on Sunday afternoon so we could spend the weekend in bed together. Instead of being pleased, Sienna was angry and actually made me drive over an hour to my parents’ place and pick the kids up that night. Where did I go wrong? —Seriously, WTF? Dear WTF, This was not a gift for Sienna; it was a gift for you. You didn’t ask her if a weekend in bed with you was just what the doctor ordered, and I cannot imagine she said—or felt—during a period of extreme stress at work, “Oh, man, what would really help is a sexy weekend with you, honey! That would make everything better.” You also never asked if she longed for—and again, I’m pretty sure she never volunteered she wanted—a weekend without her two very young children. It sounds like you also never asked her how she felt about them staying with your parents. I’m sorry to break it to you, but it’s way more likely that what Sienna has been longing for is a little break from having to cater to others’—including your—needs and wishes. A really nice surprise for her might have been a weekend during which you took over all the chores—the ones you usually do plus all the ones she does—plus offered to take the kids to the park or the zoo for a couple of hours so that she had some quiet time alone at home, plus another few hours when you stayed home with the kids while she went out for a massage, a pedicure, to meet up with a friend she never has time to see, or to do anything else she feels like doing. Then maybe you could’ve suggested some family time—just you, her, and the kids—doing something fun and relaxing together. What would be even nicer would be if you asked her what you could do for her, and what her idea of a terrific weekend would be, and then made it happen. But you weren’t thinking about what she needed or wanted, were you? That’s why she got angry. Do better next time. —Michelle More Advice From Slate When my oldest was born, my father told me one of his biggest parenting regrets was not assigning regular chores to me and my siblings. I took this advice to heart with my three wonderful boys, now aged 16, 14, and 11. Since the boys were little, they’ve had some form of daily cleaning responsibility, starting with a “10-minute tidy” with us every evening and, as they got older and ostensibly more responsible, additional age-appropriate chores… Advice Family Kids Parenting