My Mother-in-Law’s Pushiness Put My Baby in the ICU. I Can’t Believe What My Family Wants Me to Do Now.

Dear Prudence They cannot be serious. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Aug 22, 20268:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Mykola Melnychuk/iStock/Getty Images Plus and NataliaDeriabina/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, My mother-in-law, “Heather,” was always pushy. My husband didn’t hesitate to tell her to knock it off, or end a visit if she overstepped. Well, a few years ago, our son “Oscar” was born. I reminded her: no kissing the baby. That was the beginning of our nightmare. The first thing Heather did when she held Oscar was kiss all over his face. My husband booted her out immediately. She had oral herpes like a lot of adults. She gave it to him, and he got seriously ill, which was terrifying and I’m still so angry about it. Oscar was hospitalized and faces some permanent health effects. She apologized when he was in the hospital. We accepted the apology, but still held firm that Heather wasn’t safe and wouldn’t see me or Oscar again. We’ve since had another child, who she will never meet. My husband helped his siblings move Heather into a local nursing home, and deals with a lot of the logistics. He also visits 3-4 times a year. She continues to claim we overreacted and exaggerated Oscar’s illness. Somehow, she’s gotten family to believe this. Now that Heather is in a nursing home, my SIL and other family frequently reach out or mention it when I see them at events. They claim that I’ve estranged my husband from his mother. He’s actively managing a lot of her care, and chose his contact level, not me. They claim I’m cruelly cutting the kids off from their grandmother. They claim she’s a frail little old lady without much time left. They don’t do this in front of my husband (he shuts it down hard) but they do whenever they catch me alone. I’ve tried aggressive subject changes, I’ve tried “she put my baby in the ICU,” I’ve tried “no!” and walking away. It doesn’t seem to work. What else can I do? I block/ignore texts, but I do see these people around town and can’t permanently avoid them. —She Crossed an Uncrossable Line Dear Uncrossable Line, I can understand why you’re so angry, especially because Oscar is dealing with ongoing health issues as a result of your MIL’s carelessness. And while this is something that I think is possible for you to heal from and forgive (but not forget), there’s no way for that to happen while people are constantly antagonizing you and reopening the wound. This is where your husband comes in. I’m glad to hear that he’s shutting down his relative’s comments when he’s present for them, but you should ask him to do more. He needs to make a crystal-clear announcement that no none is to raise this issue with you ever again—at family events, over text, or in the streets—and if anyone does, the family will have to step back from gatherings to protect your mental health. Since their insistence that you forgive your MIL is seemingly rooted in a desire for family harmony and connectedness, I’m hopeful that this will be the motivation they need to keep their unwanted opinions to themselves. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I love my mother, but we had a difficult relationship growing up. She was obsessive and prone to outbursts, so I constantly walked on eggshells and moved as far away from her as I could the minute I turned 18. I just turned 28 and our relationship is good, with one exception: She’s obsessed with rehashing the past with me. She will call me unprompted to cry about the regrets she has from when I was young. Anytime we visit, she is hyper focused on me and her going out privately to spend 3+ hours of her crying and rehashing the worst moments of my childhood. Nothing can dissuade her from this, (like I said, obsessive) not myself, or my dad, or me being very clearly busy when we’re in town. I’ve been in therapy for years, I have a wife who I love, and I’m happy, I don’t want to spend endless hours going over the details of the time she locked all the car doors and screamed at me in the school parking lot for 45 minutes, or had a sobbing meltdown on the front lawn because I was selling some of my old books at the community yard sale. I actually enjoy spending time with her when others are around and we can focus on the present, but all she wants to do is cry over the past. She takes it personally when I say I don’t want to, and is not interested in my suggestions of discussing this with her therapist or pastor or anyone other than me. We’re seeing them in two weeks, and I’m dreading the inevitable attempts to corner me alone to absolve her of her past sins. If she found peace after it, that would be one thing, but it’s a never-ending cycle! What can I do to avoid this carousel of misery when I’m supposed to be on vacation? —Moving Forward, Dragged Dear Moving Forward, It’s ironic that your mom obviously feels awful about the way she treated you when you were growing up, as she’s essentially repeating the same behavior now. And I imagine that after a childhood spent walking on eggshells, the fact that she “takes it personally” when you say you don’t want to have these upsetting conversations probably feels catastrophic. I think the difficult thing you’ll have to do is to try to put this into perspective—to retrain yourself to believe that your mom may be upset, but that is not the end of the world. This isn’t your childhood. Today, you’re both adults who are safe and OK and her negative feelings (or even meltdowns) don’t change that and don’t have to make you as distressed as they did when you were totally reliant on her. I know that that is easier said than done, and it’s actually something I’m working on myself—I have a running joke with my therapist about her allegation that someone I love being mildly upset or struggling in any way is not the exact same level of seriousness as their dropping dead in front of me (I haven’t seen the proof! Or at least my nervous system hasn’t). But you can start by acting as if you believe this, and recruiting your wife to remind you of it if you start to unravel over your mom’s distress. Before you visit, deliver this script: “Mom, I really enjoy spending time with you when we’re focused on the present, but I don’t want to discuss the difficult parts of the past any more. If you have things you need to say to me, could you write them out in a letter so I can read them when I feel ready emotionally?” Then when you’re there, if she launches into her normal, distressing walk down memory lane, say “Please put it in the letter!” and change the subject. Identify a good coffee shop or scenic overlook or wine bar and agree with your wife that if things become unmanageable, you’ll get in the car and go there for a break. You really can’t stop your mom from doing the same thing she’s always done, but you don’t have to be there for it. Dear Prudence, My in-laws are pigs! I dread their visits because they always leave the bathroom looking like one in a truck stop—urine on the floor; toilet more often than not left unflushed; pieces of garbage scattered; boogers wiped on the mirror, etc. My requests to my husband to talk to his parents about behaving like they’re in civilization have been met with the excuse that he doesn’t want to “embarrass” them. Well, guess who has to clean the bathroom? Spoiler: not him! Can I ban these slobs from my home? —Not the Maid Dear Not the Maid, I ran your letter through a fact checking tool I have (in my brain) and came out with a really interesting result: It turns out that yes, your husband does actually have to clean the bathroom, especially when his parents have put boogers everywhere and he refuses to address it. He absolutely has to. It is his job if he doesn’t want the slobs banned. Let him know! Catch up on this week’s Prudie. More Advice From Slate I’ve been happily married for more than 10 years to a great woman, and we have two amazing kids. I still find my wife very attractive, and I enjoy our intimate sessions. There’s one thing that I don’t know how to address. My wife works out frequently and has a great body for a mom of two. However, she has a significant amount of cellulite in her thighs, mostly in the back and some on her buttocks. I know she’s got an issue with it. If she’s undressing in front of me or is in the bathroom naked, she always turns to make sure I’m not seeing her thighs. When swimming she wears a towel and takes it off just before she enters the water. We have never discussed this in all our years together. Her thighs are a bit of a turnoff, but not a deal killer. We can afford treatment to remove the cellulite, but I’m unsure how to best approach this option or create a space for her to come to the conclusion on her own. Or should I just ignore it? Advice Dear Prudence