‘My husband and I lost weight together – but he’s put it back on and I’m losing attraction’

Dear Roe,I am 36 years old. I met my husband online in 2018. When we met we were both overweight and, when we started getting serious, we started focusing on getting healthy together. We joined a weight-loss class and a gym, and started hiking and did the odd walking holiday and generally became that annoying “fit” couple. When we got married in 2022, we had lost a combined eight stone. Since then, I’ve kept the weight off. I love being fit and healthy and we had started talking about getting pregnant. But since the wedding, my husband has put all the weight back on. I do 90 per cent of the cooking but he snacks late at night. I try to encourage him to get back to the gym but it’s as if he could not be bothered. I feel like a nag. I love him so much but finding it really hard to be attracted to and passionate with him in the last year. He gets really down whenever I bring it up. How do I talk to him about this? I know this sounds vain, but I want us to grow old together and enjoy life as we age. I want us to be active parents. I’ve tried being encouraging and asking him to go to the gym with me but nothing seems to work and I am really sad and worried about our future.I want you to remember life before you lost weight; I want you to remember how you felt in your body, your awareness of your body, whether anyone ever made comments about it, even the early conversations you had with your partner about wanting to get more active and to lose weight. At any point during that time were you unaware of your weight? At any point during that time did you need someone else to tell you about your weight? At any point during that time would someone continuing to criticise your eating habits even when it obviously made you feel sad and bad about yourself have felt like an act of love?Your husband is experiencing the reality of diet culture: most people who lose a lot of weight over a relatively short period of time end up putting it back on. That’s not a moral failing, or a judgment of his character – that’s the nature of dieting. If diets and weight-loss journeys worked instantly for people, everyone would go through one diet in their lifetime and be lithe and slender evermore. It would be easy, the results of the diet would be lifelong, and the lucrative weight-loss industry – including the booming GLP-1 market – would collapse.READ MOREBut that’s not how it works. Many people spend their entire lives losing some weight then gaining it back, feeling bad about themselves all the time. If you are happier now in your body and lifestyle, I am genuinely happy for you. I know it must have been a huge amount of work, and I understand that, for you, there has been a mindset shift and lifestyle change that has become very important to you.[ Since I had a baby, my cheating partner calls me fat and disgustingOpens in new window ]But I do want to caution you against believing that because you have been able to maintain the weight loss, your husband is somehow lesser or doing something wrong for not having been able to. He’s not. He is like everyone else who has tried a diet and gained it back. He’s like you were a few years ago – and just like you then, he needs love and acceptance, not judgment or pressure. Consider, if you gained back the weight you lost, what type of kindness you would want – and how hurtful and damaging it would be if you felt your husband’s love for you was conditional. If you’re planning on getting pregnant, it is likely your body will change – how do you want to feel loved during those changes?I actually wonder whether the extremity of the weight loss and lifestyle shift you both undertook is part of the problem. Becoming the “annoying fit couple”, becoming preoccupied with healthy food, spending a huge amount of leisure time exercising, and being very invested in having a particular body type actually demands a lot of focus on food and the body. When someone starts gaining weight back, or goes through a stressful or low period and might have some old comfort-eating habits resurface, that obsessive focus on food can actually tip the scales the other way, bringing up a desire to eat; shame about the body; and a sense that returning to that hyper-fit lifestyle is an insurmountable demand. For many people who lose then regain weight, there can also be shame and a sense of futility, fearing that they could again put in a huge amount of work only to see it undone a while later.Add in a partner who makes him feel like love and attraction are conditional on his weight, and you can see how all this focus on body and weight may actually be hurting, not helping.I want you to examine what feelings his weight gain is bringing up in you that may be heightening your response. Is any of the judgment you’re feeling towards him a judgment of your heavier self, or rooted in fear that you too could put the weight back on?[ I hate my girlfriend’s weight gain – and she hates my comments about itOpens in new window ]If you want to talk to your husband, talk about his feelings, not his body. Tell him that you feel sad that this lifestyle journey you embarked on together now feels like a divide between you, and you would like to address that, not to pressure him, but so you can both understand where the other is. Tell him that you’re sorry if you’ve contributed to him feeling put down about his body. Tell him that you would like to understand what has been going for him around his body over the past while; how he feels about it; how his mental health is; and what would feel supportive right now.He may say he does want support around getting back to some healthier habits; he may say he wants to drop the topic for a while and just feel loved and supported. He may say that the lifestyle switch was too extreme for him and he doesn’t know how to eat and exercise moderately in a relationship where it’s historically been all-or-nothing, and that is something you need to work on. It can also be hard to exercise or speak about diet with someone who is at a very different fitness level, so maybe if he wants to get fitter again, he would be more comfortable going to classes or the gym on his own or with a trainer for a while, rather than with you. Where are spaces outside of fitness that you can reconnect with each other and bring some romance and appreciation back to the relationship?When you do speak of your desire, speak of it in terms of how much you love him, and your vision of the future – of both of you being healthy, connected, enjoying life together. But don’t forget that many people of average and heavier weights also enjoy life immensely. Be aware of when you’re equating only one type of lifestyle with happiness and connection.You can ultimately decide that you want to be with someone who shares the same values around fitness and lifestyle as you. But remember that life is long, bodies change and grace is important.