My Fiancé Can Have a Jealous Side. He’s Really Not Going to Like Hearing About My New Colleague.

Dear Prudence Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Thinkstock. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here. Dear Prudence, Ten years ago, I had an affair with a co-worker, “Amir.” My marriage at the time eventually dissolved for unrelated reasons; his did not. I am now engaged, and I deeply regret my actions of a decade ago. My fiancé has trust issues because his ex tried to convince him he was the father of someone else’s baby. He had to get an official paternity test, and she slandered his name all over town. I have been honest about my past infidelity, and we are in couples’ counseling. But now I have a problem. A recent promotion puts me back in direct contact with Amir. He is a city away, but we will be speaking regularly. So far everything has been above-board, but my fiancé does not know Amir was the man I cheated with, and our counselor has said it would be counterproductive to dwell on the past, but I still feel guilty. I can’t leave my position without jeopardizing my career, and it will be at least a year before I can make a lateral move into another department. My fiancé has trouble with jealousy and reacted negatively when my ex-husband invited us to his engagement party. I don’t want to undo the progress we have made, but I don’t want to lie. I feel like Pandora here. So do I open up the box or let it sit? —Past Love Affair Dear Past Love, It may help you to speak to your couples’ counselor individually and talk through the pros and cons of speaking up versus keeping this information to yourself. I don’t think you’re under any obligation to reveal that you’re (remotely) working with Amir again to your fiancé, given that you have never cheated on said fiancé and haven’t had any contact with Amir for a decade. You haven’t noticed any old feelings returning, Amir himself has behaved professionally, the two of you won’t be in the same room—there’s not really any new information that your fiancé needs to know about. The only reason to tell him would be that you believe you deserve to be eternally punished for a decade-old affair. I think the more important thing to do is continue to work with your counselor and make sure you don’t let the fact that your fiancé was hurt in the past justify any attempts to control or monitor you today. Continue behaving professionally toward Amir at work and don’t try to dredge up the past, when the past seems perfectly content to leave you alone. —Danny M. Lavery From: I’m Working With My Ex-Lover. Should I Tell My Fiancé? (August 2nd, 2018). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, My wife is a second-generation immigrant. Half of her family was murdered before she was born. She wanted to make sure our daughters had a connection to their past, so she named them after her dead aunts. My family history is as exciting as white bread. It was an honor to give my daughters a name with real meaning. We always have insisted that our girls are addressed by their actual names, not their Americanized forms, unless and until the girls are old enough to ask for an alternate pronunciation. My mother’s fiancé refuses to do so, no matter our explanations or requests. Apparently “Katie” is so much easier than “Kaja.” I don’t like this guy, but he seems to make my mother happy. I kept my peace until my older daughter got upset at him for saying her name wrong. He replied, “Katie is American, and I like it better that way.” My wife called him out, and it devolved into a shouting match. We left, and my daughter tearfully asked if this was her fault and if her “name was bad.” We are not going to get an apology from my mother’s fiancé. My wife refuses to let our girls go over to my mother’s unless he is not there. My mother refuses to agree to that arrangement but still complains she doesn’t see her grandchildren. According to her, Katie “is just a nickname,” and we are being unreasonable; she hangs up on me when I ask her why, then, is it so hard for her lover to call my girls by their given name? I don’t want to cause a rift in my family, but I agree with my wife: This isn’t about nicknames, it is about control and respect. I love my mother. How do I get this across to her? —Mom’s New Boyfriend Renaming My Kids Dear Renaming, Start calling your mother’s fiancé by a name that begins with the same letter as his, but otherwise bears no relationship to the name he’s gone by all her life—let’s say “Lemuel” if he goes by “Luke.” If your mother insists on throwing her weight behind him, do the same with her—“Morganicus” for “Mary.” That may be better left as a last resort, but I don’t think you’re the one causing the rift in your family, and it’s absolutely ridiculous—and frankly racist—for your mother’s fiancé to insist on renaming a child according to his own whims because he doesn’t like being reminded of her ethnic heritage. If he can’t respect your children enough to call them by their names, then he can’t see them. If your mother can’t either, then neither can she. You’re making a very low-impact and basic request. Don’t let your mother reframe the issue. Remind her that she has options: “You know that we’d love for you to see the girls, and as soon as you’re willing to stop changing their names against their will to sound white, we’d love to set up a day to get together. When are you ready to stop renaming them?” —D.M.L. From: Help! My Mother’s Fiancé Insists on Americanizing My Daughter’s Name. (August 1st, 2018). Dear Prudence, My fiancé and I are in a long-distance relationship, about two and a half hours apart. I do the majority of driving back and forth so we can see each other every weekend, leaving on Friday after work and then driving back on Mondays at 5:30 a.m. This weekend I will be with him Friday–Sunday, then leave for a work conference about 40 minutes away from his home Sunday–Wednesday, where my work is paying for me to stay at the conference hotel. He was initially mad that I wasn’t staying with him instead, but as a compromise I am skipping the conference social event Monday night for a date with him. I am, however, attending Tuesday night’s event. I didn’t think to invite my fiancé as a plus one, because it’s a statewide work conference on a weekday—how many people will have their partners with them if most people are from out of town? Now he is unhappy about not being invited. I don’t mind if he would like to come, but was I wrong not to include him? —+1 Arguments Dear +1, He’s being ridiculous, and I’m not at all sure that skipping the conference social event was a great idea; usually, if your company is sending you to a work conference, they expect you to do everything, even the wine-and-cheese mixers and trust-fall exercises. He knew you were there for work, these are not evenings he would generally be able to spend with you, and by all accounts you are the person who has been doing the heavy lifting on the long-distance driving in the first place. I would explain, politely but firmly, that you have greatly enjoyed your weekend together, but that Monday–Wednesday is a work trip for you, not a personal trip for both of you, and that it would not be appropriate to cross the streams. I’m happy to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he’s just excited to see more of you and disappointed that the work portion of your trip is about, well, work, but if he continues making a fuss, I would firm up my recommendations accordingly. Under no circumstances should you agree to bring him to your Tuesday event, regardless. —D.M.L From: Help! My Fiancée Is Crushing on Her “Work Spouse.” (August 7th, 2018). Classic Prudie “Ellen” and I have been friends for years. This summer, her 12-year-old son, “Ryan,” declared he was madly in love with my 14-year-old daughter, “Kate.” We joked about crushes and puppy love. My daughter didn’t reciprocate, but I asked her to let him down gently. The problem is that Ryan refuses to accept it. 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