My Daughter Is Bringing Home Her College Boyfriend for Thanksgiving. He Already Has the Gall to Make Demands.

Care and Feeding There will be no “compromise.” Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My daughter “Victoria” is coming home from college for Thanksgiving and bringing her boyfriend, “Martin.” Victoria has informed us that Martin is a strict vegan and says he wants us to make the entire meal vegan. That is a non-starter for me. As far as I’m concerned, Martin is welcome to bring some of his special foods himself or eat things we’re serving that meet his standards. My wife suggested a good compromise would be to make an all-vegan menu for him, but I don’t think it’s fair for us to have to shell out twice the effort. Am I correct in my position? If I were going to be a guest at someone’s Thanksgiving, I would never dream of making such a request of my hosts. —Two Turkeys at Thanksgiving Dear Two Turkeys at Thanksgiving, Look, asking for an entirely vegan meal is a bit fussy and certainly short-sighted when it comes to making a good first impression. But we’re talking about college students here—I’d give the boyfriend some grace. Maybe your daughter didn’t relay the facts correctly! I could see a college kid asking something like, “If I come home with you, will there be anything for me to eat? I want to have a good Thanksgiving, too,” and it being relayed a lot differently. Or maybe he’s just discovered his newfound veganism and hasn’t yet learned the social norms of what is and isn’t a reasonable ask. But here’s the thing: If this were a friend or acquaintance attending a casual event or party at your home and there were no vegan foods, that’s fine. They’d probably expect that and would prepare accordingly. But this is someone special to your daughter. Treating him with kindness and respect will do a lot for your relationship with her. And while there’s certainly no need to make an all-vegan menu and not serve the food the majority of your guests are looking forward to, it’s really not that hard to make small portions of some of the dishes in a vegan form so he has some food, too. That’s not unreasonable for a special guest coming to your home for a once-a-year occasion. When my brother and his wife first started dating in college, she was vegan. (She’s now vegetarian.) My meat-eating family did not know what to do when she visited with him over Thanksgiving! But you know what? Everyone tried. Every person in our family who hosted a dinner or other event that weekend tried their best to have some dishes she could eat. Some meals were a fail (for example, people added cheese and dairy, not realizing it wasn’t vegan), but by Christmas break, as a family, we had it down. And she was appreciative all the same because she saw we appreciated her and wanted her to feel welcome. That’s actually what this is about. So when you’re making your casseroles or veggie side dishes, just make a small vegan pan, be a good host, and avoid embarrassing your daughter. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, I need help figuring out what the best and most supportive response would be to a situation I know I’ll soon be in. I have an almost 3-year-old and am new mom friends with “Luna,” who has a 3-and-a-half-year-old. He definitely has autism or something along those lines, but she doesn’t think so yet. She has commented about getting him speech therapy and how it is hard not to compare him to other kids and their milestones. However, she will immediately say she’s not concerned because every kid develops at their own pace. I know there will be a time soon when she finally gets him evaluated and will realize the life she thought she would have with her son will look different than expected. When we do have this conversation, how should I respond? I obviously don’t want to say “I’m sorry” since he’s a wonderful, unique child and there’s nothing to be sorry for, but she will probably grieve for the milestones she thought she would have with him. I don’t want to say, “Good, that’s great, there are so many resources now!” because that can sound like I’m not being supportive of how hard raising an atypical child can be. How can I respond in the best way to help her during these conversations without coming across as saying I feel bad for her and her child or, on the flip side, diminishing the difficulty of this situation? —Want to Get This Right (she/her) Dear Want to Get This Right, I’m so glad you asked this question. I think it’s one my friends have struggled with in trying to support me as a mom of a kid with a disability. What I have found is that the friends I feel most comfortable talking to—truthfully, without pretending—let me guide where I want those kinds of conversations to go. This is true even when they start them. I’ll give you a really good example. My son was unexpectedly in the hospital this spring. What I thought would be a trip to the emergency room to just check on things ended up culminating in a weeklong stay and a new diagnosis. I was a mess. When my friends called me to check on me (because I was too confused and lost to reach out to them), sure, they asked probing questions like, “Have you eaten? Can I make sure you get some food?” But if I was sad and on the brink of tears, they let me cry and talk about how scared I was. They didn’t try to push positivity on me or a bunch of “look on the bright side” kind of niceties, knowing that’s not where my head was at. Then, when I really needed a laugh and sent them funny stories about what was happening in the hospital, they sent me jokes, and we talked about silly Netflix shows. Most of all, your friends just want to know that you care, that you don’t judge them or think they’re a bad parent, and that they aren’t an inconvenience to you. So, if you don’t know what to say, it’s always OK to just simply say: “How can I be there for you right now?” That doesn’t mean you’re assuming she’s in despair, making light of it, or feeling sorry for her. You’re letting her know that you’re there and you have her back. She’ll understand. Ever Gotten a Call From Human Resources? Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to hear about it—and help you navigate your problems at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here! Dear Care and Feeding, What’s up with reading logs? My second-grader started coming home with a worksheet he’s supposed to fill out each night with the title of a book and how many minutes he read it for, and he’s supposed to read for at least 20 minutes. Here’s the thing: He loves reading and hates homework. Over my dead body are we turning reading into a dreaded chore. I wrote the teacher (nicely) asking to opt out, and she said that was fine. But what the hell? Are there really kids who benefit from setting a stopwatch to their reading? Or is this part of how we’re creating generations of non-readers? —Read for Joy, Not for Homework (she/her) Dear Read for Joy Not for Homework, Your second-grader’s teacher let him opt out of homework. But she truly did not have to do that. It’s standard to start grade-appropriate homework around first grade. And while the longstanding debate around homework doesn’t seem to be going anywhere—teachers and parents especially don’t seem to agree on how much is too much—most schools still stick to a 10-minute rule: 10 minutes for every grade. So, that would leave 20 minutes of reading for a second-grader right at the recommended time length. Yes, some kids might really need a time estimate or assignment to make sure they’re reading enough. Everyone isn’t a voracious reader (there’s so much discourse about the “literacy crisis” for a reason!) and might benefit from guidelines and encouragement. As far as your own approach as a parent, it’s OK that you don’t want to formally log your son’s reading, but if his teacher next year isn’t so amenable to this kind of request, you should accept that decision. Homework is for everyone and usually isn’t optional. And you can keep reading fun in your home. It’s up to you to think about how to talk with your kid as he ages about reading, encouraging him to read more than just what might be required for school. But it’s not unreasonable at all to set standards for students. After all, that’s what teachers are supposed to do. —Arionne More Advice From Slate My family and I moved to a new town last summer. The next-door neighbor kids made quick friends with my 6-year-old son. The 11-year-old, “Riley,” plays with my son almost every day after school. The problem is that the two of them don’t always get along. My son can be bossy and controlling, and they fight when they can’t agree on what to play… Advice Family Kids Parenting