My Daughter Asks Me What I Think of Her Clothes. When I Answer, She Enters a Rage.

Care and Feeding Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by master1305/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so today we’re diving into the archives of Care and Feeding to share classic parenting letters with our readers. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, My 14-year-old daughter is a ninth grader at a private school she attends on a significant financial scholarship. She’s done well there and has made friends, participated in activities, and maintained honor-roll grades. My daughter is smart and creative and athletic. And most days she dresses like she’s going to a nightclub. Her preferred outfits are cropped tank tops or halters, short shorts, high heels, bare midriffs or backs or shoulders, exposed bra straps. Please give me some advice on balancing being body positive, feminist, and encouraging her to find her own sense of style with also guiding her toward appropriate clothing choices for school! I am bending over backward not to use the words my mother would certainly have used, including “trashy,” “cheap,” or God forbid, “slutty”—but when she asks my opinion (and she does most days), and I tell her that I think a particular outfit shows too much skin, isn’t appropriate for a school environment, or might be a better choice for a party, she becomes deeply offended and angry, accuses me of slut-shaming (which I am incredibly careful not to do), or tells me that everyone at her school dresses like that. (They don’t.) She will also rage that I have now ruined her enjoyment of that outfit. Usually this all happens in the half-hour or so before we need to leave for school, so on a large number of mornings we are both furious as well as late by the time we get out the door. I am really struggling with this—I truly appreciate that she is strong and confident in her body, and I have no issue with her going out with friends wearing a backless shirt, a bare midriff, a short skirt, etc. And I don’t buy into the sexist thinking surrounding most school dress codes (her school doesn’t have one). But at the end of the day, I still think she should dress for school in a respectful way—and that there’s a world of difference between how one dresses for work/school/church and beach/party/play. How do I communicate this distinction to my daughter, whose prime objective is fitting in with the (mainly extremely wealthy and status conscious) kids at her school, without her feeling like I am asking her to dress in a flour sack? —You’re Wearing That? Dear YWT, What you’re describing here is a person who is pretty sure of how she wants to present to the world, and who is not super keen to make space for other people’s opinions about it—which on balance sounds like exactly what you’d want for your kid. The fact that you don’t like it is a problem for you, not for her. She is capable over time of learning, growing, and understanding how her choice of outward presentation affects her lived experience. She may even have some insight into her own experience that you don’t have—what with having lived in her body every day of her life even without you there—so it makes sense that your input is falling on deaf ears. You need to back up. Whether you’re right or wrong here no longer matters. What does matter is that what you’re doing is not helping and is having the effect of making her feel more judged, more shamed, less safe, less trusted, and less confident in herself and her choices. Which is in fact the exact opposite of body positivity. You have told her what you think. You have told her again and again. And again. She has heard it, and is processing it, and part of that processing for her involves tuning you out. It is out of your hands at this point, and continuing to bludgeon this child with your opinion is nowhere near worth the damage it’s causing in your relationship. When she asks you what you think about her outfit, tell her you think she’s wonderful and you love her. When she asks if something shows too much skin, tell her that you probably wouldn’t wear it, but as long as she feels safe and comfortable with it, more power to her. You don’t need to fight over this. Reality will fight with her enough. Love her, support her, and let her be herself. You’ll be surprised at how quickly she grows into a responsible and clear-sighted adult if you let her do so rather than make her. —Carvell Wallace From: Dear Care and Feeding: My Smart, Independent Daughter Wears Halter Tops and Short Shorts to School. (May 8th, 2019). Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Care and Feeding, I recently got this question from my 5-year-old daughter: “Why do boys only wear a swimming underwear [she means swim trunks] but girls have to cover their breasts? Why don’t they cover their breasts, too?” And I … umm … yeah. —How Do I Explain This? Dear Explain This, I … umm … yeah is exactly right. How do you explain this? Well, I suspect that you begin. Very slowly, and very honestly. I mean, you know the reason this is the case. I know the reason this is the case. The reason is that there is an awful and inexcusable double standard rooted in the bullshit notion that a woman’s body is in its very nature primarily about sex and that we must organize our entire culture and its laws around the point of view of straight men. So, if straight men can only see breasts as representative of sex, and straight men feel that sex should be controlled—by them, ideally via law—then it follows that everyone should treat breasts as though they are something bad and keep them hidden all the time, except for when we want to use them to sell something. So why can’t your daughter know the reason this is the case? I can’t tell my 5-year-old all that, you might say, she’s too young. But here’s a thought experiment. What happens if you do actually tell your 5-year-old that? Maybe not in those exact words, but pretty honestly. Plainly. Tell her what these patriarchal double standards are. Tell her how you fight against them and why. Tell her what justice and fairness are, and how we live in a society that fails to live up to those standards in many, many ways. I’m asking a genuine question. Not a trolling one, not a rhetorical one. What will go wrong? Are we afraid that she will be too radical? That she will know too much? That she will challenge other people at inappropriate times, in inappropriate ways? Are there inappropriate times to challenge injustice? We have seen some progress from our specific methodologies of fighting for justice, but one would have to be willfully ignorant not to see the ways in which those methodologies have failed us. We are witnessing a precipitous return to systemic oppression against women, people of color, and other marginalized groups. That is happening. Clearly, the way people have been fighting against that needs some adjusting. And I can’t help but wonder how the notion of “I can’t tell my kid about systemic injustices yet” factors in. What’s behind that? Is it that we view resistance to these things as optional and dependent on circumstance? We have no problem telling our kids about crossing the street safely or being aware of the dangers of fire, earthquakes, hurricanes, even though those things are scary. Why is this different? The patriarchy is bullshit, plain and simple, if for no other reason than that it kills the visions, spirits, imagination, and freedom of children, and in my opinion anything that does that needs to go. It will take all of us to dismantle it, but we needn’t be shy about it. So tell your daughter the truth. “For a long time,” you might say, “men have controlled the world and that includes women’s bodies. I think it’s pretty silly, considering women create and feed all of us.” Or if you’re feeling particularly direct and short-tempered, you can just say, “It’s a bullshit double standard, and we’ve had enough of all of it.” —C.W. From: How to Explain Sexist Double Standards, in This Week’s Care and Feeding Extra. (July 25th, 2018). Dear Care and Feeding, I’m looking for thoughts on how to help my 6-year-old cope when an adult gets upset with or corrects him. My son is very smart and social and generally a very happy and outgoing kid who doesn’t usually struggle with emotions, except when a parent or teacher seems to be upset with him. It doesn’t have to be yelling; any kind of stern voice in response to a minor defiance or failure to listen will cause him to burst into tears and become very upset (he will refer to a stern voice as “yelling” every time). I’ve tried to explain the difference between these concepts, and I stop what I’m doing to hug and comfort him and remind him that I love him, but the behavior continues. It’s not a new behavior: He’s always been like this, but I had thought by now he would be starting to grow out of it. How do I help him take this in stride better? —Oh, My Sweet Summer Child Dear OMSSC, I wish to welcome your son to the ranks of people who cannot be sternly criticized in any way without falling apart. We are legion. Most of us, being adults, have had to develop our own strategies for toughening up a bit (joining the Army being the Hail Mary play when all else fails). It’s a long journey! One of my kids responds to any stern rebuke by saying, “I am mad!” and exiting the room to fume quietly in the corridor until he feels ready to return. Ideally, he’ll have worked through that before his first performance evaluation as an adult, and so will your son.I encourage you to sift through your books and games and preferred shows for examples of characters being told not to do something and draw attention to how they responded. Ask him how he would tell someone to stop doing something wrong: What if someone broke his toy? Have him act it out. Model taking that feedback respectfully. There’s a reason we practice difficult interactions in the bathroom mirror and with friends. It makes it easier that he’s not generally a very sensitive or overly emotional kid. Those kids usually grow up into the loveliest people, but for parents it can be a bit much to have to deal with floods of helpless tears because a character in a book stubbed his toe, and it’s much harder to fight a basic personality type than a specific behavior—sensitivity versus trouble accepting criticism. While you’re working on this in general, I would have a quick word with his teachers or any authority figure who is routinely in his Critique Zone and just let them know to err on the side of going in soft, because a mild rebuke will more than get the job done. It can be hard to moderate your general manner when you have 80 wildebeests who are like, I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU, YOU SMELL and then four kids who are like, I am a gentle orchid, you will crush me if you blow on me, but I have to imagine the adults in question would rather not have to deal with your kid’s tears if there was a decent workaround. —Nicole Cliffe From: My Toddler Has Become a Camel. (July 13th, 2018). More Parenting Advice From Slate My 14-year-old daughter spent the night with her best friend and I just saw photos of her vaping in the girl’s room. It is the second infraction—she was caught doing this about six months ago. I’m crushed and hate to see her thinking this type of behavior is cool and wanting to experiment. Never miss new Slate Advice columns Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays. Advice Family Kids Parenting