My Boyfriend Dumped Me When I Lost Weight. Now I’m Dealing With Something Far Worse.

How to Do It Men run for this hills when they see this. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by ugis bralens/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear How to Do It, Years ago I wrote in asking about what I should do regarding losing weight and my boyfriend’s attraction toward me changing. He liked me fat, I needed to lose weight for health reasons, and I was worried he might lose interest. I lost the weight and he did, in fact, end up leaving me. He directly cited my weight loss as a major factor. Anyway, I am now writing in for a related but different reason. I have an issue with the extra skin left over from the weight loss. I haven’t had sex in three years because a lot of the guys I get naked in front of are put off by the extra skin. No one really talked to me about that. Everyone said I would feel so much better once I lost the weight, but I am more depressed now than I was before. Having it removed is considered a cosmetic operation and is not covered by my insurance, nor is it feasible to pay for it out of pocket. I would love to have sex and feel sexy again, but I am at a loss. I know a lot of people struggle with this after weight loss, but going from 400+ lbs to 220-ish leaves a lot of extra skin. How do I navigate, what I feel to be, an increasingly shallow dating culture? I wear shaper shirts and things to smooth it all out when I am out and about, but as soon as the clothes come off, I can’t hide it. Even when I warn guys about it, they are still surprised once we’re naked. Where do I go? —Former Big Guy Dear Former Big Guy, Very sorry to hear that you’re more depressed now after the considerable work you have put in for the sake of bodily evolution. Your journey is not yet over. Some people have greater obstacles when pursuing their final form. It’s part of the unfairness of life. As with any features that the greater population may react unkindly to, this may require a frustrating degree of trial and error. The rejection and/or the surprise you mention may be something you have to endure as you attempt to find a partner that is well-suited for you. Telling people in advance does allow people to cross themselves off your list before you make the effort of finding a place to get naked, so you may want to keep doing that if you can endure the reactions. Connecting beyond general pleasantries before hopping in bed with someone may also help. I’m not saying you have to be in love before banging but someone who likes you as a person may be kinder toward what others perceive as flaws. You may want to seek out partners who are specifically fat-accepting, body positive and/or have some kind of experience with this kind of thing. Also, you can keep trying in your skin-removal endeavor. Sometimes this is covered by insurance, though you probably will have a better case to argue if the excess skin is causing pain, rashes, or infections. You can talk to your doctor again or try another, who may be able to help push this through your insurance. There are also non-invasive skin treatments like laser skin-tightening that may be more affordable than, say, a tummy tuck. Building muscle via strength training could help fill you out somewhat and omega-3s may have some impact on collagen and firmness. None of these suggestions are a quick fix, but over time and in concert they may help. Don’t give up. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, Recently I have found myself more interested in masturbation than having sex with my partner. I’ve recognized that this was due to a rather unhealthy relationship to online porn. I’m trying to stop, but I find myself unable to resist. I love my partner, and I feel guilty for not being able to regularly satisfy her. How do I figure this out? —Yanking Dear Yanking, You have to start with effort. This is not a situation where you should accept—”I find myself unable to resist” is not a tenable state of existence. Resisting, even if briefly, is worth committing to if indeed your porn use and masturbation habits are interfering with your sex life. I want to be clear that I side with experts like Nicole Prause, who poke holes in the concept of porn addiction. Treating sex/porn “addiction” is a boutique industry that is vulnerable to pseudo science and promoted by grifters. That’s not to say problematic porn use isn’t a thing. The relationship you have with it certainly sounds like it qualifies. If you need outside help with it, and it sounds like you do, talk to a sex therapist, hopefully one who doesn’t have “porn addiction” in their vocabulary. A one-day-at-a-time approach may serve you well. If you masturbate everyday, try going without for a day. No promises for what happens tomorrow—just focus on the present. Separate yourself from your computer; stay out of the room where you masturbate. Specifically plan something with your partner, particularly something that involves novelty or thrill, both of which can help enhance desire. Start even smaller if you need to. Go half a day. Show yourself that you aren’t at the mercy of your own sex drive. Since you have a problematic relationship with porn, you’re probably best off distancing yourself from it. But there is an alternative path, which is to attempt to integrate porn into your sexual relationship. Would your partner be interested in watching it with you or having it on during sex? If you can confine the porn use to just partnered time, that would put an immediate check on you to prevent overuse. Success here would depend on how well you take to moderation. Right now, it seems that’s an issue, but maybe there is a future for you where you can more healthily integrate your porn use into your sex life. Share Your Story With How to Do It! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us! Dear How to Do It, I’ve been “in love with my best friend” on two separate occasions. We talked through it, nothing ever happened, and we’re still best friends with a healthy outlook on the past. My partner knows about this and has no issues. So, why am I still having sex dreams about them? I don’t want these old butterfly feelings but they must be here for a reason. What should I do? —Tired and Wired Dear Tired and Wired, Could it be that you have been in love with your best friend the whole time? I don’t know what being in love with someone on two separate occasions means. I struggle to see how they were discrete incidents and not part of the same story, especially since the story is apparently still being written. Also, just because you are having sex dreams about someone does not necessarily mean that you want them (our dreams throw us curve balls all the time). But if those butterfly feelings are lingering in waking life, it’s possible that you are simply in love with this person, period. You’ve talked yourself out of it repeatedly, but it keeps showing itself. If true, it doesn’t mean you aren’t in love with your partner; you may love your partner more or simply have no preference between them. The existence of polyamory tells us that some people are capable of loving more than one person at a time. You asked what to do, but it sounds like you’re already doing it. Your friend and partner are aware. You have maintained connections with both. Your feelings may be uncomfortable at times, but they have not led to destruction. You are managing. Sometimes we can’t have exactly the relationship with a person that we might like, but a relationship to some extent with someone whom we care about is better than none. The price you pay for keeping your best friend may be unresolved feelings. They may never be realized in a romantic relationship. That doesn’t mean anything has to change. This is your best friend we are talking about—someone worth keeping around. —Rich More Advice From Slate My wife wants me to go down on her and is growing increasingly irritated with my refusals. The problem is her twat reeks like a can of tuna left out in the sun for the better part of a month. She is hypersensitive to any sort of criticism or even suggestions from others. How can I discuss this with her in a way that won’t end with me sleeping on the couch for a month? Advice Sex