Love Bombing Can Feel So Good at First—Here’s How to Spot It

There’s a reason love bombing can be so hard to spot: At first, it can feel pretty damn great. Maybe the person you just started dating is constantly texting you good morning and goodnight. They’re showering you with compliments, surprising you with lavish gifts, and telling you they’ve never felt this way about anyone before. They might even be throwing around terms like soul mate when you’re still trying to remember their middle name. Intense? Definitely. Romantic? Maybe. But when all that affection comes with an underlying attempt to gain control, you could be dealing with love bombing.“Love bombing is characterized by excessive attention, admiration, and affection with the goal to make the recipient feel dependent and obligated to that person,” explains relationship therapist Sasha Jackson, LCSW. “It often feels sudden, intense, and mismatched to the situation,” adds Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, LMFT, a relationship expert at the dating app Hily.Of course, someone being super into you isn’t automatically a red flag, which is part of what makes love bombing so confusing. All that attention can make you feel incredible. “You feel special, needed, loved, valuable, and worthy, which are all the components that contribute to and increase a person’s self-esteem,” says Jackson. The difference is what comes next. With love bombing, that early affection may eventually give way to criticism, pressure, or controlling behavior. “Love bombers may build you up and then quickly put you down,” Cohen says. “This allows them to have all of the control in the relationship.”So, how can you tell the difference between an enthusiastic new partner and someone who’s love bombing you? Ahead, experts break down what love bombing actually looks like, the signs to watch for, why it can be so harmful, and what to do if you think it’s happening to you.Jump to:What Is Love Bombing?What Are Some Signs You're Being Love-Bombed?What Are Some Signs That You Are the Love Bomber?Is Love Bombing Associated With Narcissism?Why Is Love Bombing So Dangerous?What to Do If You’re Being Love BombedAs mentioned, love bombing is when a person showers you with attention, love, and affection, often early on in the process of dating, explains Cohen, noting that it can involve grand gestures, intense compliments, or fast-moving declarations like “I love you” before truly getting to know the other person.Despite seeming like something straight out of your middle school fantasies, love bombing can be a manipulative tactic that anyone can fall for. That’s because the attention and affection can feel genuinely good at first, making unhealthy or controlling behavior harder to recognize.“Love bombers seek to quickly obtain the affection and attention of someone they are romantically pursuing by presenting an idealized image of themselves,” says Lori Nixon Bethea, PhD, owner of Intentional Hearts Counseling Services. In these cases, Bethea says the goal is to enhance their ego by gaining power over the person being pursued.While love bombing is sometimes discussed in connection with personality disorders, it isn’t exclusive to any particular diagnosis. In fact, the term wasn’t first coined by psychologists at all. It actually originated with the Unification Church of the United States, whose members reportedly used “love bombing” with new recruits to encourage them to join the group. Other cult leaders like Jim Jones and David Koresh used similar methods of excessive positive reinforcement to manufacture feelings of intense unity and loyalty. “It demonstrates a lack of boundaries,” somatic psychotherapist Holly Richmond, PhD, a certified sex therapist, says.What Are Some Signs You're Being Love-Bombed?Dating a love bomber isn’t going to look the same in every situation, but a few telltale signs of a love-bombing partner are extravagant gifts, excessive flattery, constant complimentary texting, and always expecting a prompt reply.Richmond adds that someone changing their mind about major decisions overnight—for instance, going from saying they never want kids to offering to start trying right away the second they think you’re leaving them—can also be a clear sign of love bombing.If you’re looking for more specifics, here’s what a love bomber might say, says Jackson:“I want to spoil you.” This might look like buying you excessive gifts in a short amount of time.“I just want to be with you all the time.” Pay attention if they make you feel guilty for wanting boundaries or space.“I like to check on you because I get worried.” Checking in is one thing, but constantly asking about your whereabouts, monitoring your social media, or asking for your passwords can signal controlling behavior.“We are meant for each other.” Be cautious if things feel really intense really fast, or they mention you being their soul mate or twin flame early on.“It’s you and me forever, right?”And here’s how a love bomber might act, per Bethea:The love bomber will demand your attention and time and may isolate you from your family and friends (for example, they may become angry and make you feel guilty for making plans with others).The love bomber will excessively compliment you and shower you with affection.The love bomber will persuade you to commit to them very early on in the courtship.What Are Some Signs That You Are the Love Bomber?Love bombing isn’t always intentional, so it’s possible to engage in the behavior without fully realizing what you’re doing. And to be clear, sending flowers, writing love poems, and allowing yourself to fall head over heels in NRE (new relationship energy) aren’t inherently unhealthy behaviors, even if they’re also things a love bomber might do. So how can you tell the difference?According to Richmond, it all comes down to codependence. First, she stresses that despite what you think you know, codependence isn’t always a bad thing. “We’ve been spoon-fed this idea that codependence is always unhealthy, but every relationship has to have a healthy degree of codependency. Otherwise, you’d be in your lane, and they’d be in their lane, and that’s barely a relationship at all.”However, because love bombing is all about tearing away boundaries, if a romantic desire to share time together turns into feelings of manipulation and fear rather than affection, you should check in with yourself, your friends, and your therapist or chosen family—whoever you get support from. “When you’d do anything to get that person back, you’re looking at unhealthy codependency,” Richmond says.If you feel like you couldn’t live without someone and find yourself doing things like showing up unannounced and unwanted at their door or sending inappropriate gifts despite knowing they’re unwelcome, you may be crossing boundaries. Consider working with a therapist to better understand what’s driving the behavior and develop healthier relationship patterns.Cohen adds that love bombing typically has a motive—if you’re showering someone with affection not out of genuine care but to secure control or validation, it’s a sign you may be crossing into unhealthy behavior.Is Love Bombing Associated With Narcissism?Love bombing is often associated with narcissism, but that doesn’t mean everyone who love bombs has narcissistic personality disorder—or that everyone with NPD engages in love bombing. Anyone is capable of the behavior, and you can’t diagnose someone based on love bombing alone.That said, psychotherapist Ami Kaplan, LCSW, notes that love bombing can show up in relationships involving narcissistic patterns. “Love bombing is largely an unconscious behavior,” Kaplan explains. “It’s about really getting the other person. Then, when they feel like they really got the person and they feel secure in the relationship, the narcissist typically switches and becomes very difficult, abusive, or manipulative.” She adds that the same person who was just idealizing their partner may then switch to devaluing them.Love bombing has also been discussed in relation to borderline personality disorder (BPD), particularly in the context of idealization and fears of abandonment, says Richmond. But again, experiencing BPD doesn’t mean someone will love bomb a partner, and intense affection or shifts in feelings alone aren’t enough to diagnose BPD.Why Is Love Bombing So Dangerous?When love bombing is being used to manipulate or control someone, it can be incredibly detrimental to the person on the receiving end. Jackson says it has everything to do with the law of reciprocity: “If someone gives you something, you feel that you owe them something equal or greater in return. So if your partner is giving you excessive love and attention, you feel like you have to give this behavior, dedication, or ‘loyalty’ in return despite the red flags you experience.”According to Bethea, once the targeted person becomes hooked on the love bomber, the love bomber has not only gained control over their partner’s mind and heart, but they also have their ego boosted. “At this phase, they no longer have any use for their partner and begin the process of withdrawing from the relationship,” she says. In an abusive dynamic, Bethea says this is when the behavior may shift. They may hurl insults, make disparaging remarks, gaslight, and cause their partner to feel invalidated and devalued, says Bethea. “The love bomber is aware that they have control over their partner and may eventually walk away from the relationship, with an understanding that they can return at any time to continue the cycle of abuse.”What to Do If You’re Being Love BombedIt’s normal to feel a strong attachment to someone who is love bombing you or even to defend their actions. After all, you may feel like this person truly gets you or sees you for who you really are. The relationship may have provided you with the kind of validation that you’ve always wanted, which can make it difficult to recognize when that attention has become manipulative or controlling.If you realize the person you’re with is love bombing you as part of a larger pattern of manipulative or abusive behavior, prioritize your safety and seek out support systems outside of the relationship. Getting an outside perspective from someone you trust can be particularly helpful. “First and foremost, I would ask the person to be really vulnerable, transparent, and honest. Because most of the time, when people are being love-bombed, they feel embarrassed. I think it often will take an objective perspective from a friend, family, chosen family, [or] therapist, to say Hey, this really does look like a cycle of violence here,” Richmond says, also stressing that there’s no need to blame yourself for what happened.If it’s still early days and you think this behavior could just be intense infatuation rather than love bombing, it’s still worth having a conversation and expressing how the attention is making you feel. Something as simple as “Hey, this seems to be moving pretty fast, and I need to set some boundaries” is a good place to start.If someone is acting to control or manipulate you, however, it may be best to stop communicating with them as safely as you can. It’s not your responsibility to change their behavior. Instead, focus on getting the support you need to step away from the relationship.Cohen also notes that if someone responds to your feedback with more intensity, manipulation, or defensiveness, that's even more of a sign that it's time to move on and find the support you need from a trained mental health clinician to process your feelings. Kaplan also stresses the importance of seeking out a close friend or family member who can keep your confidence or searching for a therapist or support group.“You want to get some support from other people who have been in relationships with narcissists,” Kaplan says. “The question is how to start setting boundaries so you’re not getting abused. Just take small, slow steps based on your circumstance.”