Kemi & Nigel must end Monty Python-style spat & unite or they’ll doom Britain to 5 years of clueless Burnham’s socialism

SPRINGTIME for Nigel Farage and Reform UK – winter for Count Binface and Baron Von Thunderclap. It would be churlish of folk who despise Farage to deny that he just won a resounding victory in this week’s Clacton by-election. Nigel Farage won a resounding victory in this week’s Clacton by-election Credit: AFP Kemi Badenoch wrote to voters in Clacton telling them that they deserve far better than Farage Credit: Getty To get more than 22,000 votes on the hottest day of the year in a contest where your political rivals are a cast of clowns — that is no small achievement. They call Farage a Marmite politician but it is just not true — 9,455 anti-Nigels came out in Clacton to vote for a man dressed as a bin. Nobody hates Marmite that much. But it is also true that no other party leader inspires the level of devotion that Farage has among his true believers. So why doesn’t the Clacton by-election feel like a result of real historical significance? Why doesn’t Clacton feel like a major step on the road to Reform UK reaching 10 Downing Street? Because from where some of us are watching, Labour look nailed on to win the next General Election. Because Reform and the Tories hate each other. Because the antipathy between Farage and Kemi Badenoch seems real, visceral and bitter. Because it is easy to see how Andy Burnham unites the Left — simply promise to attempt to rejoin the European Union just before the next General Election — and it is impossible to see how the Right will ever unite. The major parties were happy to sit out the Clacton by-election. But they were hardly uninvolved. The Tory leader wrote to voters in Clacton telling them that they deserved far better than Farage. In retaliation, he promised that Reform were coming for Badenoch’s seat in North West Essex. “We are going to pump big resources into Essex because we see it as very winnable,” Nigel smiled on the campaign trail. “That’s half the shadow Cabinet who will lose their seats — including Kemi.” Badenoch sneered: “Reform are a woke party. And a lot of people assume it [woke] is a left-wing thing. “But when I talk about woke, I talk about people who — it’s all grievance, it’s victim narratives. ‘People are doing this to us, this is the oppressor class’. “On the left, it’s whites who are the oppressors or men are the oppressors. On the right, it’s the establishment who are the oppressors. It’s all moaning and whinging and not proper solutions. Count Binface ran against Farage in the Clacton by-election Credit: Getty Burnham is more of a career politician than Keir Starmer Credit: PA “I don’t see how I could have people like that in some sort of coalition.” So would you prefer five more years of socialism, Kemi? Badenoch and Farage spend longer attacking each other than they do attacking this catastrophic Labour government — and Kemi and Nigel tear into each other with far more bite. Isn’t it painfully, horribly obvious? As long as the Tories and Reform regard each other as the major enemy, this country is doomed to a high-taxing, big-spending, anti-business socialist government. Clearly, our new Prime Minister is hopelessly out of his depth. Whatever the problem — the death of British business, the mountain of British debt, the unemployment of British youngsters, the collapse of British borders, the opening of British jails — Burnham would much prefer to talk about British buses. Everything Andy knows about economics he learned studying English Literature at Cambridge University. Burnham never ran a business. He never created something from nothing. He knows bugger all about what it takes for the working class to survive in these hard times. Burnham is more of a career politician than Keir Starmer. And yet common sense tells us that if Farage and Badenoch continue to waste all their energy on rubbishing each other, then Burnham’s Labour are hot favourites to win the next General Election, whenever it comes. The feud between the Tories and Reform is the most laughably pathetic political spat since the Judean People’s Front were spitting feathers at the People’s Front of Judea in Monty Python’s Life Of Brian. There is an absurdity at the heart of their mutual loathing. Robert Jenrick, a politician I like, narrowly missed out to Badenoch in the Tory leadership contest less than two years ago. If Jenrick had won, he would have been an effective Conservative leader. Is it really too much to ask for these squabbling politicians to put aside their egos and work together for the sake of the country? Farage and Badenoch are both popular leaders within their parties. But if they can’t reach some kind of agreement to work together, then they are ultimately of no use to the readers of this newspaper. And if that is the case, then after they gift the next General Election to our socialist masters, both the Conservatives and Reform UK are going to need bigger, better leaders. Kate is a mirror image of grace Kate Beckinsale poses in a bodysuit covered with mirror fragments while asking for a little kindness from social media trolls Credit: Instagram KATE BECKINSALE poses in a bodysuit covered with mirror fragments while asking for a little kindness from social media trolls. “Give people a little grace,” she pleads, in response to those who have criticised her weight loss. There are plenty of celebrities whose body shapes should be far more of a concern than that of Kate Beckinsale. I mean, she is not quite, who-ate-all-the-pies? More like, who-ate-all-the-salad-leaves? But she is hardly underweight. To me, Kate looks great. BALLS TO POP STARS The Community Shield being held in Cardiff because The Weeknd is playing five nights at Wembley Stadium Credit: Getty FOOTBALL’S back! After waiting for 22 years, can the Arsenal win back-to-back titles? Will Manchester City slip into terminal decline without Pep Guardiola? Is Brian Madjo, Aston Villa’s 17-year-old, 6ft 4in giant, the new Erling Haaland? Will Argentina’s Enzo Fernandez – gloating destroyer of England’s World Cup dreams – be booed every time he touches the ball for Chelsea between now and next spring? Let us hope so! And why is today’s Community Shield being held in Cardiff? Because The Weeknd is playing five nights at Wembley Stadium. This is stark raving bonkers. The Community Shield is the historic curtain-raiser of English football. It should never make way for a pop concert. Only a sport that does not give a toss about the travelling fans could believe that playing the Community Shield in Wales is a good idea. Arsenal and Manchester City would have been better off flipping a coin and playing the match in either east Manchester or north London. Wembley Stadium is the home of football. And not something for The Weeknd, sir. Katie Price squeezed into a nearly-there black bikini to watch the solar eclipse with Wayne Lineker Credit: waynelineker/Instagram HOW was the solar eclipse for you? In Ibiza, Katie Price squeezed into a nearly-there black bikini to watch the magical moment when the moon blotted out the sun, with Wayne Lineker. Astronomers reckon that Spain had the best view of the solar eclipse. So thank goodness Wayne was wearing protective glasses. NICOLE KIDDING NO ONE Nicole Kidman has opened up about her marriage to Tom Cruise Credit: Getty IT does not happen very often, but Nicole Kidman has opened up about her marriage to Tom Cruise. “I was 22, 23 years old and I had this huge movie star husband,” she tells Vogue. “I remember people saying to me, ‘OK, well this is really going to affect your career’. “I was, like, ‘I don’t care. I’m in love. I want to be married’.” Nicole recalled that when fans started calling her “Cruise’s wife”, her friends all said: “We told you so.” “I was, like, ‘So what? I wasn’t meant to marry the man I love? Of course I’ll throw my career away, I don’t care’.” Hold on – we are meant to believe that marrying Tom had a DETRIMENTAL impact on Nicole’s career? I am not sure I quite buy that theory. Nicole Kidman is an Oscar-winning actress. In one of my favourite films, 1995’s To Die For, she was hilarious as an ambitious weather girl. The greatest performance I ever saw on a London stage was in 1998, when Kidman played all ten female roles in David Hare’s The Blue Room. A year later, she co-starred (with husband Tom) in Stanley Kubrick’s last film, Eyes Wide Shut. When Nicole was in her 11-year marriage to Tom, she displayed more humorous self-awareness. I remember Barry Norman interviewing her and asking if there were any drawbacks to being married to the film star. With a twinkle in her eye, Nicole said: “I do get to sleep with Tom Cruise every night.” A CLIFF HANGER “MISTLETOE And Wine was a 1988 Christmas No1 for which British singer?” Ben Shephard asked on Tipping Point. “The Pogues?” guessed Colin. And how the world mocked. Yes, the correct answer is, of course, Cliff Richard. But I am with you, Colin! To some of us, Mistletoe And Wine conjures up the spirit of Christmas and Christmas means Shane and Kirsty and the boys of the NYPD choir singing Galway Bay. Only 130 days left to go, Colin.