I’ve stopped fancying my wife of 28 years – we haven’t had sex for a year

Dear Kenny, I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve stopped finding my wife attractive. We’ve been together for 28 years and our relationship has waxed and waned as love does. We’ve been through grief, illness, and job stress together. It has taken its toll and the passion we used to feel got lost somewhere along the way. But we have a good life together, and I’m proud of our grown-up children; it’s just that my wife feels more like a friend than someone I want to dive into bed with. We haven’t had sex for almost a year and my wife has made no suggestion that she misses it, or has even noticed the absence. We don’t even kiss anymore. I do fleetingly notice other women as being attractive, so I don’t think it’s just ageing – though perhaps that is part of it. But I’m feeling a sense of grief that I’ll potentially never have sex again with my wife. Is it normal to feel this way in very long-term relationships? J Good, 58 **** It is so hard to keep attraction going in relationships that last many decades. If there is a couple reading this that manages it effortlessly, I’d love to hear from you. We don’t talk enough about how romantic relationships require work. They can bring great joy, and indeed great sorrow, but they also require time and effort. We don’t expect to effortlessly build a career, or raise children, or keep in shape or remain close to our friends without investing time. Yet, when it comes to life partners, we frequently expect that relationship to maintain itself. And even when we do put in the hard work, there’s no guarantee that we’ll feel attracted to someone in their 60s who we couldn’t stop thinking about in our 20s. So, in answer to your question: is this normal? Yes, it is. I also think it’s very telling that you’re experiencing a sense of grief. What I would caution against, and I suspect you might be slipping into doing, is considering this a permanent state. It is temporary until you resign yourself to this being a new normal and your grief suggests to me this would feel like a huge loss to you. I think your experience of your relationship waxing and waning shows that you have a realistic view of love. Sometimes being roommates is the full strength of affection you feel at that time and it is your choice of commitment to each other that keeps your romantic relationship going. I don’t recommend judging your sex life today against the first months that you were with your wife; passion does evolve, and all-consuming infatuation does fade, or we simply wouldn’t manage anything else in life. But there are things you can do to give yourself the best chance of finding your wife attractive again. And before you write off your sex life as extinct, I’d recommend trying them. Firstly, start noticing your wife. Sometimes we become so secure and comfortable, we stop seeing our partner. Look for the attractive in her – and when you see it, comment on it. If she wears something new or her hair looks particularly good, make sure to voice it. Feeling invisible does not make anyone feel attractive. Many relationship experts talk about “bids for affection” and how brushing off a partner’s attempts to connect, especially persistently, can be damaging to our relationship. If you treat your wife like she’s interesting and you love her company, she’s more likely to do the same to you. And she’s very likely to feel more attractive if you act like she’s the most interesting person in any room. This can help hugely with attraction. Our partners are constantly changing and evolving; listen to what she’s saying and don’t take it for granted that you know everything about her already. I was struck that you said you don’t kiss anymore. Do you know why? Have you tried kissing and been rejected, or has your wife received the brush-off from you? Do you touch each other’s arms, hold hands and show affection with hugs? If not, I’d recommend adding in more physical affection to your lives. It might feel awkward at first, but this move might help both of you to start feeling cared for and in turn, spark attraction. Also, think about your wife’s love languages – and your own – and try to communicate through these. This might be physical touch and spending quality time together, but also, does she love to be told about your feelings and appreciate words? Or be given a thoughtful gift? Some people feel loved through acts of service, whether that’s putting the phone on charge or changing the sheets. Sometimes boredom can be the enemy of attraction. And it is natural for this emotion to come and go after so much time together. You might find that a new activity or going on holiday together helps spark attraction. I would also recommend thinking back to the last time you had sex. Was it a good experience? Might there be part of you that is finding your wife unattractive because our sex life evolves, often to be more sensual, in mid-life. It can be harder to immediately feel turned on, and sometimes might involve lubrication and a lot more foreplay. I think that many couples have temporary periods when they find each other more or less attractive. But I feel that it would be wrong of me not to mention that even taking all these measures, sometimes those feelings of attraction have passed permanently. Not all couples do stay in love over decades. Some relationships run their course with individuals outgrowing each other. Often these relationships have been happy and supportive, which is a success by anyone’s standards. But unless you have worked at stoking the fires of attraction, I think it would be very premature for you to consider that part of your relationship over.