I’ve lost count of how many times my husband has cheated – but I’ve finally had enough

DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE lost count of how many times my husband has cheated, but after years of lies I’ve finally had enough. He’s 54 and I’m 52. We’ve been married for 25 years and have two grown-up children. Like any couple, we’ve had our ups and downs, but I always thought we loved each other. Then, about four years ago, he suddenly became very secretive with his phone. Without telling me, he changed his password. He started taking his phone everywhere and became jumpy whenever I came near it. Deep down I knew what was going on, but whenever I questioned him, he made me feel paranoid and told me I was imagining things. Then one night, while he was asleep, my worries got too much, and I went snooping on his phone. WhatsApp and Contact Dear Deidre WhatsApp, DM, or email our experienced counsellors for a free, comprehensive response. I found countless messages from women and, after reading just a few, it was clear my suspicions had been right all along. He swore it meant nothing and begged me to forgive him. And despite my better judgement, I foolishly did. Since then, there have been more women, more lies and countless excuses. Then a year ago, he had a heart attack. I dropped everything to look after him and thought it might make him finally appreciate what we had. Instead, he has become angry and difficult, and his cheating has intensified. Every time I catch him, he lies and gaslights me until I show him proof. Even then, he’ll always find a way to turn it around on me and claim I’m invading his privacy or making his life difficult. I’m exhausted from constantly questioning where he is and who he’s talking to. I’ve spent years hoping the next time will be different, but I don’t think I have anything left to give. DEIDRE SAYS: After so many betrayals, I’m not surprised you’ve reached a breaking point. Your husband has repeatedly shown that promises alone won’t change his behaviour, and it’s not realistic to expect things to improve unless he makes a genuine commitment to changing. You need to decide what you want now, rather than continuing to wait for the next betrayal. If you are considering staying, you’ll both need to be completely honest about what you need, and he must take responsibility for repairing the damage he has caused. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? can help you work through your options. HER CRUSH ON POP STAR PUTS ME OFF TYING KNOT DEAR DEIDRE: MY fiancée prefers Harry Styles to me. I’m getting cold feet over marrying her. She saw him twice in concert in London and once in Amsterdam and now all she does is watch his videos and send him messages via social media. She’s 37 and has a son of 17 from a previous relationship. We also have a three-year-old together. Eighteen months ago she was mad keen to plan our wedding, which is due to take place in December. But all the planning and enthusiasm stopped when her younger sister took her own life last year. Now nothing seems to matter to my fiancée. Unless I cook something for our son when I get in, he has a diet of fast food. Her only conversation is, Harry this or Harry that. I’m seriously worried. DEIDRE SAYS: Focusing on the singer is her way of masking the pain she feels from losing her sister. Any wedding guests who know what your fiancée has been through will understand if you postpone your big day. Find a quiet moment to tell her you need to talk, without things escalating into a row. Explain your concerns and that you feel she needs help. She can find support through the Samaritans which runs a peer support group programme that helps people bereaved by suicide. Check out facingthefuturegroups.org. Batch cooking and freezing healthy meals for your son will help, so that he eats a balanced diet. SO MUCH WORK I’M AT END OF TETHER DEAR DEIDRE: LATELY my workload has become unmanageable. My job has taken over my life, and I’m drowning under the pressure. I’m a 45-year-old man and work as a senior account manager for a large company. Two people in my team left earlier this year and, instead of replacing them, all of their responsibilities have fallen on me. I’ve ended up picking up their clients as well as mine. Every day, my phone starts buzzing before I’ve even had breakfast, and I can easily have 50 emails waiting by the time I sit down at my desk. No matter how much overtime and extra work I put in, there is always another deadline, another angry client or another problem that needs sorting immediately. I used to have such a good work-life balance, but now I take my laptop home with me every night, and I find it impossible to switch off. My mind is constantly racing. My nerves are shredded, and I don’t know how much more I can take. DEIDRE SAYS: This workload is clearly unsustainable, and you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your health to keep up. Tell your manager honestly how much has been piled onto you and ask what can be taken away. You may need to be firmer about switching off outside working hours too. Don’t ignore the warning signs that you’re struggling. My support pack Help For Stress can benefit you. MOTHER-IN-LAW IS A SNIDE PEST DEAR DEIDRE: BY constantly competing with me for my partner’s attention, MY clingy mother-in-law is taking a toll on our relationship. I’m 30, he’s 32, and we’ve been together for five years. We’re really happy together, but his mum has never exactly welcomed me with open arms. Since we met, she’s made snide comments about me, my clothes and how I look. Once she even told my partner that she’s always imagined him with someone “a little more sophisticated”. I’ve tried to laugh it all off, but after years of swallowing my feelings, I’m beginning to feel worn down by it. On top of that, I’ve always felt she has been a little competitive when it came to his attention, but lately it feels like she’s trying harder than ever to get between us. She rings him several times a day, turns up at our house unannounced and constantly encroaches on our alone time. Even if we mention going away for a weekend, she’ll suddenly come up with a reason he needs to be around. I’ve tried to be patient because I know she’s his mum, but enough is enough. He always tells me I’m imagining it, but I’m starting to feel like the third person in my own relationship. DEIDRE SAYS: She may struggle to accept that her son’s priorities have changed, but she doesn’t get to dictate how you spend your time together. He needs to recognise that her behaviour is affecting your relationship. You’ve been patient for long enough, so tell your partner honestly how this is making you feel and agree to some boundaries around visits, calls and your time alone. He should be the one communicating these to his mum, rather than leaving you to deal with the fallout. My support pack How To Look After Your Relationship will help.