I’ve Let My Friends Believe a Lie About Me. It’s For a Good Reason, But the Guilt Is Gnawing at Me.

Dear Prudence I’m in so deep. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 09, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Valeriy_G /iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I’ve found myself in a bit of a sticky situation regarding family, friends, and gender identity. I’m a cis woman in my mid-20s who moved to stay with my twin brother a year and a half ago, after I was dumped badly. It was originally going to be temporary, but we’ve found that we’re really enjoying living together again and make great roommates, and I like the area, so now I have a job here and have no intention of leaving. My brother is a lot more outgoing and comfortable with people than I am, so by becoming part of his social circle here, I have more friends than I ever did before. The problem here is that my brother is my identical twin, and he really doesn’t want anyone in his current adult life to know that he’s trans. He is stealth and has dealt with a lot of traumatic transphobic mistreatment in his life. Unfortunately, he had no idea I was going to end up part of his IRL friend groups, so a lot of them have heard stories about how we would switch places and get into trouble as kids by taking advantage of being identical. This (plus the fact that we’re both very tall) means that everyone assumes that I’m the one who transitioned to female. I don’t think my brother’s ever flat-out lied, but he let them draw their own conclusions. We are both out as not being straight (my twin is bisexual), and our friend group is mostly LGBTQ+, so I haven’t faced mistreatment from our friends. I’ve mostly felt guilty because sometimes our trans woman friends have assumed a shared background and familiarity with me that I haven’t actually earned. If I were to “come out” as cisgender, I’m afraid that it would be interpreted as me thinking there’s something bad or shameful about being a trans woman, and that some of my friends would feel betrayed, but what I’m really most worried about is that it would out my brother. I have talked to him, and he’s apologized to me about it a lot, and really regrets having told people that he had an identical twin instead of lying and saying we were fraternal, but it doesn’t change the fact that he finds the idea of people knowing he’s trans to be an extreme source of anxiety. What do we do? —Closeted Cisgender Dear Closeted Cisgender, Is there any reason for your brother to believe he would face judgment or mistreatment from your now-shared friend group—or is his anxiety stemming from the past transphobic treatment he’s been subjected to? Either way, it’s important that you’re able to live authentically and that you can be honest about who you are with your friends. Your brother’s side of this is his business. Before you dispel your friends’ misconceptions, you should talk to him about it and give him the space to speak about his fears. But don’t let this misunderstanding take a deeper hold. Correct the record, and if you feel it’s necessary, apologize to the people close to you for letting them believe something that is not true. This doesn’t require a huge announcement—if you have never explicitly lied, you can find a good conversational segue and mention in passing, “Yeah, people can be kind of ignorant. So many people assume I’m trans just because I’m tall,” or “That’s interesting. Being cis, I never thought about that growing up, but I’m glad I know now.” If you feel you’ve been more actively dishonest, you’ll need to be more direct: “I’m worried I’ve gotten a little bit in over my head here because so many people assume I’m trans, and I think I haven’t challenged it because I want to be included, but it’s important that I’m honest—I’m not.” If the news about your identity leads to questions about your brother’s identity, you can point your friends in his direction with something like, “Twin stuff is almost as complicated as gender identity stuff, and I’ll let him share where he’s coming from, but one thing I can say is the thing he wants most is acceptance, and I’ve assured him he’ll always have it from our friend group.” Classic Prudie My boyfriend and I live together and we’re incredibly happy. We’re in our early 20s and live in New York with two full-time jobs and side hustles. We’re both equally ambitious and serious about our future, both professionally and as a couple. I typically beat him home from work, and while I admit I tend to be the neater roommate and more inclined in the kitchen, we have fallen in the habit of me taking over the cleaning and cooking. Advice Dear Prudence