I’ve fallen hard for someone but my wild reputation has made him worried I’ll cheat on him if we get together

DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE fallen hard for a man who, one year ago, was simply one of the many guys I was sleeping with. He really likes me, too, but is scared I won’t be able to settle down because of my wild reputation. I’m 23 and this man is 25. Our generation tends to be quite open-minded about dating and sex and, in my group of friends, the women are quite honest about the fact they mostly just want to have fun. That said, some of our group have settled down with one partner but there’s no shame or stigma around those who still want to party. Last year, I casually started seeing this guy on a ‘friends with benefits’ basis. Then, out of nowhere, he cut things off because he met someone he wanted to be exclusive with. I was secretly gutted, though I pretended I was relaxed about it. WhatsApp and Contact Dear Deidre WhatsApp, DM, or email our experienced counsellors for a free, comprehensive response. Fast-forward to a month ago and we bumped into each other at a mutual friend’s birthday party. He was single again and I could hardly contain my excitement. We ended up in bed and have been out on a number of real dates since. I genuinely want us to build a relationship because when we are together, everything feels right. But he admits he is scared that I will cheat on him. Everyone knows I used to go on lots of dates. I’d go out all the time, drink loads and wake up in a stranger’s bed. Deep down, I knew none of those guys cared about me, but it was only ever about having fun. I am done with that kind of reckless behaviour now. I have stopped sleeping with anyone else and only have eyes for him. How do I convince him I’ve changed and am ready for something real? DEIDRE SAYS: Prove your commitment by sticking to your resolve to remain faithful. Sit him down and explain that your feelings run deep. Tell him you want a genuine, committed relationship rather than continuing as just friends with benefits. Reassure him that you are ready to settle down and want to put your dating days behind you. He has admitted he really likes you too, so suggest continuing to date while taking the time to truly get to know each other. Perhaps, in a month or so, you can make it clear that you are no longer prepared to drift along in a casual arrangement. At that point, your behaviour will have proven your fidelity and honesty. If he refuses to commit after that, walk away. You deserve a partner who values you. My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, will help you communicate. IF GAMBLING GOES ON I'LL LOSE FAMILY DEAR DEIDRE: WALKING through my own front door every evening fills me with dread and shame. I’m 30 and my wife’s 29. I work hard as an electrician and bring home a good wage. My wife works part-time at our local school. We have two daughters, aged seven and five. They’re my world. I have all that a man could want and everything was perfect – until a mate took me to a betting shop after work. What started as harmless fun has turned into an addiction I can’t control. My wages end up in the bookies’ pockets. I promise my wife I’ll stop, then I let her down again. She has forgiven me over and over but can’t take this much longer. She’s at breaking point and if she packs up and leaves, taking our girls with her, no one could blame her. DEIDRE SAYS: Breaking a gambling addiction means looking under the surface to understand why you are driven to bet when it threatens your family and future. Taking time to find the role it plays in your life is the first step toward recovery. My support pack, Gambling Problem?, tells more. Contact gamcare.org.uk (0808 8020 133) because you’re unlikely to stop by yourself. Ask your wife to manage the money and alter your daily routine to avoid the bookies. Following these steps will show her you’re committed to saving your relationship. FETISH IS RISK FOR ROMANCE DEAR DEIDRE: THE only way I can get properly aroused is when my girlfriend dresses up in lace corsets and leather boots. I’m 41 and she’s 39. We have been happily together for four years and have a strong, loving relationship but I worry my unusual demands might eventually wear her down. Even though we have sex most nights, I struggle to get an erection unless she dresses up for me. It isn’t just when we are in bed, either. I love her to wear these items when we are relaxing on the sofa, unwinding after work and watching television, just to get me turned on. To her credit, she has been incredibly sweet and has never once complained or made me feel guilty, but I can’t stop worrying if this dependency will turn into a problem in the future. I am scared she will run out of patience with me, further down the road. DEIDRE SAYS: Having a fetish isn’t necessarily harmful, but you must make sure your girlfriend never feels less important than the outfit itself. If she suspects you desire the corset and boots more than her, resentment will build and she may object. To keep your relationship strong, ask her how she feels and make a conscious effort to make your girlfriend feel wanted for who she is. Try engaging in sex or intimate play without the need for her to dress up first. My support pack, Fetish Worry, explains more. SO UNEASY OVER HER MAN FRIEND DEAR DEIDRE: WATCHING my girlfriend pack her bags for six months of study abroad was really hard but I wasn’t going to stand in her way. We have been together for almost two years and I was determined to support her when she needed to go to Spain as part of her university degree. I have tried to stay positive, but am constantly fretting about her finding someone else. I am 23 and she is 20. She settled quickly in Spain and built a new social circle, which is when I started getting worried. There is one specific friendship that has shattered my peace of mind – she has become close to a 25-year-old Italian guy. What started as casual nights out seems to have become much more. First, a trip to the cinema, and then she invited their friendship group, including him, to her apartment for a meal. To make matters worse, she admitted they danced together in her living room after eating. During that evening, she completely vanished, leaving my messages unread for over five hours. Her excuse was simply that her phone had run out of battery and she hadn’t realised. I am trying not to turn into a possessive, controlling boyfriend, and she insists nothing has happened between them – but being so far away from her is really hard. Is my jealousy causing me to overreact? Or am I right to feel this anxious about her close connection with another man? DEIDRE SAYS: Checking her every move will only sabotage your relationship, as will demanding constant check-ins from her. It isn’t attractive, won’t make her love you more and you risk making her become resentful. Instead, have a clear, mature conversation. Say that you trust her to be faithful – and when you call, stop questioning her. Focus on sharing your own life and what you are doing. She is far more likely to stay loyal to you if you show you are confident, independent and living a fulfilling life of your own. My support pack, Dealing With Jealousy, will help you get past this.