I’m Done Supporting My Adult Niece. But Cutting Her Off Is Going to Hurt Someone Else, Too.

Pay Dirt Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Kristin and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!) Dear Pay Dirt, I have a niece in her 30s who lives with my mother (her grandmother) who is on a fixed income. For years, my niece paid only about $200 a month toward the household—an amount that at times didn’t even cover the electric bill. Her contribution has increased somewhat, but it is still nowhere near what it actually costs for her to live there. Here’s where this directly affects me: Whenever something in my mother’s house needs to be repaired, replaced, or improved, my older brother and I are generally the ones who pay for it or make it happen. Neither of us lives there. When there’s work to be done, my niece is often too tired, unavailable, or otherwise unable to help. I can actually live with that. Not everyone has to help with everything. What frustrates me is when she then complains. She acts as though she’s been mistreated when everyone else moves forward without her participation. My increasingly unsympathetic feeling is: You can choose not to help, but then you don’t get an equal vote in how the people who DID help got it done. I can confidently say that the two adult children who DON’T live in the house have spent considerably more maintaining and improving it than the able-bodied adult in her 30s who actually lives there. I understand that it’s my mother’s house. She is an adult and has every right to let her granddaughter live there and charge her whatever she chooses. I’ve reached the point, however, where her decision will no longer automatically create a financial obligation for me. At this point, I’ve made a decision: I’m done financially subsidizing this arrangement. That doesn’t mean I won’t help my mother if she has a genuine emergency or needs something personally. I love my mother and want her to be comfortable and safe. But I’m no longer willing to routinely pay for repairs, improvements, and household expenses while another able-bodied adult lives there at a deeply subsidized rate and isn’t expected to shoulder a meaningful share of those costs. I’ve already decided that I need to set this boundary. But I don’t know how to explain it to my mother without making her feel as though I’m punishing her for helping her granddaughter, abandoning her because she’s on a fixed income, or forcing her to choose between her daughter and granddaughter. She can be dramatic and play victim when it’s convenient, too. How do I lovingly but firmly let my family know I’m done? I’d hate to lose them, but I also understand that sometimes no contact with certain family members may be the best option in one-sided relationships. —Closing the Bank Dear Closing the Bank, There’s a lot of frustration in your letter, but underneath it is love. The way I read it, you want your mother safe and comfortable, and you don’t want to lose your family. That’s exactly why no contact shouldn’t be on the table yet. It’s a last resort for relationships that harm you, not a substitute for saying something hard out loud. And from what you’ve written, you haven’t had that conversation—or really any conversation—with your mother about money and fiscal responsibility. On the face of it, the boundary you’re setting seems reasonable. Remember, though, that your mother is acting out of love, too. She’s sheltering her granddaughter the only way she knows how, providing for her even if it costs her more than she has. You don’t have to agree with her choice to respect where it comes from. I think a lot of ground can be covered with some basic communication. Start with your brother. He’s been shelling out money for your mother’s house, too, so find out where he stands before you talk to your mother. Perhaps he feels the same way you do, which will make the next conversation easier and will allow you to get in front of any attempt to play you off against each other. Next, talk to your mother, and lead with love. Something like: “Mom, I love you, and if you have an emergency or need something for yourself, I’ll always be there. But I can’t keep paying for repairs and improvements on the house. Those costs need to come from the people who live there.” Then stop talking. Don’t argue about your niece’s rent or her work ethic. Those grievances are fair, but they’ll turn your boundary into a trial. Offer to help your mom add up what the house actually costs her each month compared with the income she has, including what your niece is contributing. Add up all the money you and your brother have contributed in the past year and show her that number, too, not as a bill, but so she sees the whole picture. Seeing the real numbers may help your mother understand why you’re setting this boundary and might get her to think differently about your niece’s contribution more than anything you could say. Now, there could be some drama, but your job is to stay cool and focused. Don’t back down. Instead, calmly help your mother think through how much extra she needs each month to stay in the house. If she doesn’t know where to get the extra money she needs, she may decide on her own to ask your niece to contribute more. You can love your mother and still stop being the family’s bank. If you say it with love and hold the line with kindness, chances are your finances and your family will end up in good shape. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Pay Dirt, I was divorced about 10 years ago and have finally gotten my credit score back up to the low 800s. One of the things that has kept my credit score somewhat acceptable and enabled me to rent decent apartments even since my single days was the fact that I had one credit card that was in just my name with a decent account age (since 2007). It is now the credit card with the largest credit limit, too. Well, now the bank that this credit card is with has been bought out by another one that has engaged in discriminatory practices with me that I never want to do business with again. If I close this account with them, my other accounts are only about 10 years old or less. How bad will my credit score tank if I tell this bank to go pound sand and close all my accounts with them? I hate them so much, but maybe not so much that I’d like to shoot myself in the foot. —Credit Score v. Principles Dear Credit Score v Principles, Credit score algorithms are, at the end of the day, a black box. It’s difficult to know how closing an account—particularly your oldest line of credit—will play out because there are other factors from your credit history that impact your score far more than credit account age. But you should know that closing a card doesn’t necessarily erase its history. A closed account in good standing generally stays on your credit report for up to 10 years, and FICO, the score many lenders use, keeps counting it toward your credit age until it drops off. By then, your other accounts will be nearly 20 years old. Most credit scores weigh the same factors, and FICO’s breakdown is typical: payment history (35 percent), credit utilization, which is the amount owed compared to an account’s credit limit (30%), length of credit history (15 percent), and new credit and your credit mix (10 percent each). So how much of your available credit you use counts twice as much in credit scoring algorithms as account age. Close it, and any balance you carry looks bigger. If you carry a balance, credit utilization might be an issue, because the account you’re closing has your single biggest credit limit. Before you cancel, ask your other issuers for credit limit increases. If you expand your other accounts’ credit limits, your utilization barely moves. If you’re applying for a mortgage, car loan, or apartment soon, close the accounts afterward.On your way out, if you believe the bank discriminated against you, collect your documentation and file a complaint with the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau at https://www.consumerfinance.gov/complaint/ and with your state attorney general. —Ilyce Classic Prudie Fourteen years ago, I had a roommate in college named “Annie.” Annie and I became good friends, and though we aren’t as close now as we were in college, we are social media friends and I see her in person about once every other year when our old friend group gets together.Annie has struggled for years with infertility, but last year, she excitedly announced she was pregnant with a little boy. She posted weekly updates online about her pregnancy and baby “Jack” (not the actual name). I also love the name Jack. 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