If Big Brother’s ‘toxic abuse’ scenes feel familiar, ask yourself this question

Fans have demanded Omar be removed from the house (Picture: Shutterstock for Big Brother) Big Brother fans have called for housemate Omar to be removed from the house this week, after accusations of coercive control and over 7,000 Ofcom complaints The 21-year-old’s behaviour towards co-star Rhianna has been called ‘scary’ by viewers, with some claiming he’s exhibiting ‘toxic abuse’ — and Woman’s Aid agrees. Veronica Oakeshott, the charity’s head of external affairs, said in a statement: ‘Coercive control creates invisible chains and a sense of fear that impacts every element of a survivor’s life. ‘It’s worrying to see behaviours like this being given a platform in popular media like Big Brother.’ While many believe they’d always be able to spot abuse, this isn’t always the case. When it comes to coercive control, victims themselves can be unaware of the severity of what’s going on, as they’re ‘entrapped in a world of confusion, contradiction and fear’. We’ve seen elements of this in the house, with Rhianna saying she feels as if she’s ‘constantly doing something wrong’ and is ‘going crazy’ amid Omar’s mood swings. To view this video please enable JavaScript, and consider upgrading to a web browser that supports HTML5 video This certainly isn’t a situation reserved for on-screen couples either; when you’re deep into a relationship, with a person you think you love, it can be difficult to realise you’re being abused. According to the UK Government’s campaign, Enough, ‘sometimes [abuse] might seem obvious,’ and can at times ‘be subtle, hidden or overlooked’ — but ‘recognising abuse is the first step to stopping it.’ In this respect, Woman’s Aid explains there’s one important question to ask yourself that can indicate whether your relationship is abusive: ‘Does this feel right?’ Ask Metro Use AI to go deeper into the stories you care about – powered by Metro and trusted publications. A spokesperson for the charity tells Metro: ‘In its simplest terms, we always encourage women to ask themselves if something doesn’t feel right. ‘Disagreements in relationships are normal but when they become frequent and begin to form a pattern, it might be a sign that something is wrong, and possibly abusive – a word that is hard for many people to think about or even say out loud. ‘If something doesn’t feel right in your relationship, it probably isn’t. ‘A healthy relationship should be a loving, respectful place with values like support, freedom, happiness and consent at the centre.’ Viewers are concerned about Rihanna (Picture: Vianney Le Caer/Shutterstock for Big Brother) They also flagged certain language to be aware of, continuing: ‘We know that an abuser may say things like: “I didn’t mean it”, “I was having a bad day”, or “It only happened once” in order to justify or excuse their hurtful behaviour. ‘This might make you start doubting whether your concerns about your relationship are valid. ‘If you’ve heard any of these before, it could be a sign of an unhealthy or controlling relationship.’ Some other common examples of coercive behaviour include: Isolating you from friends and family Depriving you of basic needs, such as food Monitoring your time Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you Controlling your finances Making threats or intimidating you Coercive control was made a criminal offence in England and Wales in December 2015. The issue was brought to public consciousness in part due to the case of Sally Challen, who who killed her husband, Richard, after years of being controlled and humiliated by him. At the time of her conviction in 2011, coercive control was not a crime, and she was convicted sentenced to life in prison with a minimum tariff of 22 years (later reduced to 18 years) for murder. In 2017 however, feminist campaigning organisation, Justice for Women, submitted grounds for appeal, using evidence of coercive control to challenge Sally’s conviction. Two years later, her conviction was overturned and a retrial ordered, in which prosecutors ultimately accepted her plea of manslaughter, her sentence was changed to 14 years in prison, and she walked free due to time already served. 'I was in an abusive relationship — I had no idea' Kirsten*, 36, was in a relationship with her ex-partner for four years. It was years later that she finally understood he’d been abusive. She tells Metro: ‘When we met, he seemed like the perfect guy. But over time, he completely eroded my self-confidence. ‘I was called a psycho, or stupid, almost every day. If I ever tried to tell him how his actions were making me feel, I would just be told I was wrong — no further discussion necessary. ‘He even told me I should go to therapy because there was something wrong with me, so I did. ‘Subtle, but very real, rules were put in place. I wasn’t allowed to sit next to him on the sofa. I wasn’t allowed to call him (he called me), and I wasn’t allowed to initiate sex — only he could. ‘If plans were made with his friends or family, I was expected to be by his side. If I tried to do the same, he’d do his best to avoid them at all costs. I lost friends because I was so scared about being away from him. ‘I got to the point where I couldn’t imagine life without him. So, when he eventually dumped me, I was distraught. It wasn’t until I restarted therapy, years later, and spoke about the relationship, that my counsellor called the relationship what it was: abuse.’ Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@metro.co.uk Arrow MORE: The ‘feral’ dinner table habit men do that women say is an ‘instant no’ Arrow MORE: ‘Women are emotionally intelligent, men think they are,’ says new study Arrow MORE: Nike’s ‘reclaim the night’ run is created for women — some men missed the point