I Was Raised in a Conservative Cult. Now I’m Terrified of the One Thing I Want Most.

How to Do It It really messed me up. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by AaronAmat/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I was raised out West in a very conservative sect of a conservative religion (our sect would qualify as a cult if it wasn’t technically still under the umbrella of the larger group). My ex-wife and I married within this group very young, and had three miscarriages and three children by the time we were 25. During the postpartum period after our third child, my wife had a psychotic break and left the family. She moved around a lot for the next decade, we got divorced, and I raised our kids with the help of some cousins who were only peripherally involved with our religion. I also came to terms with my sexuality and came out as a gay man. My current life is full and rich. I have friends, my children and I are close, and my ex wife has healed and we are friends. But, I am turning 50 soon and I am not happy to admit that this history has had a outsized impact on my sex life, and it’s really starting to wear on me. Because of what happened, I have never had gay sex that I didn’t pay for. That was hard to write, as I am openly gay and am political as hell about it. I am not ashamed, nor squeamish about sex. I would consider myself a sex-positive person, spiritual and overall happy. But sex with and dating men fills me with anxiety like no other. When I came out 15 years ago I sought therapy and think I have a good handle on why sex and dating is so awful for me: I am terrified of men. The sect I grew up in was violent, and shaming, and led by a patriarchy of cruel, criminal fools. I was never sexually abused as a child, but I knew of boys who were. The girls had it worse, hence my wife’s struggles as a young woman. So therapy was great for naming what the problem is, but I made no headway in how to fix it. Every 3-4 months, I see one of the two guys I have been hiring. They are both very short, slight, and feminine, and I find them completely unthreatening. They are both sweet, and I feel safe because the encounter goes the way I ask for it to go: slowly and carefully. And I can bail when I need to and come back at another time. Apps and dating do not work like this, and I am afraid I’ve become so accustomed to this way that I will never be able to have a normal, mutual love relationship. Most of the time I’m OK with this. But sometimes I get really, soul-deep sad that I am missing out on something big. I remember how my wife and I were as young people and I miss it. But I don’t know how to go about getting something like that back. —Nostalgic Old Man Dear Nostalgic Old Man, If you had similarly minded partners, you absolutely could swoop in and out of their lives, much like the sex workers that you employ for your intermittent needs. There’s even a word that some people use for that kind of consistently once-in-a-while lay: a comet (both come around only every so often). I’m not sure that this is a great relationship strategy—it’s more like something that just happens—but my overall point is that you could have relationships and situationships that work for you as well, if you were to pursue and cultivate them. But you haven’t done either. It’s completely understandable that all of this is daunting. Your background is fraught, and connecting with people is a challenge even for many who don’t have traumatic pasts. You say that you’re out and political about your gayness, but I wonder what that means in terms of community. Fear famously comes from the unknown, and I suspect you aren’t exactly surrounded by other gay men. Do you have a gay friend group? Do you frequent gay spaces? Do you have any regular platonic associations with gay men at all? Exposure to other men might do a lot to neutralize the intimidation that you feel. Let other gay men show you that they are, in fact, not scary. (At least for the most part. There are some gays who are and will always be scary.) I generally advise people to cast as wide of a net as possible for potential partners, but it probably makes sense for you to stick to your type when pursuing romance. What if you engaged with the kind of slight fem guys on apps or even in bars/clubs? Would they remain as nonintimidating as the sex workers that you have hired? Can you at least try? You simply won’t make any progress without doing so. You know yourself and your situation well enough to have certain guardrails already in place. The idea now is to apply those in different scenarios that can serve to pull you further out of your shell. Also, it might be useful to not think of yourself as an old man. Fifty really doesn’t have to feel old. At this age, you’re still viable and potentially attractive to a wide swath of men. Don’t count yourself out before you’ve experienced what at least part of you is so hungry for. —Rich More Advice From Slate I’m a married man who has suspected something was up with my husband for a while. So, I confirmed my suspicions by leaving a recording device in our bedroom one night while I was away. I discovered he had an affair with a much younger man. I was devastated, but I wanted to know more, so I also put a recording device in his car, and found more heartbreaking evidence that he was still seeing his affair partner. I feel deeply insecure about the whole thing. Is my marriage over? 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