I Want to Take My Brother-in-Law to Court Over Money He Borrowed for a Fake “Emergency.”

Dear Prudence If my husband won’t, I may have to. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 12, 20268:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, My husband’s brother, “Ron,” called up last week claiming that he was short $500 in his rent money due to a dental emergency and asked if we could help him out. We did, but several days later we discovered what he’d really used the money for, and I’m furious. He had hired a sex worker! I found out because I have a friend who works as a dominatrix, and she mentioned that a colleague had serviced Ron and joked that she never knew he was into that sort of thing. When I told my husband and demanded he confront his brother, he said we should let it slide because we can afford it, and Ron has been through an ugly divorce and has struck out on the dating scene. To me it’s not about the money, it’s about the fact that Ron lied to us. Would it be worth it to take my lying bastard BIL to small claims court on my own? —Get Ready to Get Whipped in Court Dear Whipped, I mean, maybe Rob wasn’t technically lying. It could be that his dental bill on top of his normal monthly sex work costs left him without enough money to pay rent. If you didn’t ask to see his entire budget, this was the risk you took. That said, while I’m less confident than you are about your ability to recover the $500 in small claims court, I understand why you feel taken advantage of. But there’s a middle ground between letting Rob’s misuse of the funds slide as a natural consequence of dating struggles and filing a lawsuit. If you really believe your dominatrix friend and her colleague (who seemed to have really breached professionalism by failing to keep information about clients confidential, by the way) have accurate information, the appropriate response is to say no the next time Rob asks for money, or to provide more specific support, like paying a dentist bill directly or buying him groceries. If you and your husband agree that you’re willing to bail out loved ones when it comes to basic needs, and that sex is not one of those, he should agree to this plan. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I brought two wonderful friends together a few years back, and now they are better friends with each other than they are with me. They vacation together and plan other outings that I’m not invited to. They keep telling me about these outings because they say they don’t want me to feel left out. But I do. It’s so painful. We all still hang out and I do my fair share of hanging out with each of them separately and I understand that some people and their families really vibe with one another. But it still hurts and I feel like I’m back in middle school getting left out all over again. What can I do? Anything? —Feeling Like a Third Wheel Dear Third Wheel, There’s no way around how much this hurts, even though you already have a great perspective on the situation. I guess I have to give your friends some credit for telling you about their outings rather than being secretive about them. But how in the world do they think this helps you feel less left out? I am 99 percent sure based on the reasonable and measured way you’ve described the situation that you haven’t done anything to push them away. But since you’re already hurt and the situation already sucks, it’s worth addressing it and trying to gain more insight: “Hey you two. I have something kind of sensitive to bring up, and I hope it doesn’t put you in an uncomfortable position. I’ve noticed that lately you get together for outings without me and because I like you both so much, I often find myself wishing I could be included. I’m wondering if there is a specific reason—something I’m doing or something to do with my husband or the dynamic with the kids—that explains why you’re not inviting me because if so, I’d like to try to address it. But I also understand that some people and families vibe in different ways and if that’s the only explanation, no hard feelings. If there’s anything you can share, I’m ready to listen. And if not, I’ll continue to hang out as we’ve been doing.” Give yourself permission to change your perspective on that last sentence over time. Because I’m not sure how much you can really enjoy friendships that make you feel like this. Dear Prudence, My relationship with my mom as I grew up could be very strained. She refused to let my school give me education support because she didn’t want me to be labeled as “one of those kids,” and during my whole childhood we fought about why I had low grades and struggled to understand subjects like math or languages. She could be very personal and nasty about my clothes, hair, and especially about my weight. And of course, we had less and less in common the older I got, especially TV shows and music. She didn’t like my friends or what I wanted to do with my life. I married in my early 20s and she didn’t like that I married a foreigner. We moved overseas to my husband’s country not long afterwards. Putting distance between us and only seeing her once a year when she visited us on holiday really helped me put things in perspective. I understand that she was repeating a lot of the hurtful critical attitudes and behaviors of my grandmother. And to my mother’s credit, she was never physically abusive like Nanna. Mom was a high achieving owner of several businesses, with multiple degrees. She worked in a high-stress profession and was very successful at it. She was the main breadwinner in our house, but it demanded a lot of her time, energy, and emotion. It probably made it hard for her to understand or sympathize with my own struggles in school. I’m not making excuses, because it was difficult and awful in many ways. I’m just saying I’ve moved on from dwelling on it all and taking it personally. Nanna died recently, and I think it’s affected Mom a lot. The last few months, she has begun bringing up something awful she said to me when I was a child and apologized. This usually means a long conversation going over everything as it happened and me telling Mom more than once that I accept her apology. I don’t want to be ungrateful because this is a really big enormous change for her, but I also just don’t want to dredge this stuff up again! I’m going to be 50 next year! I don’t want to be reminded of every time I felt bad about myself or thought my mom hated me between the ages of 0 to 22. Can you give me a script or some tips to help? Or some perspective? I’ve moved on, I don’t want to start moving backwards again. —Forward Not Back Dear Forward, Sometimes, the written word can feel more official than a conversation and help to drive a message home. So I’ll give you a script and urge you to write it out in a lovely greeting card: “Mom, I really appreciate the talks we’ve been having lately. I know it takes a lot for you to say you’re sorry for some of the things that happened in my childhood. Many people never get that from their parents. I can feel how much you love me and I want to say again that I accept your apology. That said, the past is tough for me to revisit and I would rather not discuss it again. So let’s close the book on conversations about our past. I’m excited for the new stage of our relationship and want to focus on our future and how we can enjoy each other going forward. No more apologies, okay? Call me and we can make a plan to get lunch. I love you.” Catch up on this week’s Prudie. More Advice From Slate I love my 7-year-old son’s name, “Andrew,” but I hate the nickname “Andy.” When we named him “Andrew” we agreed to only use the long version and never the nickname. Until this year everyone has called him “Andrew.” We moved over the summer, and somehow he has become “Andy” in his new school! I would like to take this matter to the principal. My husband feels like I’m overreacting. He thinks we shouldn’t make it harder for him to adjust to a new group of kids. If we don’t get this under control now, he will be “Andy” for the rest of his life! Help! Advice Dear Prudence