I Started Seeing a Woman and Her Husband. We Managed to Do What Seems Impossible.

How to Do It Rich Juzwiak replies to readers’ comments and suggestions. Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Slate. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Each month, How to Do It columnists Jessica Stoya and Rich Juzwiak ask readers for their thoughts on the letters they’ve received. In this edition, Rich replies to readers’ comments and suggestions below. Hey How to Do It, This is in response to “I Don’t Bite, I Swear,” regarding the woman who wanted a friends wit benefits relationship. I actually think what she said makes perfect sense (though I bet she regrets mentioning the laundry example, given how everyone fixated on it). I myself have had both a fuck buddy “relationship” and a friends with benefits relationship, and they had clear differences. When I was 21, I had a fuck buddy arrangement with a 31-year-old guy. We hooked up casually for a handful of months, but we never went out to eat, watched movies, or did anything other than meet up for sex. We did talk a little, but it was just polite chitchat to bookend the main purpose of sex. After that, I entered a friends with benefits situation for about a year. This was with a very new friend I had just made—barely a month. She invited me to join her and her husband in an ethical non-monogamy situation. I was clear from the jump that I wasn’t interested in long-term or romance, but short-term fun as friends with benefits sounded fine. We did watch movies, hang out without having sex every time, invite each other to social events and gatherings, go on road trips even, etc. The girl in the FWB did end up catching feelings for me, but I let her know my outlook hadn’t changed, and we were able to manage that maturely. It’s been over a decade now, and we are still close friends (they are still together with kids now, and I later married and had a kid too). Maybe it’s a little easier to be an FWB in a same sex relationship (I was with the husband too, but my primary friendship was and is with the woman). I think for those who would say it sounds like I was more than FWBs with the couple, the key differences for me were that I didn’t want long-term, and I didn’t feel a sense of “romance.” We really were just good friends who were also having sex. Altogether, I don’t think the letter writer is deluded, and I do think there is a clear distinction between fuck buddies and friends with benefits that can absolutely work. She might have better luck if she said she’s looking for something short-term but consistent, a casual friends with benefits situation. And then see if it’s natural to hang out and watch a movie after sex, etc. Though for her laundry, probably best to stick to a laundromat. —Friends With Benefits Do Exist (she/her) FWBs definitely do exist. But look at your particular case—you were friends with someone, and then it turned into sex. I’m not sure if you went in with a plan and it just happened to work out for you, but I’m guessing you didn’t. What struck me about the letter primarily was that achieving all of that which the writer was looking for was going to be hard to pull off, especially given how fuzzy these definitions are. What you lay out in your letter makes perfect sense, but because these terms are more subjectively defined, the distinction between fuck buddy and FWB for you may not look the same for someone else. Of course, people do go specifically looking for friends with benefits and find them, but this is best done with a flexible approach to how this might operate, and yes, with laundry left entirely out of the equation. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Hey How to Do It, I’m surprised the possibility of leaving some clothing on during sex didn’t come up in Rich’s response to “Former Big Guy.” (Rich is usually such a pragmatist!) Admittedly, I’m not sure what all “shaper shirts and things” might entail, but there’s some really creative male lingerie with strategically placed openings out there, especially from brands that cater to trans folks. I know I find saying, “Item X does not come off,” easier than discussing my personal health journey, especially when I’m still getting to know someone. And a successful hookup can go a long way toward building confidence, even if finding a long-term partner to be naked with is the ultimate goal. —Tasteful Never Nude This is a great point, and would likely save a lot of grief. Definitely an oversight on my part, and I’m kicking myself because I’ve seen this play out in my life. Most egregiously, a guy I once hooked up with wore a baseball cap the entire time we were together—including when we were cleaning up in the shower together after sex. I figured he was balding and self-conscious, but I didn’t mind it. My point is that even if keeping on clothing conveys insecurities, at least they’re vague and unseen, which probably feels better than having them exposed to a virtual stranger. Hey How to Do It, Hi, I’m an escort and fan of the column. I wanted to offer a fix for the recent question from Want to Figure It Out regarding her husband’s small size and her lack of pleasure.One option that wasn’t mentioned is a penis sleeve (also called a penis extender sleeve). These are wearable silicone sleeves that can add length and/or girth while still allowing intimacy between partners. For couples where penetration is limited by anatomy rather than desire, they can be a practical solution, especially when combined with other forms of stimulation like a vibrator. Here’s hoping he’s into it! —Ready to Help Figure It Out It’s definitely an option. I will confess to having no experience with these aids, and I’ve long wondered just how sheathing your penis in something so thick could possibly be pleasurable on the giving end. People hate condoms, and they’re millimeters thick! I guess with this kind of toy, the penetrator’s sensations matter less than those of the penetrated, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I’d love to hear from anyone who has experience with these things, as I’ve always found them a bit puzzling. Hey How to Do It, Re: The Sheets Have Been Through a Lot: I’ve always been rather amazed that I woke up in the throes of an intense orgasm and a wet dream at the age of 35. Maybe it’s not as uncommon as I’ve always thought. —Awakening It happens! Not to me (ever), so I’m jealous, but it happens. Take it as a sign of a healthy libido, or perhaps prolonged abstinence from sex. Maybe both! More Advice From Slate I was wondering if you’ve got any tips on masturbating less? (Sorry if this is TMI.) I’m a cis woman in her early twenties, and I tend to masturbate manually each night to orgasm just before sleep, but I’d like to cut back for a few reasons… Advice Sex