I Had a Brief, Terrible Fling In College. One Thing About It Still Haunts Me Today.

How to Do It Am I responsible? Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by AdamGregor/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, Two and a half years ago, during my first year at uni, I had a brief fling that was unhealthy, for lack of a better term. The situation was too messy to get into here, but is thankfully irrelevant to the reason I am writing. The first time Kevin and I slept together, we were midway through when he suddenly did something that’s really bothered me ever since. He started to choke me and slapped me multiple times. This was something I had previously mentioned potentially being interested in, multiple months before this happened, but it was not discussed before we had sex. At that moment, I recall being quite frightened, but I did not say anything, nor did I ever bring it up after. We slept together one or two more times before contact was severed, and this never happened again. I’m not sure what to make of the situation. Retroactively, I understand that it wasn’t appropriate of him, but I also feel like I am at fault for not saying anything. I have not spoken to anyone about this as I am somewhat worried I am making a bigger deal of the situation than is justified. I am not even entirely sure how to refer to what happened, hence me repeatedly using “situation.” Recently, I can feel this coloring my current sexual encounters, and I find myself thinking back to the first time Kevin and I slept together during them (and then even more in the hours/days following). I feel like I’ve done something wrong, and I feel fearful again, but I don’t know what to do with those feelings. Am I overreacting to the entire thing and am I doing myself a disservice dwelling on it? Would it be inappropriate to seek counseling for the encounter? —Caught Up in the Past Dear Caught Up in the Past, It wasn’t your fault that this guy slapped and choked you. Discussing potential sexual interests is not the same as committing to them, and such commitments are loose anyway, as consent can be revoked at any time. Your partner, at minimum, should have checked back in either before or during sex to make sure that, multiple months after the initial discussion, you were still down. Slapping and choking should not ever come as a surprise during sex. A cornerstone of effective BDSM is a pre-play conversation, if not a contract, where boundaries are established and a safe word is selected. You didn’t ask to be slapped. You didn’t invite it. Your reaction does not make it your fault, because that’s not how responsibility works. How you respond to something does not retroactively mean you caused the thing to happen. Culpability doesn’t time travel. Your reaction—freezing—is a very typical response to sexual violence, part of the continuum of responses to such stress known as fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. These are automatic responses that coincide with a rush of adrenaline. Try to forgive yourself—not only was the choking and slapping not your fault, but the response wasn’t either. If this is affecting your current sex life, you should absolutely seek counseling. You had violence inflicted on you—it’s completely understandable that it left a mark. You are not overreacting. Again, your reactions seem beyond your control. “Dwelling on it” implies an active choice that’s being made, and I’m not seeing that in your letter. I feel like I’m hearing from someone who can’t move past it, not someone who won’t. A lot of survivors have the kinds of doubts and lingering questions that you have expressed. Someone who works with people who have experienced sexual abuse/trauma would be great to talk to. You may have unresolved trauma issues and there is a specific kind of counseling called trauma counseling that could target your particular issues. Seek it. —Rich More Advice From Slate My girlfriend gives the best head I’ve ever had, except for one thing. She won’t swallow. Instead she keeps a paper cup handy, disengages right before I orgasm, and puts the cup over the head of my dick so I come in there. This really takes me out of the moment. I’ve asked her if she would be willing to swallow and explained why it matters to me, but she says she’s grossed out by the prospect. Isn’t she being pretty inconsiderate here? Advice Sex