I Asked My Neighbor to Make a Simple Accommodation for Me. He’s Doubled Down With Vengeance.

Dear Prudence This feels deliberate. Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Sept 15, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Krakenimages.com/Adobe Stock. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, I’ve been vegan for three years. I’m not an activist; I just don’t eat or buy animal products. The problem is my neighbor, “David.” He grills almost every weekend. Normally I wouldn’t care, but our houses are close together, and when he grills meat, the smell comes straight into my house. I find it really unpleasant, and honestly, sometimes it makes me feel sick. I mentioned it to him a few months ago. I asked if he could move the grill farther from our shared fence. He basically said, “Sure, I’ll see what I can do.” He didn’t. The next weekend, he was grilling again, so I brought it up again. This time I explained that I’m vegan and that the smell of meat is particularly difficult for me. I asked him to grill on the other side of his yard. He said he couldn’t, as that’s where his patio is. I let it go, thinking it was just a weekly annoyance. But he’s started grilling more often, at least twice a week. What drives me crazy is that he knows. I have told him that I am vegan, and I’ve also told him multiple times that this bothers me. If he had no idea, I would understand. But I’ve specifically told him that this irritates me, and he keeps doing it anyway. At this point, it feels deliberate, even though I don’t know why he would care enough about me to deliberately do something like that. My husband thinks I’m overreacting and that our neighbor can cook whatever he wants on his property. I understand that technicality, but I also feel like there has to be some point where being allowed to do something doesn’t mean you can ignore how it affects the people around you. I looked up our local code and found a prohibition against “disagreeable or obnoxious odors and stenches.” I don’t necessarily want to sue him. I’d rather resolve this without going to court. I shouldn’t have to hide inside my house every time my neighbor incinerates the carcass of a dead animal in his backyard. Should I take my neighbor to court, or am I just supposed to accept this as a part of life? —Animal Lover Dear Animal Lover, I agree that it would be really kind and thoughtful if David thought to himself, “I know I’m allowed to do this, but I’m going to stop because I know it affects my neighbor negatively. I don’t want her to smell anything unpleasant.” But if the expectation is that everyone puts other people’s feelings first, you would then have to say to yourself, “I know David loves to grill, and I wouldn’t want my request to stop to affect him negatively. He shouldn’t be deprived of his favorite foods.” So I’m afraid you’re going to have to accept this (to be clear, “this” is staying indoors for, what, two to four hours per week?) as part of life. Without veering into legal analysis, I really doubt the scent of a rib cooking fits under the category of “disagreeable or obnoxious odors and stenches,” so feel free to consult an attorney before you give up, but I wouldn’t put too much stock in a court siding with you on this one. The best and most neighborly thing you can probably do here is to request that David provide you with his estimated grilling schedule at the start of each week so you can plan errands or outings for those times. Then come home and simmer some rosemary, vanilla extract, and lemon on the stove to kill any lingering odors and make your house smell more like an expensive boutique in the fall than a barbecue restaurant (or “carcass of a dead animal” as you might put it!). But don’t make the mistake I did last week and walk away from it and let the pot burn, because that is absolutely a disagreeable and obnoxious stench. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, My husband inherited a house and all its belongings when his best friend passed away. It’s been a year and a half. He’s trying to keep up with the expenses and doesn’t show any signs of selling the house. It has a pool; our house, two houses away, doesn’t. How do I motivate him to sell? We could use the money to fix our house and live a nice life. The current value of the house is $905,000. —Hopeful for a Sale Dear Hopeful for a Sale, What do you think is stopping your husband from selling the house? Grief? Busyness? Or the sense that this is an overwhelming administrative task that feels too consequential to begin? The first step is to ask. Unless his reason is something I haven’t thought of (he plans to turn it into a museum to honor his late friend’s memory, maybe?), you should offer your help to get past whatever the roadblock turns out to be. After confirming that selling the house is actually something he wants to do, offer to crowd-source recommendations for three great realtors, put time on his calendar to meet with them with you, and then you all can take it from there. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, Nearly two months ago, I thought I hit the jackpot when I landed a decent and affordable apartment in the major city where I work. Until I went to bed my first night in. The unit next to mine and the one directly above it each has a couple that engages in hours-long sex sessions on a near-nightly basis. I am becoming increasingly convinced that each couple is literally trying to outdo the other. I have sensory issues, so wearing noise-canceling headphones is out, plus I don’t enjoy white noise. Speaking to the manager has gone nowhere. Finding another place I can afford in my city would be next to impossible, and I have no desire to return to the four hours of commuting I used to face five days a week. What can I do? —No Off Switch for the Ears Dear No Off Switch for the Ears, This is really tough—even tougher than the average loud neighbor situation, which is always miserable because being unable to access peace and quiet where you live can feel like a kind of torture. But this seems like a call to reassess the way your life is set up more than an occasion to strategize about how to get these couples to stop their loud sex competition. Stepping back to look at the big picture, you say you are a person who: Cannot tolerate the noise that can unfortunately come with apartment livingCannot use the typical tools for noise cancelingCannot afford another place in your cityDoes not want to return to commuting four hours a day from what I assume was a quiet and affordable housing situation Look at this list and ask yourself if it’s possible that any of these statements are untrue. For example, how sure are you that wearing noise-canceling headphones is out? Are there any super lightweight or extra comfortable headphones you actually could wear? Could you deal with brown or pink noise? Would it be worth doing some research or asking around? Can earplugs work? Or is occupational therapy for your sensory issues an option? Is it really the case that you couldn’t afford another, quieter place in your city? Have you tapped into your network and shared your needs with friends and family to ask for leads? Would you be open to providing some light household help in exchange for a deal on renting a room from an older person who needs a bit of assistance? Could you post about your availability for this kind of arrangement in places where people who live in the area will see it? If that doesn’t work, do you absolutely have to live in the city and work in person? Would your employer be open to a remote work arrangement or even a hybrid schedule? Are your sensory issues a symptom of a medical diagnosis that may provide justification for asking for this accommodation? Would it be worth discussing with a therapist? If not, is it possible to start looking for a different job that would allow you to work from an affordable and quiet place outside of the city? I really hope something will give and you will be able to find relief. Of course, in the meantime, you can go ahead and slip notes under the sexual Olympians’ doors, saying, “Is there any way you could keep the sex noise down? Thanks, a neighbor who hasn’t been able to sleep.” Classic Prudie We have a vacation place in a popular tourist area. It’s pretty rural, there’s no cell coverage, and we had to go through a lot of engineering and effort to get ourselves workable internet service. My wife and I are both pretty strongly averse to social media. We’ve therefore blocked all the major social media services at our homes. We often invite friends to come stay with us—and we give a heads-up that there’s no Facebook et al. available… Advice Dear Prudence